The Massachusetts SpyVolume CCXXXIX, Number 253 June 17, 2009
Red-ink Stained Wretches

Too late edition?

Getcha Globe heah!

Editors' Note: The Sulzbergers have done everything short of taking out full-page ads in their own newspapers [So why should anyone else? – Ad. Mgr.] to peddle The Boston Globe, marked down from $1.3 billion to $29.95, plus (or minus) shipping, handling, and unfunded pension obligations. Still no takers. Obviously, a family that couldn't sell bulletproof vests in the South Bronx will, left to its own meager devices, f*** this up too. Once again, it's up to the Spy to save the day. We've rounded up at least six qualified buyers, none of whom could be as bad as the current owners.

JACK 'N SUZI
America's Sweethearts

PROS

  • Irish Catholic (that's Jacko)
  • Literate (that's Suzi)
  • Experience in running large businesses off a cliff 

CONS

  • Look for editorials saying PCB's are good for you
  • Not likely to help position paper as "family friendly"
  • Who knows what might happen if a better looking younger paper came along?

DICE-K
Richest man in Boston
 

PROS

  • Needs a new job
  • Has the money
  • Only way he'll ever get decent press in this town is to buy one

CONS

  • No more proficient in English than average Globe editor
  • Can't even pronounce "Hibernian Hall" 
  • No Harvard degree

ARCHDIOCESE OF BOSTON
Gangplank Bill

PROS

  • Only way to spike coverage of priest child abuse scandal 
  • Will boost circulation by declaring canceling subscription a mortal sin 
  • Requires only a short extension to Hyannisport - Vatican tunnel

CONS

  • Paper's credibility is bad enough already 
  • Kiss those lady pro-choice columnists bye-bye 
  • Combining the two most arrogant institutions in New England might destroy universe 

WHITEY BULGER
You gotta problem with somepin?

PROS

  • Knows where bodies are buried, having interred most of them 
  • Familiar figure in South Boston
  • What advertiser would dare to say no? 

CONS

  • Man of few words, all unprintable 
  • Not interested in Globe chestnuts like transsexual green co-housing 
  • Sulzberger would have to accept payment in unmarked twenties 

RUPERT MURDOCH
The Dirty Digger
 

PROS

  • If he overpaid for the Wall Street Journal by $4 billion, maybe he'd make Pinch whole
  • Committed to newspapering
  • Can obtain Boston rights to "Page 3 Girl" cheesecake pix

CONS

  • Do we want to choose between two crappy tabloids?
  • Don't expect to see the words "Tiananmen Square"
  • Nine out of 10 Australians are fun and charming and the tenth works for Rupert 

JOHN KERRY
The cosmopolitan junior senator

PROS

  • Desperately searching for job with political influence
  • Plenty of dough
  • Theresa reportedly interested in reviving "Confidential Chat" 

CONS

  • Isn't the Globe boring enough already?
  • Will insist on French-language edition 
  • [That's enough prospective buyers – Ed.]

WHEN IDIOTS COLLIDE


"[No longer injured New England Patriots quarterback] Tom [Brady] is a good guy," [his current wife, aging model Gisele Bündchen] says. "He has a very pure heart. He's very naive, almost like a child. That is my favorite quality about him. One thing that I thought was so amazing when I first met him is that he is innocent. He sees the world with [rose] colored glasses." 

Of Brady's innocence, Bündchen says, "It's beautiful. But I think that is rare. I love that about him. No one else sees that. He's very strong and focused in his job, but he's so sensitive. It's amazing." 

– People.com, March 11, 2009.