No more sauce for those
ganders .
. . .
JOBLESS
AGREE
TO DRUG TESTS
By David Bloviator
Political
Editor with
Bella Whiner in Old Sludgebury
WASHINGTON D. C. – Sen. Orrin Hatch's (R
– Supplements) demand
that the unemployed be required to undergo drug and alcohol testing to
receive jobless benefits has met with surprising support
from the increasingly desperate jobless, who have attached only one
tiny condition to their support. As
Old Sludgebury electrician Fran Perkins, who
has been out of work since the collapse last year of the proposal to
build a film studio in a desolate vacant downtown lot, put it: "It;'s a
great idea. Anyone receiving money from the government should
be required to subject themselves to random drug and alcohol testing.
I can hardly wait to see Senator Hatch lined up with a
plastic cup in his hand."
this
just
in
. . .
As America tries to enjoy a summer of baseball and soccer,
thousands have complained about a constant bellowing
noise interfering with the ability of average citizens to follow the
action. The noise, described as combining the worse
qualities of a roar, a whine, and an incessant buzzing, has been
tracked down to its source: the elephant. Ever since
losing the 2008 election due to their mismanagement of two wars and one
economy, the disappointed Republicans have sought to drown out all
rational political discourse with an unceasing chorus of content-free
bellowing. "Due to the nonstop bloviating coming from
anguished GOP stalwarts, it's impossible for the average citizen to
follow the arguments about balancing the need for short-term fiscal
stimulus against long-term deficit concerns, or to have a rational
debate about the role of tax increases in combating the Bush
structural budget deficit," said one economist consulted (but not paid)
by the Spy. "The
same near-deafening noise drowned out the debate about providing
cost-effective health care for all. All you could hear was a
constant mind-numbing roar about 'death panels' and 'Socialism,'" she
said. Some have argued that the nonstop din should be
outlawed, but others point out that it is simply the instinctive
behavior of herd-like Republicans and trying to stop it would be as
futile as trying to stop toxic gooey oil from fouling beaches and
marches from Pensacola to Grand Isle. 
Until it's stifled,
experts say it will continue to drown out all rational argument.
"A lot of people are saying it's high time
we stop handing out Government money to dysfunctional legislators
unable to do their jobs due to indulging in drugs or alcohol," she said. Although
the teetotaling Mormon is unlikely to be denied his Senatorial salary
due to a positive test, scores of his colleagues are not nearly as
sanguine about what would happen if they had to fill up a cup. Insiders note that while Sen. John McCain (R
– Don't Pass) can survive on handouts from his trophy
wife, other vulnerable legislators, like Sen. David Vitter (R
– Massages), might sink into prostitution [Surely, destitution?
– Ed.] Likewise,
while some House members like the well-oiled Rep. John Burton can
survive on his lucrative "consulting" arrangement with the American
Petroleum Institute, less fortunate Solons like Rep. Peter King might
have to look for work. If the tox
screen is expanded to include cocaine, look for high-flying tweakers
like Reps. Michele Bachmann and Steven King to seek whiter [Surely, greener?
– Ed.] pastures elsewhere. Despite the potential loss of so many prominent
legislators, the idea of compulsory drug and alcohol testing for
legislators has resonated with otherwise discouraged jobseekers. "If some of them lose their jobs because they
can't control their drinking and drug use, maybe they'll have a little
more empathy for those of us who can't find work," said Mary Jones, who
lost her job teaching math to second graders during the eighth round of
Old Sludgebury School Department budget cuts. "It could even reduce the deficit because I
can't believe we'd end up paying more than 25 or 30 of these jokers,"
she said. Denying any desire to
punish legislators, she said that she was only trying to ensure that
they got the help they so desperately need. Ms.
Jones noted another big plus to compulsory drug and alcohol testing of
Senators and Congressmen: "You can be damn sure that this
means that Rush Limbaugh and Bill Weld will never seek elective
office." | 
