Volume CCXXXII, Number 28 December, 2002 Worcester, Massachusetts Since 1770

Winner of the 2002 Ari Fleischer Award for Stressing the Importance of Values in Everyday Life

To arms, the citizens!

BUSH TARGETS NEW BISTRO OF TERROR

Those who dine at the terror brasserie must pay the "addition", according to Defense Department war planners

By W. R. Hearst
War Correspondent

Bush Administration military planners, always on the lookout for hostile countries they can invade quickly and easily, have set their sites on a new target: America's No. 1 obstacle in the war on Terror.

"Who is standing in the way of our glorious victory in Iraq? Who has protected Saddam Hussein at every opportunity?" asked Viceroy- President Dick Cheney. He answered his own question with a growl: "France."

Privately, Defense Department war planners like their chances for a quick, nearly bloodless victory over the French, already gravely weakened by heavy buttery sauces, unfiltered cigarettes, and garlicky snails.

"Hell, they lost to the British, the Germans, the Algerians and the Vietnamese. And they're going to stand up to the U.S. Marines?" asked a highly-placed official who travels with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at all times. "I don't think so," barked the anonymous senior official.

While war planners are dusting the cobwebs off of the old D-Day invasion plans, most White House officials don't think an invasion is necessary. "All we have to do is bomb a few wineries and markets and blockade their imports of berets," explained an anonymous official who spends a lot of time dressed in Paul Wolfowitz's suits. "Trust me, the minute they see they their wine bottles and croissants go up in flames, they'll be begging us to surrender."

Pentagon officials have also leaked information about highly-classified "sub-lethal" weapons they intend to roll out in any attack on the French. They whisper about plans to infect French dogs with a virus that, without hurting the dogs, causes liver failure in humans. "They bring those dogs into their restaurants and within 24 hours, they can kiss their pate good bye," chortled a confidential source who parks his car in John Bolton's garage.

The Defense Department also plans to introduce the virus into cigarettes smuggled into France. "The virus would be neutralized by cigarette filters, but that's not going to be a problem in France," the source added.

White House officials admit that their biggest headache is not the conquest of the luxury-rotted nation, but what to do next. "We have to provide an occupation government that the French will accept and that will support our crusade in the Middle East," said a senior White House aide who practices on Condoleeza Rice's piano. The source said that informal feelers have been extended to reliable U.S. citizens popular with the French, but denied that the job of chief occupation administrator had already been offered to Jerry Lewis.

The threat of invasion has galvanized the formerly complacent French, who are responding with their own weapons. The Elysee Palace has ordered all French writers and intellectuals to produce at least 200 pages of subtle arguments against the American attack. "What is power and force but liguistic constructs that embody a structure of theoretical domination?" asked Jacques Derrida, an intellectual who is world-famous in France. "The negation of the reification of war valorization can be accomplished only through a universal dialectic of total criticism."

French President Jacques Chirac boasted: "And we've got another 100,000 words in reserve," before cutting the interview short to visit his "masseuse" in the Marais.

Reaction to the potential war on France has been surprisingly favorable. Senator John Kerry, who both supported and opposed war on Iraq, was much less ambivalent about France: "Frankly, this is a long-overdue measure. Do you know how much they charged Terry and me for a room at the Crillon last year?"

Democrats are also wary of being painted as unpatriotic by a Bush Administration committed to taking out the current terror-friendly French Government. "The choice is simple," said President George Bush, "Do you support the United States of America, or do you support a continuation of spicy, fatty food and obnoxious French politicians jabbering away in frog talk? We must fight for good, strong American values, like nachos and beer."

The lovely and insightful Douglas MacArthur Front Lines

by Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Now that we've got those damn elections behind us, our Commander-in-Chief can finally call out the reserves and tell the U.N. to go back to Moscow. We've got a war to fight! And maybe two or three, if we take out the French while we're at it.

Friends, I know that Bush and his boys think that Iraq will be a walk in the park. Take it from this old brasshat, if Iraq is a walk in the park, France will be a week at the beach.

I saw the poilus in "action" back in '18, and a sadder, lousier, drunker, more dissolute bunch of human wreckage in uniform I haven't seen since Nimitz tried to take my command away in '42.

I guarantee it: once our doughboys hit the beaches, it will be clear sailing to the Rhine. It took Rommel two weeks and four divisions to beat the frogs the last time; I think we can do better than the Germans what with all those whirlybird things we have now.

So what is Rummy waiting for? Our boys could sweep through France by Christmas. They'd be in fine fighting trim to march on Baghdad then!

And by the way, this old proconsul rebuilt Japan from the ashes last time out, and is tanned, rested and ready to perform the same service for the dissipated French. I'll get the bottles out of the hands of the soldiers, the cigarettes and dogs out of the restaurants, and sweep those whores off the streets.

That's just Monday. On Tuesday, it's showers and shaves for all Frenchmen – and Frenchwomen too (although maybe we better postpone that until Wednesday. Must balance strength with kindness to win those hearts and minds!).

By the weekend it's five miles of double-time for every man, woman and child. Then we'll get rid of all that creamy goop they pour over everything and serve up good old American burgers and fries. Hell, the French invented French fries, didn't they?

But I digress. This old Commandant now feels vindicated by his fellow countrymen, who abandoned him for that wimp Eisenhower in '52. From coast to coast, from Georgia to Alaska, on Election Day 2002, red-blooded Americans had the chance to choose war or peace – and they chose war!

Take my word for it – they won't regret it. When they see half of Baghdad pounded into bits, their hearts will swell with pride. And when they see the American flag flying proudly above the burning oil fields of Basra, they'll be busting their buttons.

I tell you, I'm already all choked up over the spectacle of tanned, virile young U.S. Army troopers smiling for photographers amidst fields of grotesquely mangled Iraqi corpses. And I'll be shedding a few tears at the sad, yet necessary, ceremony of burying flag-draped coffins, whether one or one thousand, to the accompaniment of a solitary bugler.

America voted for war, and I say let's give 'em what they want. That's democracy!

Empty jabbering about and photos of Affleck-Lopez engagement, pages 6 through 98 (photo of Lopez's tuchus continued on pages 99 through 107)
Attorney-General John Ashcroft announces new campaign to lock up "funny-looking heathen" as new terror attack draws near, page 297
Rumsfeld dodges question of how American forces will fight urban war in Baghdad by shooting reporter who dared to ask, page 138 (under feature about T-shirt Eminem wore to the the Jive Cable Music 'n Movie Awards)
Bush Administration plans to repeal income and estate taxes with goal of reducing Bill Gates's tax rate to zero, page 301 (under exclusive Spy interview with heartbroken Gisele Bundchen, following assault by PETA activists holding signs saying "Bundchen fur scum." "What do they want?" the supermodel wailed. "I just had it waxed the day before!")

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