The obvious choice:

OBAMA CHOOSES
DETAINEE SITE

 

By Scott V. Sandiford, Law Correspondent
with Ann Colt .45 in Undisclosed Location, Texas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Eager to quell a revolt by spineless Senators supposedly terrified by the specter of Guantanamo detainees rampaging through the streets of their home states blowing up shopping malls and Burger Kings, President Barack Obama has reportedly decided on a site for housing the detainees following the closure of the law-free Guantanamo camp. 

According to Administration sources, the site had to fulfill a number of criteria: it had to be distant from major population centers, it could not currently be used for any other productive purpose, and, to save on construction costs, it had to have a world-class security infrastructure already in place. Finally, it had to be in a state not represented by a Democratic Senator.

"The final choice was surprisingly easy," said a White House staffer who was willing to float a trial balloon in the Spy on condition that his anonymity would be protected and whose name rhymes with Shmam Demanuel.

"One site just stood head and shoulders, or perhaps I should say taller in the saddle than any other," our source said. Unrolling a map, he pointed to a large vacant plot located in the middle of nowhere, or, more precisely, 30 miles west of Waco, Texas.

"This site is just perfect. The Government has spent millions of dollars on security improvements and it's not being used for any other purpose.  I'm sure that as a patriotic gesture George W. Bush would be willing to donate his unused Crawford estate to housing the detainees that his administration bought [Surely, captured? – Ed.] in Afghanistan seven years ago.

Our source pointed out that the Bush parcel is located in a desolate wasteland hundreds of miles from civilization on land that has no productive purpose. "You can't grow s*** on that scrubland," our source said.  He noted that thanks to the former President's relentless efforts to clear scrub and brush to the exclusion of all other activities, such as listening to an August, 2001 security alert warning of imminent al-Qaeda attacks in the United States, the parcel offers excellent fields of fire should any detainee try to escape.

"Of course, even if a detainee did somehow manage to make it over the wire, he'd die of thirst or exposure in the limitless desert that goes on for miles around the parcel," our source said.

The Obama staff made it clear that the selection of the former Bush vacation home as the site of the new detention center was not intended as an insult to the disgraced former President. "In fact," our source said, "to honor Obama's predecessor, we're going to call it Camp W." 

Reaction to the new site was predictably split along partisan lines. "An excellent choice," said Sen. Harry Reid of Nevada, who had reportedly offered the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste dump site as an alternative.

"Very appropriate," said Senator Edward M. Kennedy. "You can't think of the Guantanamo detainees without thinking of George W. Bush."

Republicans on the other hand were furious. "Don't come crying to me when these terrorists drive up to your back door with a nuclear bomb," growled former Vice President "Deadeye" Dick Cheney.

And Texas Gov. Rick Perry made it clear that Texas would resist any efforts to house detainees in his state: "If the Obama Socialist Regime stomps on the sovereignty of the Republic of Texas, we'll have no choice to secede."

But Obama Administration sources view such threats as playing into their hands:  "Let 'em secede. Then these guys will be their problem."

With the meticulous preparation that is President Obama's hallmark, the Administration has a backup site if Congress refuses to authorize housing detainees in Crawford, Texas.  They have located a disused underground bunker in an undisclosed location in Wyoming that they believe would work almost as well as the Texas site, once the torture chamber is replaced by a cafeteria and fitness center.

Obama's staff is known to feel great pride in their innovative solution to the conundrum of where to locate detainees in conformity with international law. With the Crawford site ready to go, and a Wyoming backup available if needed, the Obama Administration is ready to declare "Mission Accomplished."