Volume CCXXXII, Number 28        December, 2002              Page 4

AMERICA UNDER
 ANXIETY ATTACK

OLD SLUDGEBURY
AIRPORT FOILS
AL-QAEDA PLOT


Old Sludgebury Metropolitan Airport will no longer be easy pickings for terrorists.

By Douglas MacArthur
Military Editor and
Douglas Corrigan
Aviation Editor

Al-Qaeda, already on the ropes following Don Chiofaro's brilliant stroke of closing the International Place garage (see Spy No. 27), has been dealt the proverbial coup de grace by the fearless counterterrorism experts at the Old Sludgebury Airport Commission.

As we are all too aware in the aftermath of September 11, America remains shockingly vulnerable to terrorist attack. But terrorists seeking to base their operation at the Old Sludgebury Metropolitan Airport can just keep on looking. Explained Airport Manager (and proprietor of the famous Downdraft Snack Bar at the airfield) A.I. Tumbledown: "Anyone you meet on the street could be a terrorist. You're not a terrorist, are you buddy?"

"At any rate," A.I. continued, "we've decided to clamp down on terrorism by restricting access to the ramp [pictured above] and taxiway [also pictured above]. No longer will some al-Qaeda terrorist be able to stroll through the Downdraft and on to the ramp. No, sirree!. They've got to have one of these ID cards with their picture on them. And I take the picture, so I'll know who they are."

Antiterrorism experts hanging around the maintenance hangar at the airport confirmed the need for the security clampdown. "It is well known that a fully-loaded Cessna 152 packs the explosive force of 52 pounds of TNT, or enough to level an entire trailer, even a double-wide," said FBO proprietor Flaps Stallworthy. "You send one of those babies crashing into one of those big skyscrapers they have in Boston, like International Place, and you could break 20 or 30 windows, easy."

The access-control measures were mandated by the Massachusetts Aeronautics Commission, according to Tumbledown. "They even gave me this Polaroid camera and lots of film!" he added.

Commission spokemodel Cassie Payment, daughter of Old Sludgebury's own state Senator, Sen. Cash Payment, said: "We want each and every one of the Commonwealth's airports to enjoy the same level of security that we have at Logan."

Asked if the Mass. Aeronautics Commission would finance repairing the Old Sludgebury Metropolitan Airport's perimeter fence, blown down during Hurricane Donna in 1960, Ms. Payment said, "I'll have to ask my dad." Sen. Payment said he would respond to the Spy's inquiry when he returned from Florida in May.

As might be expected, the al-Qaeda terrorists reacted with undisguised anger and bitterness over the lastest successful effort to thwart their evil plans. "I was thinking we could just stroll on to the airport, take that Super Cub and aim it right at the Dunkin' Donuts behind the lard-rendering plant," said terror mastermind Ahmuden Landdin.

"First International Place, now this. What's a terrorist to do?" Landdin confessed that the swift, sure action of the Old Sludgebury Airport Commission would cause him to explore more farfetched methods of wreaking havoc in the U.S., such as smuggling radioactive or biological weapons in one of the 14,000,000 shipping containers moving through U.S. ports every year.

"I guess that would be OK," admitted the disappointed terrorist, "but it's not the same thing as taking out a Dunkin' Donuts."

terror weapons

Weapons of mass destruction? Not in Old Sludgebury!

 

THE IDF SPOKESMAN EXPLAINED: "SO WHO CARES ABOUT GOYIM?"

Five people were injured Sunday, when settlers from Itamar attacked peace activists and Palestinian olive-pickers from the nearby village of Yinon.

In what appeared to be a response to the suicide bombing in Ariel, a group of armed settlers left the settlement of Itamar and headed toward an olive grove, where local residents, aided by peace activists from Israel and the United States, were harvesting the crop of olives.

The settlers, numbering between five and seven, pelted the olive-pickers and activists with stones, and beat them using their guns. The injured were taken to a private clinic in the nearby village of Akraba.

A Palestinian couple and their two children and four activists were treated in hospital for injuries including deep cuts and bruises, Yanoun Mayor Abdel Atif Isbeih said.

A statement issued by the International Solidarity Movement peace group said James Deleplain, a 74-year-old American, had a possible broken rib and Mary Hughes- Thompson, 68, a dual American- British citizen, may have had both arms broken.

Rabbi Arik Ascherman, executive director of Rabbis for Human Rights, said the settlers had "exploited" the Ariel blast as a pretext to resume violence to ruin Yanoun's farmers financially and drive them out.

Security forces did not arrive on the scene to investigate.

– Ha'aretz, Oct. 27, 2002, online edition