Volume CCXXXII, Number
26 October, 2002
The Spy, after careful consideration of modern mores, manners, cultural norms and the interests of media buyers for our largest advertisers, has decided to expand its traditional wedding pages to celebrate another practice that has "come out of the closet." Accordingly, we are proud to inaugurate and fill space with
DIVORCES
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The First Intergalactic Court of Zontar was the site of the divorce of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. The divorce ceremony was capped by the the traditional ripping off of the vial of the ex-spouse's blood worn around the neck, which Ms. Jolie then ground into the dirt with her jackboot. Mr. Thornton was on an eight-day tear with a girl's beach vollyball team in Venice, California at the time. "Angelina is a very spiritual, almost otherworldly creature," commented her fellow alien Julia Roberts. "This divorce ceremony was important to her and she pulled it off with her usual panache." The ex-bride has no parents she is willing to acknoledge. The groom, 57, is the son of Mr. Bobby Bill and Ms. Betty Lou Thornton of Trailer Trash, Tex. The ex-bride's adoptive daughter was left in the care of her illegale nanny. After the ceremony, the ex-bride intends to take a trip to the Dantuie star system to visit some collateral relations.
Probate Court in Bridgeport, Connecticut was the setting for the divorce of horny and surprisingly sleazy tycoon Jack Welch and his second wife, Jane Welch, who had broken up the ex-groom's first marriage ten years ago. The ceremony was marked by a ritual burning of the Welch's pre-nuptual agreement, which had expired just two months before the divorce was filed. "You can bet that I stuck it out until the prenup expired," said a clearly elated ex-wife after the divorce. "I know every word of that damn thing and it says that if I can last ten years with that old fossil, I get half of everything – except his skanks. He can keep those." Ms. Welch, joined at a festive post-divorce lunch in Greenwich by her fellow leathery golddiggers, joked: "I earned every penny of it. When I married him, Viagra hadn't been invented. He could barely lay a hand on me. With those damn pills, I actually had to come across for that disgusting old coot." Mr. Welch was unable to attend the ceremony but was observed sucking face on Nantucket with his new paramour, Ms. Suzy Creemcheese. "Thank God she's not a lawyer; I can put anything in her pre-nup I want!" the geezer remarked.
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Jennifer Lopez,
Ms. Jennifer Lopez of the South Bronx and Malibu, California announced her divorce from backup dancer Hector Biftecca. [Hey, it rhymes in Worcester – Ed.] Ms. Lopez was attended by a retinue of 47, including 12 lawyers, 6 goons, 9 masseurs, and 20 ladies-in-waiting to haul her cocoa butter and other unguents. Ms. Lopez, 31, traditionally lops two years off of her age each time she divorces. Her three previous marriages also ended in divorce. Prior to her first marriage in 1991, Ms. Lopez was 37. Sources close to the ex-bride stated that she felt that Hector was no longer "fly" enough for her and was also reportedly displeased by his failure to master any words of English other than "booty." After the brief ceremony in Los Angeles Probate Court, the ex-bride and her retinue repaired to Palm Springs for a week of massage and mud baths intended to allow the "singer" also known as J.Lo. a chance to recover from the stress of the six-week marriage. A source close to Ms. Lopez's coconut bath beads said, "J.Lo is really broke up about this, you know? She's a good girl but Hector he was into all kinds of shit, you know what I mean?" After the divorce decree is issued, the ex-groom intends to return to his former employment as a livery car driver in Washington Heights.
Rudolph Giuliani,
Surrogate's Court in Manhattan was the setting of the divorce of former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and well-known celebrity Donna Hanover [What for? – Ed.] arising out of the ex-Mayor's highly-publicized tomcatting around Manhattan with upwardly-mobile skank Judith Nathan of Back Seat, Pennsylvania. (The ex-mayor and his current main squeeze are shown enjoying a festive evening somewhere in Germany.) The divorce, which commenced several years ago before the ex-Mayor assumed his current role as saint, seer and national hero, was briefly overshadowed in the local media by a widely-reported terrorist incident in New York's Financial District, but has since resumed its rightful place as among the most embarrassing and sordid in America. The ex-wife was awarded custody of the couple's two children, the remains of Mr. Giuliani's reputation for integrity, honesty and probity and half of all income earned by the former Mayor in the course of his exploitation of September 11 for personal and political advantage. Mr. Giuliani was permitted to keep his comb-over, which he has since donated to charity. Friends of the former Mayor [of which he has many, I'm sure – Ed.] report that, sadly, in the aftermath of September 11 and his subsequent fame, he has forgotten about Ms. Hanover and their child. Reminded that he had two children with her, he paid tribute to the heroes of September 11 who pulled his reputation out of the toilet. |
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IN THE LAST STAGES OF KORSIKOFF'S DEMENTIA, THE VICTIM LOSES ALL LONG-TERM MEMORY "I recall (the Big Dig) as being on time and on budget," Weld said of the massive highway project, whose cost has ballooned to more than $14 billion. -- The Record, September 20, 2002 at 5. |