| Spy to the
rescue!
Career Guide '09
Editors'
Note: Who says the economy is in the crapper?
Just because millions have lost their homes, their jobs,
their health insurance, their life savings, their retirements
– [We get
the picture – Ed.] Never let it
be said that the Spy did
not do its bit to fertilize the green shoots of recovery. So
here's our bonus Career Guide '09 with advice to the jobless on four
fast-growing high-pay positions perfect for you and/or your wretched
children: | Right-wing talk show
host Can you talk to
yourself for hours in Dunkin' Donuts or on the subway?
Now you can turn what some may call a disorder into millions
of dollars, just by ranting into a microphone or a TV camera.
Just make sure you blame Obama, liberals, immigrants and nig,
uh, people who don't share our values for all of America's woes.
After all, wasn't it illegal aliens and ACORN who caused the
world's financial system to crater by packaging and selling toxic-waste
mortgages? So don't let your paranoia go to waste: if your
demons match Rupert Murdoch's, then Schlox has a place for you!
Drug addicts and alcoholics are welcome to apply, because
their hallucinations are good for hours of airtime a week.
Ability to speak English required. Ability to write
or understand English optional. |
| Sheriff
Let America's tragedy of foreclosure
put money in your pocket! Every family thrown out of their
home or apartment means between $100 to $250 in the pocket of some
stooge with a badge and a gun. No training, experience,
judgment, or discretion required. Just show up at the door
with a piece of paper and if you get any lip, just rev up the old
Taser! Job opportunities in this exciting fast-growing field
exist all over the country, with plenty of positions opening up in
the sun-drenched exurbs of California, Nevada, Florida, and Arizona.
Added perk: if you see any possessions on the lawn that look
good to you, they're yours! Like these miserable schmucks are
going to complain. |
| Embassy
guard Once upon a time, U.S. Embassies were guarded by
highly-trained, snappily-dressed, and professional U.S. Marines.
Of course, once upon a time, workers were protected by unions
too. But times change, and with Marines fully engaged in serving as
bomb bait in the wastes of Central Asia, the U.S. Government has
outsourced protection of diplomatic facilities and personnel to
– well, basically anyone who can fog a mirror.
No training or English language proficiency required, but you
will be issued one or more high-powered weapons to shoot off whenever
you get bored. Enjoy a collegial, informal atmosphere that
would remind you of your college fraternity had you not dropped out of
high school at 15 to help run the family's meth lab. And
you'll be serving your country, too! Criminal background,
credit, and sexual predator checks? Forget about 'em!
You're in! |
| | Recycling
specialist It's the craze
that
swept the libertarian paradises of Guatemala and Honduras.
Now it's immigrated north! Kids can earn up to ten
dollars a week [Surely,
hour? – Ed.] pouring through landfills
looking for garbage to recycle. We're talking rags, copper
wire, aluminum cans, the lead shielding on old televisions
– all there just begging for your eight-year-old to pick
it up and sell it. Why should your offspring waste their time in
overcrowded schools when they could learn about chemistry and
physiology by handling and sorting toxic waste? Best of all,
they'll see the glories of the free market at work. Did we
mention it
was environmentally sound? Maybe not for your kid's
environment, what with all the cadmium and dirty needles, but at least
they're out in the fresh air! |
| |
