Volume CCXXXII, Number 26        October, 2002              Worcester, Massachusetts                   Since 1770
Winner of the 2002 "On Target" Award from the Boston Police Protective Association,
who remind you to "Drive Carefully." Very carefully.

Iraqin' Crew:

BUSH TO CONGRESS: LET'S ROLL – OVER!

Top-secret Bush invasion plan shows meticulous planning that led to five-prong attack, which achieved complete success despite lack of surprise

By W. R. Hearst
War Correspondent

In a brilliant and coordinated attack, the Bush Administration has successfully deployed its forces on all vital battlefronts, including Congress, the United Nations, and all major broadcast and cable news outlets. Fighting was reported as sporadic. "We knew the wimps wouldn't shoot back," chortled seasoned combat vet Dick Cheney. "Our boys conquered Congress with no significant losses."

The White House crisis advisers are reportedly "ecstatic" over the success of the carefully-planned attack. Included in the multi-pronged assault was a landing by Rumsfeld at ABC, Cheney at CBS, Rice at Meet the Press, and Wolfowitz at Fox. "We'll mop up CNN next Sunday," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld vowed.

In the meantime, the Commander-in-Chief rolled up the enemy's left flank with a strategically-timed assault on the United Nations on September 12. Some armchair strategists had predicted that Bush would not seek to cheapen the memory of September 11 by attacking the U.N. just one day later on an irrelevant matter, but they did not count on the mettle of the U.S.'s fearless leader. "Bush was determined to milk the September 11 anniversary shamelessly to insure his war plan would succeed and it worked," explained White House Chief of Staff Andy "Marketing Whiz" Card.

Resistance on Capitol Hill was even lighter than predicted. "The Congress was ambushed and could never mount a coherent defense," explained military whiz Condoleeza Rice. "The Democratic enemy was simply overwhelmed," she added. Having rolled over the Supreme Court in late 2000, Rice noted that Bush has now conquered all three branches of government. "Now we can get on with the business of restoring democracy," she beamed.

According to Cheney, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain, and the Bush Administration expects to mop them up quickly. "We'll have a coordinated seach and smear campaign against any media outlet that dares to question the invasion of Iraq." He noted that with Congress utterly subdued, the scattered opposition of forces such as The New York Times and The Washington Post was given no chance of success.

Preliminary casualty figures were light, although Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld did twist his ankle stepping into his car after a successful attack on Fox News Channel. "Let's not kid ourselves, though," Rumsfeld said. "There will be casualties, especially at the State Department and among Democratic Senators in the Great Plains. But as George Bush has so often said, "war is hell – for Democrats."

The lovely and insightful Douglas MacArthurFront Lines

by Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Finally a Commander-in-Chief with the rocks to do what has to be done – not like that lily-livered Harry Truman or that glad-handing Eisenhower.

Bush knows what we need to do to rid this world of the scourges of tyranny and terrorism – invade the world headquarters of Terror Incorporated. That's right: this time we're going to the Yalu to stay.

Iraq is all well and good. I know we've got a score to settle there, but that's nothing compared to the unfinished business on the Korean peninsula. My boys in Seoul are rarin' to go and my sources tell me that the North Koreans will crumple like they did back in the fall of 1950 when confronted with the might of the United States Army, ably assisted by our many allies.

If any country deserved to taste Uncle Sam's hot lead and cold steel, it's North Korea. Let's look at the record:

  • Korea has continued to work on acquiring and using weapons of mass destruction. It is rapidly improving its nuclear and ballistic missile technology. Today, it can reach Tokyo. Tomorrow, San Clemente.

  • Kim has continued to repress, torture and starve his own people, leading to a famine that has cost untold numbers of Koreans their lives. Who wouldn't want to see the Big Red One distributed Hershey bars to the undernourished tots of Pyongyang?

  • North Korea continues to apply torture to its own people, and who can forget what they did to our boys back in '51?

  • And talk about repression? What do you think happens to anyone who dares to criticize the regime? This old soldier bets it's not a trip to Disney World!

And I could go on. Why, George Bush is going to invade Iraq because, according to the White House Report,

"Saddam Hussein regularly jams foreign news broadcasts. Satellite dishes, modems, and fax machines are banned, although some restrictions reportedly were lifted in 1999. In government- operated Internet cafes, users only are permitted to view web sites provided by the Ministry of Culture and Information. In 1999, Uday Hussein reportedly dismissed hundreds of members of the Iraqi Union of Journalists for not praising Saddam Hussein and the Government sufficiently."

And what about North Korea? Ditto, ditto and ditto, brother. You'd have to be as dim as a Bonus Marcher not to reach the conclusion that it's time to finish what wimps like Truman and Eisenhower couldn't: let's rid the world of the menace of North Korea and chase 'em back across the Yalu.

Casualties? They won't put up a fight. You can trust me on that!


The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from the U.S. Office of War Information, Ariel Sharon, Director, William Safire, Mouthpiece


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