Spy v. Spy . . . .

SPY PUBLISHER
UNDER ARREST  

By Alvin T. Fuller of the Board of Editors with
Ombudsman Janet Cooke 

OLD SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – FBI agents raided the world headquarters of The Massachusetts Spy Publishing Company last night, armed with a warrant for the arrest of Spy minority owner and publisher Boris Badenov on charges of espionage, failure to register as a foreign agent, and possession of an unlicensed bass balalaika.

Badenov, whose timely investment in the Spy in February 2009 (see here), 17 months before Wasserman's cartoon in the Glob, made him a hero to the newsroom, especially its interns, was later taken into custody in a suite at the Old Sludgebury America's Tawdriest Values Inn where he was supposedly interviewing contestants for the Spy's newly created Miss Old Sludgebury After Dark pageant.

FBI agents later arrested Badenov's wife, Shtupela, at the Melanomas 'r Us Tanning Salon at the Tailings Shopping Center.

Badenov's lissome "wife" was also taken into custody

According to sources in the FBI and the U.S. Attorney's Office, who spoke on condition of anonymity so as to be able to poison the jury pool without fear of retaliation, Badenov is in fact a long-standing KGB agent who was sent on an intelligence-gathering mission to the United States.  He apparently realized that the Spy would be a perfect cover for anyone asking a lot of questions especially of local exotic dancers and community college cheerleaders.

Badenov's espionage assignment was part of a sophisticated scheme, according to FBI sources. Badenov would communicate with his KGB handlers in Moscow by posting secret messages cunningly hidden on web pages (like the Spy) that were effectively invisible to readers not "in the know."

"We think Badenov used these hidden encoded messages to for example pass along nuggets of intelligence he had gleaned from his nefarious snooping as well as to ask for further financial assistance in connection with one or more spy missions," said FBI Special Agent Rocket J. Squirrel.

FBI debriefers are still interviewing the Badenovs in an attempt to gauge the harm to national security that the two spies caused. They fear that as a result of the Badenovs' activities, the Russians have been able to leapfrog years of research and testing in the development of tanning salons and reality television shows.

Most locals were shocked to learn that the apparent pillars of the community were in fact foreign agents.  In a prepared statement, Spy Publisher W.R. Hearst said that he had performed "many minutes" of due diligence before accepting Badenov's investment.

The Badenovs had purchased a large Victorian home in the exclusive Sludge Heights neighborhood. "They seemed like a nice couple. Kind of kept to themselves, though," said one neighbor who gave his name only as "Whitey."

"He was quite a party animal. He used to buy beer and vodka for our parties as long as he could be invited," recalled Old Sludgebury Fireman Jimmy Burke.

His father, ten-term Old Sludgebury Mayor James T. Burke, said that Badenov had made a good impression when he arrived by buying 20 tickets to the Mayor's re-election fundraiser. "He was always asking questions about what I was going to do with the money and whether all elections in America were like this. I figured he was just another dips*** reporter," the Mayor said. 

Not everyone was an enamored of the Badenovs. Spy police beat reporter Bella Whiner said that she figured he was just another "Russian pig trying to hit on anything that moved as long as it was young and stupid. Like Nollie."  [That's the publisher's wife to you, Bella. Now you know why you're doing the 3 a.m. police beat. – Ed.] 

Mrs. Badenov also drew her share of unfavorable comments. "No tip. She bitch," said a manicurist at the Panmunjom Nail Salon.

The Badenovs are being held without bail at the Old Sludgebury City Jail.  Sources say that they are desperately seeking to retain a prominent Bay State criminal defense attorney by dangling an offer to collaborate on his inevitable self-serving memoir of any trial.

FBI agents said their investigation was continuing and told the press to stand by "while we pull a few more rabbits out of my hat," in the words of Special Agent B. J. Moose.