Journalism 101
(for
perpetual beginners):
Copying
down [Surely,
writing? – Ed.] the all-purpose GOP attack
storyEditors'
Note:
So some rich douche is going to cut your pay by 23%? Here's
a
tip: work 23% less hard. Hey, that's what the Washington
press
corps does already. Ever wonder how they manage to file copy
for
the Web, their blogs, the paper edition and Twitter, appear on
eight
cable or public TV gasbag fests every week and still work in three hour
lunches? It's easy: all you have to do is copy down what
other
people tell you and, presto, you're covering the news. As a
public service to our hard-drinking [Surely, working?
– Ed.] DC press corps, the Spy
is now making even easier for them to file their stories and still beat
the Friday traffic over the Bay Bridge by drafting for them the
all-purpose multiple-choice GOP attack
story. It's as easy as ABC! Or NBC or CBS, for that
matter. WASHINGTON, D.C.
– President Obama's controversial proposal to
A. feed the hungry
B.
cure the sick
C.
take his wife out to dinner and a movie
was immediately assailed by Republicans, who
branded the proposal as tantamount to
A.
socialism.
B.
Fascism.
C.
stealing government property.
The Republicans said that the Obama plan would
A. force
you to enroll in
Osama bin Laden's health plan.
B.
give al-Qaeda terrorists the right to join the New Haven Fire
Department.
C. make
radio stations give free airtime to victims of insult comic attacks.
Newt Gingrich, speaking on
A.
Schlox News,
B.
You Tube,
C.
some tourist's video camera in front of the Lincoln Memorial,
termed proponents of the President's program
A.
racists.
B.
pedophiles.
C. doody heads. In response, moderate Congressional Democrats
planned
to
A.
surrender.
B.
make a half-assed effort to seek non-existent middle ground, and then
surrender.
C.
fill their pantalones.
Although White House staffers claimed that
President Obama was doing nothing more than following in the footsteps
of A.
Harry Truman,
B.
George Washington,
C.
Chaim Weizmann,
Republicans
took advantage of the forum provided to them by
A.
a drug-addled thrice-divorced proponent of "traditional values"
B.
a hypocritical bullying sexual harasser
C.
a dirty old Australian to
insinuate that the proposal was really
A.
Michelle Obama's way of advancing her Lesbian agenda.
B.
intended to advance Obama's effort to transform the United States into
a Muslim caliphate.
C.
a "Democrat" effort to disarm Americans, leaving them defenseless
against UN black helicopters.
The influential dean of the Washington press corps, David Broder, urged
both sides to
A.
come together in the spirit of bipartisanship
B.
appoint a commission headed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harold
Ford
C.
return his phone calls
while New York Times
foreign policy genius Tom Friedman told his readers to
A.
forget his shameful shilling of the Iraqi War.
B.
save hot water by growing porn-star mustaches.
C.
send money, stat.
Meanwhile, GOP chairman and insult comic Rush
Limbaugh, fortified by
A.
three triple Whoppers,
B.
750mg of black market Oxycontin,
C.
a case of Bud and a carton of Marlboros, [Where's all of the above?
– Ed.] told Barack
Obama to
A.
go back where he came from.
B.
pick up that mop and put it to some good use.
C.
admit he was born in Kenya, no matter what his birth certificate says.
Privately, Republican Hill staffers explained that their opposition to
the Obama plan was payback for
A.
scuttling the Bork nomination.
B.
a Democrat daring to win the Presidency.
C.
the New Deal.
Congressional
Republicans promised to put
forward their own legislative proposals
A.
inside a matchbook
B.
twelve weeks from next Shmeni Atzereth
C.
in a tweet from Chuck Grassley and said
that whatever the problem was, it could best be addressed by
A.
cutting taxes on the rich.
B.
repealing Social Security.
C.
repealing Social Security while cutting taxes on the rich.
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