You don't need a weatherman . . . 

U.S. CUT OFF BY TOXIC
CORROSIVE CLOUD

By Charles Van Doren
Science Editor with 
Bella Whiner in Old Sludgebury

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Despite some encouraging signs in recent days, most experts fear that the United States will continue to be cut off by a huge cloud of corrosive gas.

This mass of stagnant, superheated smog has been hanging over the United States for some time, isolating the United States from the rest of the world and clouding the vision of most Americans, especially the older whiter fatter ones.

The results have been seriously detrimental to the health and welfare of Americans, according to most observers of the political climate. "Because of this toxic cloud, it is literally impossible for the average American to have any contact with other countries and cultures. As a result, Americans have been become increasingly isolated, bitter, and paranoid," said Prof. Grant Padder of Old Sludgebury State College's Center for Political Climate Forecasting.

Prof. Padder noted that the persistence of this thick layer of airwave [Surely, air? – Ed.] pollution has cut Americans off from developments in the rest of the world.  "As a result of this continual spewing of hot lava, Americans believe for example that Europe is a Stalinist dictatorship where babies are killed so that the state need not provide them with medical care."

"If their view was not obscured, the fact that Europe is a healthier and more affluent society would be obvious," he said.

Prof. Padder admitted that recent breaks in the thick black ooze did allow Americans to see that it was in their interest to ensure the availability of health care regardless of income. However, he noted that most Americans remain blinded to what is obvious to the rest of the world: our mindless and promiscuous consumption of carbon-based energy threatens environmental catastrophe within the lifetimes of our children.

Scientists estimate that over 20% of the corrosive obscuration can be traced back to Mt. Waktonochsekonten

Further, because Americans are isolated by this impenetrable opaque gas, they cannot see the simple obvious solutions, including efficient mass transit, carbon taxes, and lifestyle changes such as smaller, more energy-efficient homes in denser neighborhoods.  "Most Americans, after exposure to the toxic cloud, see in global warming nothing more than a Socialist plot," Prof. Padder said.

Although the cause of this corrosive toxic cloud is obvious, the solution may take months to implement, according to Padder.  "We estimate that merely by turning off the Rush Limbaugh show, Americans could reduce the size and opacity of the toxic gas cloud by 40%.  Similar success would be achieved by switching off Schlox News from 8 to 10 p.m. and 7 to 9 a.m.," he said.

However, given the stagnant political climate, Prof. Padder is not optimistic that the murk will dissipate anytime soon. "In fact, the cloud constitutes a vicious spiral. The longer it spins in one place, the less likely it is that its victims will be able to perceive that they are in fact cut off from virtually all human contact," he said.

The effects of the toxic cloud are easy to spot, reports Bella Whiner in Old Sludgebury. Asked if she felt cut off from Europe and the rest of the world, Mrs. Kathleen T. Burke of Old Sludgebury told the Spy that she wasn't interested in visiting any European death camps. "Why should I, when I can get to Foxwoods in an hour?" she asked.

Her son, disabled firefighter James X. Burke, reached at his gym where he now works as a fitness instructor, said, "I don't see any f****n' gas cloud around here, except for the one coming out of Scott Brown's pickup truck. What the f*** are you talking about Bella? And remember to tell Nollie her private lesson is at 1 p.m.," he said.

With no hope that the cloud will disperse anytime soon, Americans are going to have to reconcile themselves to continued isolation and ignorance, according to Prof. Padder. Reached for comment, reality show personality Sarah "Grandma" Palin said only: "You betcha'.  You want anything more than that, it's going to cost you 100 G's."