 | Volume CCXXXIX, Number 258 July 28, 2009 |
Editors' Note: The recent Supreme Court case holding that New Haven couldn't toss the results of a civil service test just because it had nothing to do with being a fireman and the only ones who passed were white men caused us to take a look at these exams so we could make our own judgment as to their ability to separate the white flour [Surely, wheat? – Ed.] from the chaff. As we could easily believe that the New Haven test was concocted in an environment hostile to intellectual attainment, we decided to look at a totally different type of community. Here's what we found: "To protect our pensions and serve our relatives"
Instructions: Please circle the correct answer in No. 2 pencil. You may not bring with you any notes, papers, books, or ringers. You may not use your cell phones in the exam room to get answers from your buddies back at the station house, so please step into the hall before doing so. If you need extra time, attention, assistance, or other advantages due to your suddenly diagnosed dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, low blood sugar, hammer toes, or other condition certified in writing by the doctor selected by the Cambridge Police Protective Association, please inform the proctors. 1. Is your last name Vellucci? a. Yes. b. No. If
you have circled "a," you need not complete the rest of this
examination. Please turn in this exam and pick up your
stripes. 2. Do you have any relatives in the Cambridge Police, Fire, Public Works, Sanitation, or Parking Departments? a. Yes. b. No. If
you have circled "b," you can finish this exam if you have nothing
better to do, but you're wasting everybody's time. 3. You have been called to a residence in response to a vague report that there may be an unlawful entry. After determining that the middle-aged man who needs a cane to walk is a distinguished Harvard professor who is the lawful occupant of the house, the correct course of action is to a. Apologize for the inconvenience and leave at once. b. Ask if the individual needs any further assistance. c. Say "If you're so smart, how come you can't open a door?"
d. Handcuff the perp, chuck him into your unit, release his
mug shot to the world, and celebrate with a few beers. 4. If a citizen of color complains that he or she is a victim of racial profiling the correct response is to: a. Explain the reason for your investigation. b. Let them blow off steam. c. Give them the number of the Complaints Bureau to express their concerns.
d. Hancuff the smartass, chuck him into your unit, release
his mug shot to the world, and celebrate with a few beers. 5. When dealing with an angry unarmed man who is no longer suspected of committing a crime the most important thing is to: a. Understand his concerns at being confronted by a armed police officer. b. Get out of there so you can get to P.J. McSorely's Little Dram of Dublin. c. Make sure he doesn't call you any names.
d. Make sure he is unable to physically assault you with his
cane. 6.
Analogies.
Choose the pair of
words that most closely approximates the relationship between the
following two words: a. Master: slave b. Lord: serf c. Gastroenterologist: colon
d. Johnny Carson: Ed McMahon 7. Quantitative Reasoning. As a sgt., in addition to base pay, you are entitled to earn $64 per hour standing around manholes [Surely, detail work? – Ed.]. If you pull rank and spend 1,000 hours in a year on detail and then tragically trip and fall getting back into your unit, your 75% tax-free disability pension is equivalent to what amount of assets someone in the dreaded private sector would have to set aside for their retirement? a. $1,000,000. b. Depends if I was filling in for a Lootenant Leutenent Lt. that day at $72/hour. c. Who gives a s***?
d. What about the extra $50,000 a year I pulled down fiddling
with the radios? 8. Law. Which is the best definition of the crime of perjury? a. An intentional false statement made under oath. b. An intentional false statement made under oath with respect to a material fact. c. An intentional false statement made under oath with respect to a material fact which has the effect of obstructing justice.
d. An intentional false statement made under oath with
respect to a material fact which has the effect of
obstructing justice, unless uttered by a police
officer. 9. Community Relations. A sgt. accused of racial profiling should: a. Cooperate with the investigation. b. Clam up and let his union rep demonize his accuser. c. Disprove charges of insensitivity by hanging out with his fellow Irishmen at a saloon.
d. Adopt a wounded look suggestive of martyrdom. 10. Constitutional Law. The First Amendment protects the right: a. To bear arms. b. To retire at 50 with a fake disability pension. c. To carry an open container of alcohol in your unit while on duty. d. To, when confronted by a police officer in your own home, shut the fuck up and do what you're told, or else. When you have completed this examination, please place it in the envelope provided and send it to: Cambridge Police Department Merit Examination Program c/o Hon. Nino Scalia, U.S. Supreme Court, Washington, D.C. with a copy to Rush Limbaugh. |
The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from the real Americans of the Freedom to Loot Coalition
"If I had been in Canada, the company I ran never could have swindled Medicare out of $1.7 billion!" | |
Rick
Scott Former
Chairman, Crooked Health Care Company
who resigned in disgrace after his company pled guilty to Medicare
fraud and paid a fine of $800 million, plus civil settlements of $900
million |
 |
Yes, it's almost unbelievable: if America was saddled with single-payer government run health care like Canada, my greedy for-profit hospital chain company wouldn't have been able to steal a dime! How was I supposed to build my mansion in Palm Beach or get rid of the old ball-and-chain and marry Tiffany? Fortunately, I was living large and in the land of the free. Don't let government bureaucrats take all the money (and fun!) out of health care. Tell your Senator to listen to the guys with the buckets of cash (like me!) and back watered-down health care reform that lets health insurers, greedy doctors, and big drug companies line their pockets. Believe me, they'll listen, and if they don't I'll just send up a few more bucketfuls. | |
A public
service announcement from | |