Is anyone safe?
HUB
MENACED
BY N.Y. MANIAC
By Alvin T. Fuller in Boston with
Hanna
Rexia '05 in New York City BOSTON,
Massachusetts
– It was an early spring afternoon like any other in the Hub of the
Universe. Locals lied about their chances of getting
Opening Day and Celtics playoff tickets. Homeowners
put away their snowblowers and dusted the cobwebs from their
lawnmowers. Twelve more Boston firemen filed for fake
disability pensions. But
the metropolis's calm was rudely shattered by reports, at first
fragmentary and incoherent, that an insane, unpredictable, spoiled
middle-aged man who answers to the name of "Pinch" had arrived in
Boston with mass murder on his mind.
This
undated photo is the one of the few known images of the elusive mass
murderer Art "Pinch" Sulzberger
As
the city heard the sounds of sirens heading
the direction of Morrissey Boulevard, the sickening reality became all
too apparent: a suspect identified by Boston Police as Art
Sulzberger, 58, no known address, New York, had brazenly stated his
intention to execute The
Boston Globe and its employees. According to police reports, Sulzberger had
become increasingly despondent over losing billions of dollars in a
series of misbegotten business deals, including purchasing the Globe and its
moon, the Worcester
Telegram, for over $1 billion just before the newspaper
business cratered. "It
looks like he just snapped," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick,
who arrived at the South Boston crime scene to take personal command.
"I don't care how troubled he is, there's no excuse for
killing off an entire newspaper." Sulzberger,
reportedly barricaded in the Globe's
executive
offices, has threatened to wipe out the mighty newspaper unless he is
paid
$20 million in blood money. "Extorting $20 million?
That takes some b****. And I should know," said an
elderly bystander who gave his name only as "Whitey." Gov. Patrick has for the time being ruled out a
frontal assault on Globe
headquarters, citing the danger to innocent employees who had no part
in Sulzberger's financial reverses. Instead, Massachusetts officials sought to
reason with the unhinged malefactor by searching for those with a
personal relationship to the troubled man who might be able to
influence him. After hours of searching, they found a
young woman known as "Amber" who was identified as Sulzberger's
personal assistant and massage therapist. Television cameras carried live coverage of
"Amber" calling out to the maniacal criminal through a State Police
megaphone: "Daddy? Don't do it. Let's
get out of here. It's mad cold. And I don't know
where the good restaurants are. And do you know if they have
a Prada in this dump?" State
Police hostage negotiators doubted the effect of such an appeal, but
told the Spy
they had had no success unearthing anyone else with an interest in
saving Sulzberger's life. His estranged wife, on hearing the
news, sent coffee and doughnuts to State Police sharpshooters.
You read it
first in the Spy
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
House Republican Congressmen, unwilling to bear the political
cost of voting either for or against the proposed $700 billion
Government
purchase of crapcan debt securities, have suggested a bold alternative
to cleaning up bank balance sheets.
According
to the staunch free marketers in the House Republican caucus, the
problem can be solved by repealing the accounting rules that require
banks to value the toxic waste on their balance sheet at its fair
market value (so-called "mark to market" accounting). They
point out that if banks were allowed to value the securities at the
price they someday might get in a perfect world, their balance sheets
would look pretty good. WASHINGTON
(MarketWatch) -- Responding to pressure applied by lawmakers on Capitol
Hill, the Financial Accounting Standards Board on Thursday voted
unanimously to give auditors more flexibility in valuing illiquid
mortgage assets that may have long-term value.
The
new guidance, which is expected to boost bank operating profits when
they report first quarter results later this month, alters so called
mark-to-market rules, which have required banks and other corporations
to assign a value to an asset, . . based on the current market price
for either the security or a similar asset. . . .
FASB's
new guidance allows banks and their auditors to use "significant
judgment" when valuing the illiquid assets such as mortgage
securities.
Sulzberger's
co-workers at the New
York Times building across from Manhattan's
ultra-fashionable Port Authority Bus Terminal expressed varying degrees
of shock and disbelief, reports
Hanna Rexia '05 in New York.
Managing
Editor Jill Abramson '76 said he had worked with Sulzberger for many
years. "He used to be such a kind, pleasant guy, the kind of
guy you could borrow $20 from and never worry about paying it back." In recent years, however, Sulzberger's demeanor
has changed, according to Abramson: "Ever since he ran the Times into a ditch,
he's seemed increasingly moody and despondent. I never thought
much of it though. He was always kind of in the background."
she said.
Times
columnist
and Hot Air Force General Tom Friedman was among the last
persons to talk to Sulzberger before he snapped. "He asked me
if my wife might be interested in buying the top twenty floors of the Times building and
I told her she didn't have a pot to p*** in. Then the line
went dead." His op-ed
colleague Maureen Dowd, when informed of Sulzberger's violent assault
on the Globe,
rolled her eyes and said only, "Men." The
heavily-armed law enforcement teams at the site of the siege have
enlisted the assistance of Prof. Shaw Vellingit of the Lieberman Center
for Abnormal Psychology at New Haven's world-famous Yale University in
compiling a psychological profile of the crazed Amokläufer. Prof. Vellingit, who, by remarkable
coincidence, also consults to the Spy,
said that
Sulzberger's violent outburst was consistent with the actions of a
weak, inadequate scion of a rich and powerful father. "These
pathetic individuals seek to compensate for their incompetence and
insignificance with bluster and over-the-top acts of unspeakable
violence and cruelty." He had previously observed a similar
syndrome at work in the disordered personality of George W. Bush. [For details of Prof.
Vellingit's workup of the pitiful younger Bush, click here
– Ed.] At
deadline, with the siege continuing and the entire city on edge,
State Police SWAT Commander Jimmy "Shaky" Burke refused to speculate
on the likely outcome. "Sometimes, these guys turn out to be
all
bluster and surrender peacefully," he said. "But this Sulzberger guy
seems just
angry and crazy enough to go through with it." | 
