Will no one jump in to
save the drowning?

Bridge collapse
threatens GOP

Many Republicans have hailed the collapse as "long overdue." 

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

Its foundations having been eroded away to almost nothing over the past half century, the Dwight D. Eisenhower Bridge finally collapsed last week, stranding thousands while scores more were last seen floundering in the dark, turbid waters below.

Although its collapse had been predicted any number of times in recent years, the dramatic end to a once-admired and mighty landmark still sent a chill across the nation.

The bridge, which had connected the Republican Party to reality for over 60 years, had suffered greatly from neglect since 1980, when President Ronald Reagan urged his fellow Republicans to take an alternate route via Managua, Nicaragua.

Although in recent years the bridge had suffered from a noticeable decline in traffic, the few Republicans who regularly commuted over the increasingly decrepit structure are mourning its passing. "I'll never forget how impressive the bridge looked when it was dedicated by President Eisenhower at the time of the inauguration of the Interstate Highway System," remembered aged ex-Republican Sen. Arlen Specter.

"President Eisenhower thought he was building a bridge that would serve Republicans for generations," Sen. Specter said. "Of course, if he'd proposed a major public works program like the Interstate Highway System today he'd be run out of the party for promoting big government spending."

The dwindling band of Republicans who continued to use the bridge wondered what they would do now.  Even before the bridge closed, Sen. Olympic Snowe (R. – Maine) seemed to be having difficulty crossing it to address the real unmet health care needs of her wretchedly poor and sick constituents.  "I don't know what she'll do now," one Republican mused, although another speculated that the highly-self-regarded legislator expects to be able to cross by walking on water.

Proposals to rebuild the bridge have been shouted down by the ruling triumvirate of the Grand Old Party: noted author Sarah "Grandma" Palin, drug-addled insult comic Rush Limbaugh, and lithium-deprived Glenn Beck. Various alternative structures have been proposed to replace the bridge, including a bridge to nowhere connecting Ketchikan, Alaska to Malone, New York, a thousand-story Teabagger Tower designed by John Galt, and an expressway from El Paso, Texas to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, with only southbound lanes.

However, the proposal with the most support from the rank and file of the party is, according to their paymaster, Dick Armey, a 500-foot-tall illuminated cross to be erected in front of the Capital's reflecting pool in front of which those unable to afford medical care would be able to pray to Jesus to cure their afflictions.

Democrats, despite their general interest in stimulating the economy by investing in public works like roads and bridges, appear to be in no hurry to help the Republicans rebuild their last connection to reality. "I suspect they're happier where they are," commented an anonymous Democratic strategist who carries Rahm Emanuel's driver's license in his back pocket.

In the face of overwhelming Republican opposition to replacing the bridge, the few party stalwarts who wish to encounter reality, even on a temporary basis, must depend on a rickety ferry provided by New York City Mayor for Life Michael Bloomberg. However, Republicans who have dared to make the crossing to reality, like California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, report that it is a life-threatening ride.

For these reasons, the future of reality-based Republicans is thought to be in serious danger. Most expect them to drown in the treacherous waters of the Rogue River, thereby joining New York Assemblywoman Dede Scozzafava in the rapidly-growing list of victims of the collapse of the Republicans' last remaining bridge to reality.