Editors' Note:  Every so often we get a dispatch from Zontar, located in the distant Remulac galaxy, a planet that bears absolutely no resemblance to our own. As Zontar lies trillions of miles from our own planet, news from Zontar often takes a year or more to reach us, which explains why we have just received this report from November 10, 2008 on Zontar. Notwithstanding the profound differences between our world and theirs, we thought you might be interested to hear what these strange alien life forms have been up to – [On with it – Ed.]

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

WASHINGTON, D.Z. – Republicans, still trying to come to terms with two successive electoral debacles that cost them the White House and both Houses of Congress, have decided that they must change their policies in response to their repudiation by an angry electorate.

"I see now that we have to abandon the extremist positions that have brought us to our current position," said failed Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain. "We can't pretend that the loss of 15 Senate and 60 House seats in two successive elections doesn't mean anything."

McCain said specifically that he believes the GOP must abandon their single-minded notion that the cure for the country's political ills is tax cuts for the rich. "Let's face it, that was always bullshit peddled by the billionaires who have bankrolled our party for decades. The people aren't buying it and we can't afford to ignore their judgment."

The Presidential candidate said he would reach across the aisle in a new spirit of bipartisanship on "common sense" solutions to ease the pain of an electorate that has seen no real income gains in the last ten years.

"The public won't accept a system that channels all rewards to the top 1% of society, most of whom are to blame for the near-collapse of the U.S. economy," McCain said.

In a series of interviews, outgoing President George W. Bush has admitted that he made a series of drastic misjudgments that were directly responsible for the current economic and financial crisis. The President urged Republicans to work with Democrats on sensible regulation of the financial system to prevent a recurrence of the orgy of highly-leveraged speculation that led the world to the brink of a new Great Depression.

President Bush admitted that the last two elections proved that he should have spent more time working to solve the economic woes of average Americans instead of playing Tee-ball

The President also said that he had not paid enough attention to the plight of consumers and homeowners gouged by usurious credit card fees and crooked sub-prime mortgage peddlers. He suggested that the GOP take the lead in the creation of a new Consumer Financial Protection Agency staffed by "leading experts" who would strike an "appropriate balance between consumer protection and efficient banking practices."

Unemployable gasbag New Gingrich agreed that the Republican's single minded focus on enriching society's wealthiest while ignoring the needs of the other 99% of the country had to change. "Imagine if the Republicans revived President Nixon's 1972 health insurance plan, which would provided affordable health care to all Americans," he said.  

Gingrich also urged his fellow GOP'ers to abandon their reflexive hatred of any taxes, noting that a tax-financed health care system would save consumers hundreds of billions of dollars now wasted by private health insurance companies, while assuring those worried about their jobs that they need never fear that their loved ones would have to forego critical health care.  

But the GOP's newfound interest in bipartisan solutions may not be reciprocated by the newly-energized and triumphal Democrats. "The American people has decisively rejected the Republican platform of greed and fear," said Sen. Joe Lieberman, apparently eager to position himself on the winning side. "They elected us to enact the Democratic agenda, not to water it down with backroom deals with reactionary Republicans."

His colleague Sen. Dianne Feinstein was no less combative: "Republicans can either join us in providing public option health care for all, protecting the rights of workers to organize, and saving the planet from the scourge of global warming, or they can get the hell out of the way. It's their choice, and frankly I don't give a s*** what they do."

A few GOP voices in the wilderness are calling for the party to stick to their guns. They suggest that the Republicans adopt a strategy of obstruction and disinformation and hope that the economy continues to sour. "After a year or so, if we simply throw enough sand in the gears of government, the voters will start to blame the Democrats for their economic woes and we can get back into power without changing our principles one iota," said Sen. Jim DeMint of South Carolina.

But Sen. McCain, still the titular head of the Republican party, said he has had enough of what he calls "mindless obstructionism."  

He dismissed Sen. DeMint's argument by saying: "It's not as if we lost one Senate seat. We lost 15."

"We need to put our best minds together with the Democrats to arrive at bipartisan solutions. We've seen what happens when you turn the Republican Party over to extremists, bigots, and idiots, and, brother, it isn't pretty," he said.

Apparently taking Sen. McCain's remarks as a disguised attack, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who returned home to Anchorage in disgrace, said, "He said I'm not pretty? At least I can move my eyebrows, unlike that doper Cindy McCain."