Stop coughing!

The Spy's David Bloviator on the health care debate

Editors' Note: After 60 years of debate and 57 million Americans with inadequate or no health insurance, Washington is abuzz with rumors that America, following in the footsteps of the other 50 advanced industrialized democracies, might do something about it. Of course, it's not that simple. And where you find money, high-priced lobbyists, entrenched interests, powerful Senators, and an open bar [Surely, an open debate? – Ed.], you'll find the Spy's ace political seer, David Bloviator, getting to the bottom of it. Recently, the great man deigned to descend from his stool [Surely, perch? – Ed.] to give us the benefit of his six decades of conventional wisdom.

TMS: Tell us, Mr. Bloviator, what is the status of the health care debate now going on in Washington?

You thought we were going to Photoshop Bloviator in surgical scrubs like every other lame-o media outlet covering the health insurance debate? Not us! [We don't have Photoshop – Photo Ed.] 

DB:  It has reached a decisive moment.  

TMS:  What is riding on the outcome? 

DB:  Nothing less than the future of the Obama Presidency.  Failure to enact health care reform would deal a crushing blow to his Presidency.  

TMS:  Wouldn't it also deal a crushing blow to the Republicans because they have failed to work with Democrats on solving a serious social problem?  

DB:  Certainly not.  They are the party of opposition.  They oppose.  That is why bipartisanship is so important at this time. 

TMS:  How can you have a bipartisan solution when one party is relentlessly opposed to solving the problem?  

DB:  You need moderates of both parties to roll up their sleeves and get to work.  

TMS:  Isn't that what the Senate wasted all summer with, and came up empty?   

DB:  Of course, you must understand that health care is a complex issue.  It should not be rushed through.

TMS:  Hasn't it been debated since 1948?  Isn't that enough time?

DB:  In these times, moderates are especially concerned about the impact of any new expensive social program on the massive budget deficit.

TMS:  Weren't those the same moderates who rubber-stamped George Bush's tax cut for the rich in 2001 that cost about twice as much as the health care proposals on the table?

DB:  Speaking of what's on the table, all I see is an empty glass of Chivas.  Be a good lad and get me a double.

TMS:  Really, how can Max Baucus worry so much about spending money on a basic social need but not give a s*** on spending twice as much on tax cuts for the rich?  Isn't that a tad hypocritical? 

DB:  Ancient history.  Nobody remembers George Bush.  He's yesterday's news.

TMS:  And the source of today's budget deficit.

DB:  Obama must not stand up to the extreme liberal wing of the Democratic Party if he wants to get a bill.  Not to mention those horrible shrill nerdy bloggers with their lazy generalizations and gratuitous insults.      

TMS:  You mean Obama has to abandon the public option?

DB:  The public option is a non-starter.

TMS:  Why? 

DB:  The Republicans have made it clear that the public option is a deal-breaker.

TMS:  But they're going to oppose anything Obama supports, even if they had once supported the idea, like a government panel to determine if certain treatments are cost-effective.

DB:  You mean death panels? 

TMS:  That was a Republican myth peddled solely to inflame senior citizens.  

DB:  Maybe, but it was on Drudge.  With a siren.

TMS:  Do you know what is in the Finance Committee bill?  Have you read it? 

DB:  Read a thousand page bill?  How could I possibly find the time to read some tedious legislation?  That's not the way to stay wired in Washington.  

TMS:  Then how do you know what the issues are?

DB:  I have influential contacts on both sides of the aisle who are "in a position to know."

TMS:  So you just swallow whatever talking points one side or another is pushing?

DB:  Speaking of swallowing, another Chivas if you will.  

TMS:  Let's get back to the public option.  If moderates like Baucus are so worried about high costs, why don't they support a public option to keep costs down by providing competition to private insurers?

DB:  My God, man, that might threaten the very existence of health insurance companies.

TMS:  So what? The automobile threatened the existence of livery stables and nobody cared.

DB:  Are you out of your mind? Health insurance companies are as American as waterboarding. Can you imagine what would happen if they disappeared?  

TMS:  We'd probably pay a lot less for better access and equally good health outcomes, just like Canada and England.  

DB:  But just think of all the good they do.  As I said just last week at the Coalition for Responsible Health Care Reform they sponsored in Palm Springs, "First Hitler took away the people's guns. Then he took away their private health insurance."  

TMS:  You gave a paid speech to a bunch of health insurance executives? 

DB:  They know the value of my six decades of Washington experience. 

TMS:  And what was the value of your six decades of Washington experience?

DB:  Ten thousand.  Plus expenses.

TMS:  Thank you, Mr. Bloviator.