Modern Romance
Finding
True Love
by
Lloyd B. I'll never
forget the day I found my true love. It happens to all of us
sooner or later, but I was just a small boy when my father, who ran a
Lubavitcher Chabad "tank" on Broad Street in lower Manhattan, took me
to work with him. Just a few
yards away, a couple of burly security guards were wrestling heavy
canvas bags onto an armored truck, while a few other guards stood by,
hands on their holsters. I noticed that the passers-by all
snuck sidelong glances at the process, and then furtively
looked away and walked on. "What's
in the bags?" I asked my father. "Money,"
he said. My heart leapt.
I knew I was in love and I would never be happy
until I had sacks and sacks of money, much more than was on that one
armored truck. Today, after
years of hard work and sucking up, I have more money than God. Am I happy? You bet your ass. That's what
happens when you find
true love.
You
never forget your first love.
|  | My City and I ALISON
PORCHNIK
Senior
Managing Director, Porchnik Palatial Properties How
I triumphed over
holiday shopping The
holidays: admit it, it's the most hectic time of the year.
The stores are jammed, the help is unruly, and each of my
nannies wants time off to spend with their own children in Haiti.
What's a busy, super-successful "career mom" to do?
I thought about
going on line to buy all the gifts on my
list. But I couldn't waste time in front of my
computer that I should be using to rustle up prospects for a fantastic
junior
4 just off Madison Avenue in the 90's triple mint for only $3.8 million
– [Move
along, Alison – Ed.] And
don't expect Alvin to help out, not with
all the fooferaw about some trader at his hedge fund being indicted.
He's always got an excuse! Then
it hit me: Why am I buying all these presents for people who aren't in
a position to do anything for me? I couldn't think of a
single reason, so I dropped scores of names from my list.
It's high time for my parents and siblings to stand on their
own two feet anyway. Lots of blind people get along perfectly
well on the bus. Well of course I'd still have the day nanny buy
things for Max and Sadie, my two brilliant precocious children.
As I thought of my
two prodigies,
I started
making a list on my iPhone. First, the admissions director of the
school
that Max and Sadie are applying to. Second, the doorman who
takes in all my packages and tells me where Alvin is heading when he
goes
out for his "late meetings." Third, everyone who tipped me
off about possible listings last year. Who says being a
funeral director is a lonely profession? [That's really
enough Alison – Ed.] |
FASHIONS
OF THE TIMES Zombies Take
Manhattan!
Cutting-edge
Manhattanites have always
sought a pale, thin, haggard look, suggestive of bulimia if not
consumption. So it's
no surprise that the zombie look has swept the City from the
Meatpacking District to Avenue D. Must-have accessories to complete the
effect:
cigarettes,
hacking cough, blow, sniffles.
Below: Lindsay
Lohan. Right top: An Olsen twin. Right bottom:
Some Ukrainian 12 year old who fell off a fire escape in Tribeca last
week.
|  |
|
Real Estate of The Times:
WHAT
$20
MILLION WILL BUY YOU IN:
Soho:
One
bedroom loft, 1 full bath, galley kitchen with granite counters.
Approx. 900 sq. ft., including pillars, piping, forge, hip freight
elevator. Maintenance: $36,000 per month.
Chappaqua,
NY
Five-bedroom
four-bath colonial on two acres of land, taxes
$14,000 per year. Short 12-mile drive to Metro-North Station.
Hyde
Park, Chicago, Illinois
16
room brick mansion with eight bedrooms, paneled library, 24-hour attack
dog guard service, convenient to University of Chicago, Midway, U of C
Hospital Trauma Center, Richard Posner.
Mansfield, Ohio
Working
farm on 35,000 acres. Six farmhouses, four barns, many cows.
Private pond, airstrip, peasantry. Convenient to
nothing.
Honduras
Entire
country. Tropical climate, sea coast access, no taxes,
thousands of peons willing to work for pennies a day. Clean
water available at extra charge
This
Soho coop offers excellent light, views
| |
FIVE
SLURPING MINUTES WITH:
BARRY
LEVINSON
Interview conducted, edited,
rewritten, and
cleaned up by Deborah Dreibuch  Hollywood legend
and genius Barry Levinson
Times: Barry
Levinson,
you're one of the most successful directors in Hollywood whose pictures
have grossed over $1.5 billion. Thank you for taking time
from your busy schedule of making hit movies to talk with us.
BL:
Actually, $2 billion including the DVD revenues, but who's counting?
It's only money. That's why I'm devoting myself to
a new documentary called The
Awful Truth that will reveal the crisis caused by global
warming and the need to take immediate action.
Times:
Sounds fascinating, but a tad familiar. I understand that
you've encountered some challenges in making the transition from
dramatic features to documentaries.
BL: Familiar?
What are you implying?
Times:
Well, it does bear a glancing resemblance to Al Gore's film
An –
BL: What
kind of
character assassination are you engaging in? I'm always
willing to accept constructive criticism but you're as bad as that
witch Alessandra Stanley who criticized my last documentary even though
she made a mistake in a column she wrote in 2004. Now get the
f*** out of here before I have you (continued
on page D94) |
