Chapter 1: A Brazen Challenge

    Captain Horatio Hornblower, KCMG, OBE, DDIDO, DDODAY, DDI – [That's enough honours – Lit. Ed.] stood athwart the helm of his magnificent new flagship, the 52-gun frigate HMS Vainglorious, scanning the mighty Indian Ocean through his looking glass. Command of the Vainglorious had been the Admiralty's reward for his heroic conduct in the Battle of the Shatt al-Arab, won by the plucky Captain without so much as a shot being fired. At his side, as before, stood his stolid second in command, Lt. Nobush. "Begging the Captain's pardon, sir, but there's a ship two points off the port bow."
    "Humph," said the startled commander, who had in fact been using the glass to observe the splendid ratings hard at work painting, sanding, and scraping the decks. Hornblower recalled how he had wisely decided that the other ranks could perform their duties stripped to the waist in the infernal equatorial heat off the barbaric African coast, as a tonic to morale. "What's that, Mr. Nobush, if you please?"

  "There's a ship of the line approximately eight leagues distant. The lookout reports that it flies the Stars and Stripes," said Lt. Nobush in the same monotone he had used since he first served with Hornblower on the lifeboat HMS Obscure.
    "Very well, Mr. Bush," Hornblower barked.  "Order the starboard guns run out and prepare the ship for battle.  Set the topgallants and mizzens."
    "Begging the Captain's pardon once more, but is it not the case that we are allied with the Americans in this mission?"
    "Blast it, Mr. Nobush, you are correct as always." Hornblower sighed, for there was almost nothing as fine as a battle to get the blood flowing. 
    "I'll order a welcome signal run up, with the Captain's permission," Lt. Nobush said.
    "Very well," the Captain said. As the alien vessel came into view, it identified itself as the USS Ted Stevens and requested permission to send a party to board the Vainglorious. Captain Hornblower turned his glass to the gig, gobsmacked by what he saw. "D**ned if those Yanks haven't sent a Chinese servant girl dressed in a naval uniform. What an insult! I should throw them into the sea," he ejaculated.
    The Americans came on deck, with the apparent servant girl in the lead. "Captain Hornblower," she began. "I am Captain Nguyen Tranh-Johnson, commanding officer of the Ted Stevens, at your service." 
    Bloody hell, Hornblower thought. What kind of a Navy puts a ship of the line in the hands of an Asiatic female barely five feet tall? "Captain Transjohnson, welcome to the Vainglorious.  I am Captain Horatio Hornblower, your, um, obedient servant.  May I show you to my quarters?"
    Around the great mahogany table in the Captain's study, the allied sailors confabulated.  Nigel, the Captain's finely-boned steward, graciously offered tots of rum, which the Americans declined, like the uncivilized boors they were.  "Captain, I want to enlist your aid on a dangerous mission," the diminutive American commander said. "A band of ruthless Somali pirates has taken two vessels – one American, one British – hostage. I propose that your Royal Marines and our SEALS surround the vessels and rescue the hostages."
    Captain Hornblower could scarce contain himself: the cheek of this wisp of a girl, encouraging a British captain to violate Admiralty instructions not to use force against pirates. "I'm afraid that's quite impossible. However, I will join you on station and parley with these rogues." 
    A tall splendid American ensign whispered into Captain Tranh-Johnson's ear. However, thanks to Hornblower's preternaturally keen hearing, he overheard the Americans praising a piece of equipage in his cabin they cryptically referred to as a "douchebag." 

    [Hornblower orders the Vainglorious to proceed to the vicinity of the pirated vessels under full sail.]

Chapter 6: Hornblower's Masterstroke

    Having arrived near the stricken vessels, Captain Hornblower lost no time establishing friendly relations with his adversaries. Knowing that they could not resist an offer of British hospitality, he invited a delegation of Somali pirates to join him in his cabin for rum and roasted pig. Although the surprisingly handsome and well-built pirates rudely declined the proffered food and drink true to their savage nature, they did agree to Captain Hornblower's suggestion that they "break the ice."
    He led them to a green baize table, naked save for a deck of cards. "Do you d**nable brutes know the game of whist?" he enquired, as he cut and dealt the cards."
    The leader of the pirates responded quickly: "Dollar a trick?"

    Captain Hornblower nodded. "We don't use that funny money on this vessel. I have a better idea," he said, noting the deep brown eyes and pleasing lineaments of the swashbucklers. "Have you ever played a rubber of Strip Whist?"
    The pirates said nothing. "Very well,  Here's how the game is played. Anyone who loses a trick must divest themselves of an item of clothing.  The last person clad wins. Now, Lt. Nobush, would you be so good as to take your leave?"
        Many hours later, Lt. Nobush returned to the closed door of the Captain's cabin. He could hear much merriment from within, a sure sign that the Captain was having his way with the brutish heathen. Having obtained no response to his tap at the entrance, Lt. Nobush opened it a crack and peeked in. Captain Hornblower had lost his hat, boots, scabbard, sword and breeches, while the pirates were down to their gherkins. [Surely, jerkins? – Lit. Ed.]
    "Nobush, you d***ned nuisance, what is it?  I have these rogues right where I want them," Captain Hornblower expostulated. 
    "Begging the Captain's pardon but we have a signal from the Americans. They have attacked the pirates and rescued the hostages."
    Captain Hornblower then grabbed the nearest pirate and wrestled him onto the commander's divan. "So these men are our prisoners," he said. 
    "So it would seem," replied the stoical second in command.
    "Lt. Nobush, bring me my cat 'o nine tails," Hornblower ordered with a gleam in his eyes.  "As for you pirates, shut up and deal!"   [That's enough Hornblower – Literary Editor]