Volume CCXXXII, Number 25        September, 2002  

Winner of the 2002 Coulter Award for elevating American political discourse

Don't panic
but:

WE'RE GONNA DIE!


Disappointed investors watch stock ticker outside Morgan Stanley offices in Times Square

By Maria Boroaroma
Financial Editor

Up and down Wall Street, all signs point to utter disaster, catastrophe, ruin and – worst of all – I may have to move back to Bensonhurst!

After the sickening slide in the stock averages, cleaned-out investors have stuffed their remaining life savings into mattresses and cookie jars. "The market was fundamentally overvalued. Any idiot could have seen this coming," said former stock analyst and Starbucks barista Henry Floggit. "Would you like cinnamon on that?" he asked.

Investors who only last year were riding high on Park Avenue are now back to living above the bakery on Kings Highway, their five-carat diamonds sold long ago to meet margin calls on WebVan at 80. "It can only get worse from here," said former internet analyst and day-care provider Mary Mendacious. "The Internet bubble was a total jive. You can't trust anyone. Stop whining, Brittany, I just changed your diaper."

"Let's face it, the whole thing was a sucker's game. Now how about something that really holds its value: aluminum siding?" asked Leo Luftmensch, Managing Director of Bay Ridge Siding & Sash (Big deal – his daddy owns it). "It's maintenance free, never needs painting and adds thousands to the resale value of your home."

"Speaking of which," Luftmensch added, "the real money is in real estate. You buy a house for $500,000 and sell it a year later for $750,000. You can't lose!"

But a few have managed to keep their cool in the market meltdown. Handsome Vinnie Altomare of Engine 5 on Flatbush Avenue said, "Hey, I get a paycheck from the city every week, a nice pension, and I'm helping people every day – what could be better?"

Experts agree: a steady job and realistic expectations are the only way to hold on your sanity in this bear market. And if that slut Rosanna at the Nail Palace on Avenue O doesn't stop hitting on Vinnie, she's going to get it right in those fake boobs of hers. Talk about bursting the bubble!

Five years ago in
Herd on the Street . . 

Easy Money

with Maria Boroaroma

The lovely and insightful Maria Boroaroma    Do you like easy money as much as I do?

    Then why haven't you signed up on line to make millions with day traders? Thousands of jamokes no brighter than you are crowding Internet brokerage offices from Williamsburg to Sheepshead Bay and scoring big – but not with me, because I've found my own Mr. Gotrocks!

    As market genius and publisher of Hot Ones, the tout sheet for the Internet Era, Leo Luftmensch has often stated: "Anyone who isn't 100% invested – make that 500% invested with margin – in Internet and New Economy issues might as well be supersizing fries at the Kosher King on Avenue P."

    The handsome, dashing Luftmensch (who'll soon be completing a friendly merger with yours truly as soon as comes across with the five-carat solitaire he keeps promising) turned a $25,000 stake into a stock portfolio worth millions, just by trading every single day. "I bought Enron at 40 and sold at 41. Then I bought CMGI at 100 and sold at 105. You can't lose," he explained.

    Other savvy market professionals agree. "For the first time, the average investor has access to the same information as the big guys. You know as much as Bernie Ebbers does, and he keeps buying WorldCom," explained day trader and former junior high phys ed teacher Vito Tangentali of Ozone Park.

    Even old-line stuffed-shirt Manhattan investment firms, who employ those guys in suits who always get into the clubs you can't get into unless you're a celebrity like me, are getting into the act.

    Henry Floggit, senior Internet analyst, pulled down a cool $10M last year (but he's married!). He told me: "This new economy rewards those bold enough to take risks and punishes the depressed old wankers who keep blathering on about valuations and fundamentals. Don't they know we passed that inflection point several eons ago?" Another New Economy superstar analyst, Mary Mendacious, agreed: "Now's the time to buy, and I've got it to sell!"

    Of course all investing has risks and yada, yada, yada, but, girlfriend, if you don't take risks, you'll be stuck in Bay Ridge with some guys who hauls a firehose for the rest of your life, while Leo and I close next week on our Park Avenue triplex. And ours even has three floors. Can it get any better than that? Although I wish Leo's mother would stop referring to me as a "goombah" – 

[That's all the space we have for Maria Boroaroma. You can ogle Maria yourself on Brooklyn Cablevision channel B29 weekdays from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, – Financial Ed.]

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