That's not entertainment!

Nine U.S. soldiers die
in Afghan War battles

By Douglas MacArthur, War Correspondent with
Roscoe Arbuckle, West Coast Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Americans young and old were not stunned and shocked to hear the news that nine young soldiers had died in action in just two days last week in Afghanistan. Worldwide reaction was equally absent.

The nine, two of whom died in a roadside bombing and the remainder in various firefights, brought the death toll of Americans in Afghanistan to 732, seven years after the Bush Administration supposedly won the Afghan War. None of them had sold millions of albums, starred in memorable music videos, disfigured themselves with multiple rounds of horribly botched plastic surgery, became addicted to a staggering array of narcotics and narcoleptics, or garnered a lucky acquittal on felony child molestation charges.

The Staples Center is believed to be still available for the funerals of nine members of the armed forces killed in the service of their country in Afghanistan, for a mere $85,000 an hour. 

For these reasons, no one remembers where they were when they heard the news about the nine fallen soldiers, and no broadcast or cable news network broke into regularly scheduled programming to provide wall to wall coverage of their deaths.  No media outlets are expected to attend, much less televise, the several memorial services or the endlessly-fascinating spectacle of family members entering or leaving their cars or houses.  

The estates of the deceased troops are not expected to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and will not profit from the sales of millions of T-shirts with their faces.

Results of the autopsies of the fallen are not being eagerly awaited by the media because the nine were killed by bullets and bombs.  Their local police departments are not expected to toss the homes of their families for dangerous drugs, because the dead were 7,000 miles away from home at the time of their premature demises.

Plans for the services are still being finalized, but some aspects are clear: Mariah Carey will not be singing at any of them. Brooke Shields, Queen Latifah, John Mayer, and Jennifer Hudson are all not planning to attend. The "Rev." Al Sharpton is not anticipated to fly into town to insert himself into the mourning processes, although sources close to the increasingly svelte crusader for Rev. Al [Surely, justice? – Ed.] say that may change if he is informed of the presence of a TV satellite truck or an all-you-can-eat buffet.   

There is expected to be plenty of room at the funerals and graveside services; therefore millions of those with no other life are not expected to crash the Internet with requests for tickets to attend the ceremonies or to travel thousands of miles simply to gawk outside the churches and cemeteries. The costs of police overtime to protect the mourners from interruption are expected to reach into the high three figures.

In London, aging ex-celebrity Madonna is not expected to pad out one of her half-empty concerts with a tribute to the nine troops, whom she never knew. Paul McCartney was not expected to issue a statement, because he never collaborated with any of the dead soldiers on a self-aggrandizing video intended to raise money for some poor people off-camera.

In Times Square, footage of the dead did not play endlessly on a huge TV screen, and Madame Tussaud's wax museum did not wheel out wax likenesses of the brave young GI's.

In Tinseltown, Giuliana Rancic is not planning to interview a stupefying parade of B+ to C- celebrities to elicit their narcissistic reactions to the death of the U.S. soldiers. She also has no interest in asking them what effect the deaths of these nine valiant men, or indeed of the other 723 dead Americans, has had on their own lives.   

Maria Carey, John Meyer, and Flipper have all said they are unavailable for the funerals of nine U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan

Celebrity blogs and tabloid mags have not been filled with speculation over the paternity of the small children left behind by the dead troops, because there is no interest, prurient or otherwise, in the fate of those children.

Explanations for the massive nationwide lack of interest vary. Ryan Securest told the Spy that the nine dead soldiers are not emblematic of an entire generation, because "only poor, desperately uncool losers" enter military service. Other entertainment "reporters" complain that none of the fallen troops had famous "friends" or multiple fake marriages to bizarre celebrity spawn and none carried on in a manner that could be described as somewhere between eccentric and paranoid schizophrenic.

At CBS, Katie Couric has said she will not devote the entire A block of the CBS Evening News to their deaths all week long because, according to her publicist, "she realizes nobody gives a shit about nine dead nobodys."

Their names of the dead, none of which will appear on the Hollywood Walk of Fame are: Brock H. Chavers, 25, Mark A. Garner, 30, Nicolas H.J. Gideon, 20, Chester W. Hosford, 35, Isaac L. Johnson, 24, Michael C. Roy, 25, Christopher M. Talbert, 24, Darren Ethan Tate, 21, and Derwin I. Williams. 2d Lt. Williams was the old man of the nine: he died at 41.