The change we need (and
we need the change):

Cash for clunkers
to be expanded

Sure they were flashy in their day but Obama Administration policy gurus have found another bunch of high-mileage polluters ready for the crusher.

By David Bloviator, Political Editor with
Samuel Insull, Financial Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The unexpected success of the automotive "cash for clunkers" program has proved so successful in ridding the nation's streets of old, broken down, high-mileage wrecks that the Obama Administration has proposed extending the program.

Beginning next weekend, any state or district that turns in a decrepit, wheezing Republican politician will be eligible for a payment of $4,500 per voter. Obama Administration officials confirmed that the pogrom [Surely, program? – Ed.] would be retroactive to July 1 of this year.

This means, for example, that the people of the The Commonwealth of Kentucky, who finally bulldozed their broken down heap of a Senator, Jim "Wild Thing" Bunning, off the highway and into a ditch, will be eligible for a payment of some $5.5 billion.

Likewise, the good meth heads and moose skinners of Alaska will receive a cool $575 million for retiring their flashy but breakdown-prone Governor, Sarah Palin. "While the program is chiefly directed at obsolete, superannuated road-weary Republicans, in fact, any Republican is eligible, because it's the only way to cut down on the toxic emissions that are poisoning America's political life," explained a White House insider who demanded anonymity so that he could not identified as the wearer of David Axelrod's suits.

But Administration insiders pointed to any number of wheezing Republicans that could qualify for the payment if they are junked and replaced by an environmentally-conscious Democrat, including high-mileage Senators Kit Bond, George Voinovich, Richard Burr, and Mel Martinez, all of whom except Burr have admitted they're ready for the scrap heap.

"Replacing these worn-out Senators with efficient new Democrats would dramatically improve the environment," said Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee Vice-Chair Al Franken (D – Finally). "Replacing just half a dozen sputtering Republicans with Democrats would allow us to pass cap-and-trade legislation, the first step toward combating global warming.

Franken warned though that replacing gassy old Republicans with equally inefficient but flashier new Republicans would not qualify a state or district for the cash-for-clunkers incentive payment.

He also disappointed many eager politician shoppers by announcing that Republican clunkers who were leaving office for legal reasons, such as term limits or looming surrender dates, were ineligible for rebates. The announcement left Californians with nothing to show for sending their clapped-out Governor to the junkyard.

Franken played down reports that the program would be extended to the viewing public. Although he admitted that the environmental benefits of replacing obsolete toxic waste spewing media gasbags like Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Lou Dobbs, and Glenn Beck would be "stupendous," he said there wasn't enough money in the world to pay viewers and listeners to trade them in for something less embarrassing.

Despite the Senate's efforts to restrict the reach of cash-for-clunkers payments to politicians, senior aides to Sen. Ted Kennedy have floated the idea of compensating each member of Red Sox Nation $3,500 for trading in broken down old players like John Smoltz and Jason Varitek for new models.

Residents of North Carolina, Ohio, Florida, and Missouri could cash in big time if they trade in these old clunkers (top to bottom, Richard Burr, George Voinovich, Mel Martinez, and Kit Bond) [Photo desk please confirm ID's – Ed.]