November 18

Grand Rapids, Michigen (I think!)

Dear Dairy,

Here I am on my book tour! They gave me my very own bus (to pick me up at the airport when I get off my private jet) with my picture ten feet tall on the side and a private bedroom and a bathroom that flushes, sort of!  (Just like the one back home!) Thousands of my fans waited all night in the cold just to see me. And can you blame them? I'm bigger than Jon and Kate or Paris Hilton or even that old guy I ran with. What was his name again? Just kidding! Not!  

Best of all dairy (well, next to getting away from Alaska and those squalling brats!) I took a look at my bank statement yesterday and do you know what I saw? $5,000,000! Five million dollars. That's more money than everyone I know put together, including Levi's mother with all the money she made dealing drugs from her back porch. I can buy whatever I want! Todd can too if he doesn't roll over and fall asleep right afterwards. Todd, if you want that jet powered snow thingie, then wake up! (Of course he's home now. Someone has to keep the children from drowning in Lake Wasilla, I guess! After all I am the family values candidate!)

November 19

Some Army base somewhere

Dear Dairy,

No matter how that Kenyan guy tries to trip me up, I come out ahead.  When I got to this mall, some guy in a uniform told me I couldn't make any speeches or pose for any pictures because it was "government policy."  That's just the kind of restriction on our freedoms that the Socialists in Washington want to impose on all of us.  Of course, if this were Alaska, I'd have this buttinski fired in no time, or at least transferred to pounding the beat in Barrow (which is right next to the North Pole, if you don't know Alaska the way I do).

Anyway I told them I wouldn't accept this and they had to back down [Actually, it was the Associated Press that obtained press access – Ed.]  I'm not going to let the liberal media, including poor desperate Katie Couric, shut me up. I know what she needs – maybe Levi will do some charity work!  

Speaking of that man-slut, the sight of all those good-looking soldiers on the base filled me with a patriotic thought as I so often do: Why doesn't Levi enlist? The Army would make a real man out of him and if sadly he died like so many other brave Americans defending our values and flag and low taxes and all those sorts of things, that would be sad, but at least he wouldn't be hanging around with Hollywood limp, um, wrists and posing naked for dirty magazines. What kind of cheap sleazebag tries to capitalize on their appearance to make money and get famous? By the way, I've been offered $2 million to put my name on a perfume. They want to call it "Rogue." The money just keeps rolling in! What a great country! I'm so inspired to be an American!

November 21

Ohio State (but really all those big malls are starting to look alike to me, except for the ones with the Nordstrom's!)

Dear Dairy,

Everyone is telling me I did so well on Oprah. And I couldn't agree more! First, while I would never say anything disparaging about someone like Oprah who is such a role model to other poor unfortunate black people like her and so forth, the woman has an ass like the Mack truck with the drilling pipe Todd used to drive.

She tried to be nice to me so she autographed T-shirts with her picture on them for my assistant to send to Bristol, Cessna, Trag, Trig, Slag, and Bristol's love child Mud but I could see she was trying to get me away from my inspirational message of hope and optimism and American values. But I wouldn't let her and I just kept telling her about how I prayed for John McCain's horrible campaign aides (especially the little bottle-blonde bitch), the Alaska state troopers I fired [Actually, she tried and failed to fire them – Ed.], the unpatriotic liberal media that is also anti-women too and that leathery Alaska-hater Katie Couric to repent and see the error of their ways. I think people would really respond to my positive patriotic message if only the lying mainstream terrorist-loving media would let me [That's enough Sarah – Ed.]