That's Not Entertainment!

REALITY SHOW REJECTS HAPPY

By Roscoe Arbuckle
Entertainment Editor
with Hanna Rexia '05 in Mississippi and Texas

As Kate Gosselin, "star" of the [No free plugs from us – Ed.] channel's unwatchable Jon and Kate + Eight + Teacher + Bodyguard [Check title – Ed.], flounces around the country whining about the tough life of a reality show star, the families who were passed over in favor of the wretched Gosselins agree that they are grateful to have escaped her dreadful fate.

As Kate Gosselin tours the country promoting the upcoming season of her crapcan reality show, while her nannies chase after her eight rugrats, she bemoans the burdens imposed upon her by her temporary notoriety

"I can't imagine anything worse than living in a huge house with air conditioning, a landscaped yard, and a big screen TV," said Dorothea Lange of Jimclarksburg, Mississippi. Mrs. Lange and her eight children no longer have that problem, because they were evicted from their shack following foreclosure. The Langes were unable to keep up the payments on their mortgage after Mr. Lange lost an arm in a cotton harvester. The family now lives in a recycled refrigerator carton under the Louisville & Nashville railroad viaduct.   

"Just imagine all the maintenance work you'd have to do in a big modern house," Mrs. Lange said. "Can you imagine having to clean all those bedrooms and bathrooms? We don't have to worry about washing machines or showers or tubs or toilets – we've got the Mississippi River for all of that."

"And every time our carton collapses in the rain, we just go over to the landfill and get us a new one. They got lots of free stuff over there," she said, motioning toward a tattered sofa and a chair with a broken leg mended with duct tape.  

Mrs. Lange also expressed sympathy for Kate Gosselin's loss of privacy. "It must be terrible not to be able to go anywhere without all them TV cameras pokin' at you. Fortunately, nobody cares whether my family lives or dies, and that's just the way we like it." Mississippi Gov. and former Republican mouthpiece Haley Barbour confirmed Mrs. Lange's statement.

She said that her children, who range in age from 16 to 2, not counting a couple of strays she thinks may be grandchildren, don't miss watching TV. "That way they can concentrate on their homework, although since we can't afford the bus fees, they don't get to go much."

Mrs. Dorothea Lange of Mississippi says she appreciates the opportunity to raise her six, seven, or eight kids away from the spotlight shined on Jon and Kate Gosselin

"Anyway, the older girls can watch all the TV they want at the casino bars, where they work most nights and weekends, " she said.

Mrs. Lange pointed to the activities of her three boys, who have, with the help of their father and some of their uncles, built an entire lab on the banks of the river, where, she said, they are learning a lot about chemistry.

The Bracero family, who live in an unnamed colonia on the outskirts of Eagle Pass, Texas, along the Mexican border, expressed equal satisfaction at avoiding the burdens that have plagued the Gosselins. "I see how Señor Jon is playing around with his kid's school teacher. I know my husband would never do that," Mrs. Bracero said. She admitted that her husband had left their two-room shelter eight years ago to look for work in Houston and never returned.

Mrs. Bracero said she was glad that she, unlike Kate Gosselin, was not accompanied anywhere by hunky bodyguards who might tempt her into betraying her marital vows. She also said that the kind of publicity the Gosselins attract might interfere with her thriving import-export business on the banks of the Rio Grande.

She said that she preferred to raise her nine children out of the spotlight so they can enjoy a normal, all-American, poverty-stricken childhood. "My oldest is 16 and he's already signed up with the Army. They said they're going to train him to be cannon fodder. That sounds good, doesn't it?" she asked.