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        Volume CCXXXII, Number 25          September, 2002              Page 4

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Bush to propose patriotic tax cut to honor the many victims of the September 11 attacks

CRAWFORD, Tex. – President George Bush called on Congress to cut capital gains taxes in a tribute to the thousands of Americans who died on September 11. "There could be no finer tribute to these fallen heroes than to free Americans from the burden of paying taxes. They gave their lives for freedom."

White House insiders expect the President's patriotic call for more tax breaks for the richest 1% of Americans to be swiftly approved by Congress. "Anyone who's against these tax cuts is a stooge of al-Qaeda terrorists. It's that simple," explained Vice President Dick Cheney from his secure trout stream in Wyoming.

Some Democrats said they were struggling to find the connection between the terrorist attacks and tax cuts, but other cautioned caution in the face of the President's popularity. "Maybe we ought to go along with whatever he wants and hope Bush wets himself in public," said one Democratic Senator.

Norton proposes initiative to make national parks safe from terrorism

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyoming – Interior Secretary Gale Norton said today that national parks must do their bit to help out on the war on terrorism. She proposed a multi-pronged initiative to secure the parks against terrorism while stimulating the economy.

"Everyone knows that each tree constitutes a potential hiding place for al-Qaeda terrorists," Norton announced at the summer meeting of the National Lumber Association. "We must eliminate that threat by eliminating the trees."

Her program, called Operation Clearcut for America, allows lumber companies to chop down any tree in a national park that they believe could be used for the purposes of terrorism. Norton emphasized that the lumber companies will plant the cleared areas with grasses, flowers and low ground cover. "America won't be safe until our national parks are secured," she declared.

Later, at a $10,000-per-plate GOP fundraiser in Pocatello, she announced the second part of her park protection scheme. "Terrorists could easily use mountains and other natural protuberances as hiding places. Today I have announced Operation Flatten for America. Mining companies will be allowed to bulldoze any mountain they believe could harbor terrorist or their sympathizers (including wolves and mountain goats). That way, the ground will be nice and flat and there will be nowhere for the terrorists to hide."

The two-part scheme is expected to be popular in the vote-rich Western states. Back east, The Wall Street Journal editorial page called it a "triumph of common sense, free markets and patriotism," and warned "whining tree-hugger apologists for terrorism" not to oppose the plan, lest they incur the wrath of the Journal's editorial board.

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Congress to take note of September 11 tragedy

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress will mark the anniversary of September 11 with a subdued ceremony. All 435 Representatives and 100 Senators will address their respective chambers on America's response to terrorism on live television. Subpoenas have been issued to relatives of September 11 victims to form a claque in the galleries.

"We wanted to do something to show how concerned we are about the victims of terrorism, but to avoid at all costs cheap tear-jerking publicity stunts intended to promote our re-election campaigns," explained House Majority Masher Tom "the Exterminator" DeLay. DeLay announced that following the special sessions, there will be a $1 million a plate dinner to raise money for the GOP at the Washington Hilton featuring the theme "America Unites to Beat Terrorism and Democrats."

ASHCROFT ANNOUNCES CUTBACKS IN WAR ON TERRORISM

HOLY ROLLER, Tenn. – Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that the war on terrorism would require cutbacks. He told a $100,000-a-plate fundraiser at the National Snake Handlers for Christ Convention in this small town outside of Memphis that the Lord had guided him in a vision.

"Our Lord and Savior told me to cutback. And I said to Him, cut back on what? And He said, 'The Constitution, you miserable sinner."

"As His servant, I announce today that to fight the war on terrorism successfully, we have had to cut back on the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Eighth, Tenth and Fourteenth Amendments to the U.S. Constitution," Ashcroft intoned. "I'll let you know when you can have them back."

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FIREMEN CLAIM WAGE PACKAGE AN INSULT TO SEPTEMBER 11

OLD SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – City firefighters have rejected the city's latest wage offer as an "insult to every fireman who died on September 11." Although no Old Sludgebury firemen in fact died on September 11, "it's the principle of the thing," explained Firefighters' Association union rep Jimmy Burke.

The city, facing a huge budget shortfall in the aftermath of the voters' rejection of a Prop. 2 1/2 override, has proposed that the firemen give back some of their 46 paid holidays, including St. Anselmo's Day and National Check Your Hydrants Day. The city also says it can no longer afford providing full disability pensions to firefighters who develop painful podiatric disease while on duty. "We had 25 guys get full pensions for bunions last year," said Mayor Cash Payment. "What's up with that?"

But the fireman's union is having none of it. "Asking our members to give back the wages and benefits they earned is a slap in the face to the memory of all firefighters who died on September 11. The mayor should be ashamed of himself, and if he isn't yet we'll send him that tape that we recorded at the Sludge Valley Motel," Burke added ominously.