The real patriots speak . . . 

GOLDMAN SACHS
CUTS OFF HEARING 

By Samuel Insull
Financial Editor 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The long-awaited Senate hearing on the conduct of Goldman Sachs dissolved into chaos today after representatives of the embattled investment firm shocked the Senators by marching out of the hearing after delivering an attack on the patriotism of their inquisitors.  

Easy Money with Maria Boroaroma

MIAMI BEACH, Florida – America's best, brightest and most eligible bankers explained to the financial press that they weren't amoral avaricious duplicitous swindlers at this week's Goldman Sachs Spring Financial Press Conference held here this week. Even if they're a little shorter than you might think and some of them are getting light on top, they've persuaded me. After all, would a bunch of criminals actually pay for a week of sun and fun for the most glamorous "money honeys" if they had anything to hide? [Yes. – Ed.] And some of them have the cutest accents! And talk about brilliant – it's hard to believe that the Goldman bankers actually inhabit the same planet as my ex Vinnie whose idea of financial success is lifting weights six hours a day so he can make it as a pec model. Several of the most persuasive bankers told me over bottles of Stoli Kristal at one of South Beach's most exclusive nightspots, whose name appears to be missing from my notes, that they are devoted to seducing [Surely, serving? – Ed.] their clients and that any apparent effort to palm off drek from their inventory is nothing more than standard industry practice. As Eduardo, who says he does not use his last name, told me late last night – well, maybe it was this morning – the most important thing in the world is trust and that I should trust him when he says I can't call him at home because he lives with his mother and she has heart palpitations whenever the phone rings and maybe he can take me to Paris next weekend, but he'd have to get back to me –  [That's all the space we have for Maria. You can ogle her yourself on Brooklyn Cablevision channel B29 weekdays from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. – Ed.]

The hostile tenor of the Senate proceedings was interrupted by a sudden point of order delivered by Goldman Sachs Public Affairs Director Eric Stratton. Ignoring a desperate Lloyd Blankfein tugging at his sleeve, Stratton rallied the demoralized Goldman Sachs fraternity with a rousing speech.  

Refusing to apologize for questionable trading practices that led to a recent SEC enforcement lawsuit, Stratton told the panel: "We're not going to stand here and tell you we didn't take liberties with our clients. We did."  

Stratton claimed that the Senate inquiry raised issues that went well beyond the alleged financial malfeasance of Goldman's mortgage trading and party planning desk. "If you indict an entire firm for the actions of a few bad apples," Stratton asked rhetorically, "aren't you really indicting the entire American financial system.?"

At this point observers noticed that Sen. Vernon Wormer (R – Kansas) appeared confused and whispered a question to Committee Chair Sen. Gregory Marmelard (R – Kansas). However, they let the charismatic Goldman executive continue without interruption.

"And if you indict the entire American financial system, aren't you really indicting the entire American way of life?" Stratton continued. 

He concluded by intoning: "Well, you can attack us all you want, but we're not going to stand here and let you insult the United States of America."

Before the astonished Senators could react, as if on cue, the Goldman Sachs executives left the witness table and marched out of the room, followed by the scores of the firm's managing directors and pledges who had been making crepitating sounds and muttering vulgarities in the audience. As the executives marched out, they hummed "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," and waved $100 bills triumphantly.

Sen. Marmelard vainly attempted to restore order by banging his gavel, while Sen. Wormer threatened to yank Goldman's federal bank holding company charter. The threat elicited a dry chuckle from Sen. Mandy Pepperidge (R – Kansas), who is rumored to be a close friend of Stratton.

After the hearing, an enraged Sen. Wormer, whose wife Verna Wormer some whisper had been hosed by a Goldman Sachs synthetic CDO deal, told the press that the walkout would result in severe consequences, noting that Goldman Sachs had been on double secret probation for some time.

Stratton, in an impromptu press conference on the Capitol steps, said he thought that the hearing had "gone well," and that he looked forward to conferring with the Senators privately later at a reception to be held in Goldman's suite at the Hay-Adams Hotel featuring special celebrity guest Ashley Dupré. He said that all Senators were invited to the gala, except for a few "closet cases," like overexposed Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown.