 | Volume CCXL, Number 277 January 19, 2010 |
 | That's
Entertainment! NBC
RETHINKS BURBANK, California – Its entertainment strategy as bankrupt as the state where it produces its shows, the Comcast Broadcasting Company, a/k/a NBC, has once again rejiggered its prime-time and late-night lineups in the wake of Jeff Zucker's disastrous efforts to win viewers on the cheap. Having been warned in advance by every marginally sentient executive in the television business [Surely, CEO's of local affiliates? – Ed.] that replacing scripted drama at 10 p.m. with Jay Leno and Jay at 11:30 p.m. with the allegedly hilarious Conan O'Brien would crush NBC and NBC stations for two and a half of the most lucrative hours in the day, Zucker nonetheless went ahead with the ill-fated gambit. After losses that may eventually exceed eight figures, before figuring in the $40 million of Comcast pelf he has to pay to Conan to make him take his show to a competitive network (Fox) at a competitive hour (11 p.m.), Zucker admitted that his programming gambit, like Monty Python's parrot, had gone to its reward.  Heeeere's
Snooki!Photo © Sumner's Broadcasting Company d/b/a MTV Networks The brilliant network supremo will now plug the gaping holes at 10 p.m. with whatever tired serials he can move from 9 p.m. and send Jay Leno, now regarded as damaged goods, back into the ring against David "the Ladies' Man" Letterman. With business savvy like that, it's a wonder that Zucker hasn't been asked to run Citigroup. Desperate junior NBC executives [Surely, well-placed network sources? – Ed.] have told the Spy and any other blog and rag that will listen that Zucker does not intend to rest on his, um, laurels. Instead, the irrepressible former Crimson editor is planning a further reworking of NBC's late night lineup as soon as Jay Leno's contract is up. You read it first in the Spy BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN BURBANK, Cal. – NBC's decision to close its
legendary Burbank studios has overshadowed an even more decisive break
from the network's past made official this week. These sources say that Zucker is secretly planning to "reinvent" the Tonight Show to appeal to a younger, edgier crowd; in other words, the ones who weren't watching Conan. In the deserted MSNBC studios in Secaucus, New Jersey, Zucker has assembled what he regards as the key to beating Letterman at 11:30: "leading edge" talent. Zucker is said to have selected Jersey Shore star Snooki Rosenbaum [Copy desk please confirm name – Ed.] as the next host of the Tonight Show with her housemate, committed heterosexual Pauly DiGiacamo (or something like that) ("Pauly D"), as sidekick and bandleader. Zucker is said to have been impressed by Snooki's versatility at improvisational sketch comedy, her free-form monologue style, and her physical grace. According to one proposal, Snooki would begin each show by running out on stage and doing a handstand. In lieu of Leno's tiresome handshaking routine, Snooki would peel off her thong and throw it into the crowd. The new set is intended as a re-creation of the now famous Jersey Shore group grope [Surely, home? – Ed.], down to the stolen highway signs and fungus-ridden hot tub. It is expected that Snooki will conduct most of her celebrity interviews in the whirlpool, at least when she's doing them with male celebrities. She is still being coached on the art of conversing with female guests without either punching them in the face or referring to them as "Boardwalk trash," a sobriquet that is unlikely to be appreciated by most women celebrities (other than Courtney Love). In contrast with last year's Leno/O'Brien debacle, Zucker intends to lay the groundwork for his bold new version of the venerable late-night show carefully with key affiliates. A pilot episode, in which Snooki first interviews and then vomits upon Taylor Lautner, has drawn generally favorable responses from powerful affiliates. "That's just what we need more of at NBC," one is known to have told Zucker. Zucker, always looking to save money after blowing about $200 million on his current dog's breakfast, has made sure the bean-counters at Comcast are aware that replacing a live 10-piece band with Pauly D and two turntables would save a fortune in salaries, office space, and blow. Some nay-sayers believe that the Snooki/Pauli D Tonight Show will be even less entertaining, if that is possible, than Conan's or Leno's. However, Zucker has told his coatholders [Surely, confidantes? – Ed.] that O'Brien will never work at NBC again, and that he still doesn't see what was so "f***in' hilarious" about O'Brien and his fellow Lampoonsters sending 600 anchovy pizzas at 2 a.m. every night to their Plympton Street rivals, the Harvard Crimson, in the name of Jeff Zucker. |
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this: [Why?
– Ed.]
DEPARTMENT OF WHO
GIVES A SHIT? The [just married] couple met in February 2008 at a mutual friend's birthday party at a bar in San Francisco. They quickly got into a heated debate over who should be the Democratic presidential nominee. "He was very adamant about Obama and I was adamant about Hillary Clinton," Ms. Yamner said. Mr. Jenkins called it "fun, intellectual sparring." "It showed me that Amy had backbone," he said, "and I found that very attractive." Ms. Yanner sent an e-mail message to Mr. Jenkins the next morning, and after a few days of exchanging messages and phone calls, she agreed zzzzzzzzzz [Wake up! – Ed.] [Six
paragraphs later – Ed.] One of their
favorites was a four-hour online game of Scrabble. Ms. Yamner
once surprised him midgame with chocolate chip cookies and milk that
she had arranged to be delivered to his apartment in San Francisco
– [That's
enough – Ed.] – The New York Times, October 4, 2009, Sunday Styles at 14. |