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        Volume CCXXXII, Number 28          December, 2002              Page 2

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David Bloviator: the national view

Of course, this was going to be the Republicans' year – how could anyone think otherwise?

WASHINGTON, D.C.  –  George Bush and the Republicans did everything right and the hapless Democrats ran the worst campaign in American political history. That was the lesson learned from the smashing Republican triumph in the mid-term elections.

As my fellow pundit Frank Rich so brilliantly concluded, the blame for the debacle can be placed squarely on the Democrats who failed to present a credible alternative to a popular war hero. Instead, they offered the same tired discredited liberal solutions, such as balanced budgets, the United Nations, taking semiautomatic weapons out of the hands of the demented and the deranged, and succoring the poor and old.

When that didn't work, they desperately tried to blur the differences between themselves and Republicans by failing to endorse repeal of tax cuts. Who knows how many Senate seats they could have won by forthrightly demanding repeal of tax cuts? Certainly Missouri, New Hampshire and Georgia would have fallen into their hands like overripe mangoes while Democrats would have swept states like Minnesota and South Dakota where hurting farmers and workers cry out for taxes.

The Democratic defeat was so crushing that Washington insiders are wondering whether the party can ever recover. "Maybe they should just crawl into a hole and die," said Grover Doughquest, chairman of Americans for No Taxation. "The Republicans have the valor of George Bush and the charisma of Dick Cheney. That's damn near unbeatable."

Ann Colt .45 reporting from Georgia

Sen. Max Cleland falls victim to patriotic fever

ANDERSONVILLE, Ga. – The good citizens of this famed capital of resistance to Northern imperialism had a little advice for soon-to-be- former Senator Max Cleland: if you don't support George Bush, you won't have a leg to stand on.

The weaselly liberal liar, who tried to swindle the good goobers of Georgia by falsely claiming that he was a patriot too, was outed by his stalwart opponent, Saxby Chambliss, ably aided by war hero George Bush.

So here's the message to the liberal Democrat surrender-to-Saddam squad: real Americans don't care how many body parts you left behind in Vietnam. When George Bush gives you an order, it's yes, sir.

Maria Boroaroma: on and off Wall Street

Financial markets cheer GOP sweep with a massive sell-off

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. [If she's in Brooklyn, shouldn't she say so? – Copy Ed.]  – A joyous Wall Street responded to the twin stimuli of the smashing Republican victory and the Federal Reserve interest rate cut by – dropping a couple of hundred points, snuffing out the October market rally.

Analysts had a ready explanation: "This was a technical correction to an overbought condition," explained Leo Luftmensch of the independent research boutique and aluminum siding contractor Bay Ridge Investments and Home Improvement. Asked when the market would turn around and he would repay the 20 large lent to him by a famous financial correspondent, he responded, "Soon, Maria. Very soon."

But other market watchers were puzzled over the events. "Exploding the deficit in future years to benefit those who have plenty of money already ought to really give the market a boost," said Henry Floggit, former Research Director at Salomon Brothers and now Managing Director of Starbucks on Avenue P. "This is a technical correction that should provide a buying opportunity over the short to long term."

I could have gotten better quotes but since the Spy closed my office in Manhattan I've had to take the QB to the 3 to the A just to do my job. And you could grow old and die waiting off-peak for the QB. I'd walk 12 blocks to the F but these Blahniks are so beat up, fuhgedaboudit – [That's enough, Maria – Ed.]

Walter Mondale, having lost his Senate bid in Minnesota, has fallen into a manhole in Mudflap, Minnesota while construction workers work feverishly to ignore him

Minnesota

Mondale falls into open manhole; then bitten by rabid wolverine

By Harold Stassen
Minneapolis Bureau Chief

MUDFLAP, Minn. – Former Vice President Walter Mondale, having squandered the sympathy engendered by the death of Sen. Paul Wellstone, has encountered further misfortunes.

On a tour to thank the 14 people who voted for him, he was caught in a sudden blizzard in Mudflap, a small town 200 miles northwest of Hibbing, Minnesota, which itself is in the middle of nowhere. Weather over the remainder of Northern Minnesota was reported to be sunny and mild at the time.

As a result of the sudden micro-storm, the hapless Mondale tripped and fell into an open manhole that was part of a sewerage project financed through a Wellstone-inspired earmark. Worse yet for the ex-Ambassador, his fall landed him in a den of rabid wolverines, who bit him in both ankles. Hospital workers expect to inject Mondale with the anti-rabies vaccine as soon as someone helps him out of the hole.

His fellow has-been, former Sen. George McGovern, commented: "Let's face it. This guy is the biggest loser in American political history, myself included."

Editors' Note

As a result of a software malfunction in the replication unit of the Spy's production facility, early editions of the November Spy did not include David Bloviator's pre-election column. It is reprinted here for the convenience of you, the reader.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (November 1) – The midterm elections are heading for a nail-biting barn-burning showdown, and savvy poll-watchers are warning the country that we may not know the outcome for a month, or more.

Knowledgeable campaign watchers point to the too-close-to-call races in New Hampshire, Colorado, Missouri, Minnesota and South Dakota as pointing to a repeat of the month-long agony of election 2000. Add to the mix the thousands of electoral lawyers retained by both parties and you've got a recipe for long-term confusion and chaos, which can benefit only one man: Saddam Hussein.

Even as George Bush frantically jets around the country, his own brother, Jeb, may be facing a humiliating defeat that could call into question the political future of the entire Bush family.

[Unfortunately, for reasons of time and space, we are unable to bring you the remainder of David's brilliant column. If you would like to read the full column, please send a stamped self-addressed envelope to Mr. John P. "Jack" Meoff, Director, Production Quality Control Reconciliation and Review, The Massachusetts Spy Production Facility, 200 Toxic Ash Road, Old Sludgebury, Massachusetts. Please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery.]