That was
entertainment!
Michael
Jackson:
shrewd to the end
By
Roscoe Arbuckle, West Coast Correspondent
with Financial
Editor Samuel Insull LOS
ANGELES,
Calif. – Legendary
pop superstar and acquitted child molester Michael Jackson,
long renowned for having the best business head in entertainment, once
again proved how astute his business judgment was. Facing a
debt burden in excess of $400 million, generated by years
of high living and even higher settlements paid to the little
boys he seduced, Jackson, according to entertainment insiders, realized
that he could never make enough money on yet another lame-o "farewell"
tour to cover his bills. Instead, Jackson chose a sure-fire technique
used by Elvis the Pelvis and other drug-addled washed-up entertainers
seeking to maximize
the amount they could milk from their unhealthily infatuated fan base:
death.
"Alive, he's a creepy drug-addicted has-been.
Dead, he's an idol," explained one of Hollywood's leading
deal-makers, who agreed to speak to the Spy on a no-name
basis, because his name rhymes with Barry Bemanuel. "His
image alone is worth a billion dollars," our source said. Already,
Jackson' heirs and hangers-on are moving to cash in on Jacko's
last moonwalk, although the rumored plan to charge $25 a seat
for attending his funeral was put aside. "Twenty-five
bucks for the Staples Center?" our source scoffed. "What a f****in'
waste.
I could've rented out
the luxury boxes for a hundred thou a pop. Better still, how about a
50-city funeral tour? You bring out the
casket, with a single glitter-covered glove under the pin spot –
they'll piss! There won't be a dry eye or seat in the house." Our source
also suggested beaming the funeral worldwide on pay per view satellite.
"Hell, if the marks'll pay $39 bucks to watch two thugs in a
cage, how much would they fork over for a ringside seat at Michael
Jackson's funeral spectacular?" Other
entertainment insiders speculate that if
Jackson's demise proves as lucrative as anticipated, it could persuade
other washed-up celebrities to "take the plunge." Executives
at Schlox Entertainment, though, caution that not every has-been
could
rake in big bucks by filling in the center square at Forest Lawn. "You need
someone who has an image that can be marketed and who appeals to an
aging, self-indulgent demographic. Also, you don't want to
move too soon from "Dancing With the Stars" to "Sleeping With the
Worms" [Isn't that Kim
Kardashian's
life story? – Ed.]. On
the other hand, you can also wait too long." The
executive named Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and Jon and Kate as
celebrities who probably have a few too many minutes on their careers
to consider sucking down the Demerol Daiquiris any time soon.
However, he called out Elizabeth Taylor, Hugh Hefner [Isn't he dead already?
– Ed.], Liza Minnelli, and Mick Jagger as
celebrities who "perhaps have waited too long." "Also,
you've got to keep in mind that there are some supposed celebrities too
ephemeral to be able to generate many headlines or royalties by dying."
He named Kato Kaelin, Tila Tequila, and Heidi and Spencer as
examples of quasi-celebrities who probably should look both ways before
crossing Melrose Avenue. However, our source did offer up a number of
the
great and good who might be able to give their flagging careers a real
boost simply by shuffling off this mortal coil. "What do you
think I could make selling T-shirts with Arnold Schwarzenegger's face
and the legend 'I'll Be Back?' I'm guessing eight figures, if
I can get the Chinese rights." Other
celebrities ripe, or perhaps overripe, for profiting from the Grim
Reaper include, according to our source, Paula Abdul, Barry Bonds, Rod
Stewart, Woody Allen, and Bullwinkle J. Moose. [Bullwinkle? That's
enough. – Ed.] | 
