The Spy Interview

Crooked U.S. ally
Hamid Karzai

Editors' Note: At the eye of the raging storm that is the Afghan War squats Afghani President and crooked wardheeler Hamid Karzai, under whose leadership Afghanistan has reached its current nadir of Hobbesian violence and despair. What goes through the mind of a corrupt dictator propped up only by an eternal commitment of American blood and treasure? After some discussions with Don Karzai's intermediaries, we were able, with apologies to Bob and Ray, to secure the following interview for the very moderate price of an iPad and the complete DVD's of "Girls Gone Wild."

By Geoffrey Dawson
Foreign Editor

KABUL, Afghanistan – Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with the well-spoken criminal who together with his family has plundered every last camel turd from the wretched disaster that is Afghanistan. The great malefactor shared his candid views on the future of his country and his overseas bank accounts in the following unedited interview:

 
Afghan President for Life Hamid Karzai says that he is a retired investor living on a pension

GD: Thank you for taking time from your busy schedule of dissembling and depredation to sit down with us.

HK: It is my pleasure. Thank you for your gift. How do they get those girls to lift up their shirts like that, my entourage wants to know?

GD:  I haven't a clue. What's your perspective on the progress of the war effort?

HK: I would say the war is going very well. Ten years ago I was a starving bandit wheedling bullets out of your CIA. Today I sit atop a vast pile of ill-gotten gains, most of it safely stashed in Swiss bank accounts.

GD: I was thinking more of the military effort.

HK: How should I know? Do I look like a general to you? By the way, is it true that the casinos in your Las Vegas will send a plane to pick you up if you agree to bet a million dollars?

GD: I believe so. Do you feel that your position has been undercut by the allegations of ballot fraud surrounding your recent re-election?

HK: Certainly not. I am very proud of our well-organized nationwide effort to steal that election. It proves that with a little hard work and relatives running the electoral commissions in key provinces, you can be successful.

GD: Are you concerned that the systematic plundering by your brother, Ahmed "Sonny" Karzai, the corrupt leader of the provincial assembly in Kandahar province, will make it difficult to restore your government's control over the province?

HK:  Sonny unpopular? He is very popular with me. I will show you the Maserati he had made for me with the hollowed-out door panels. In it you can drive from Kabul to Kandahar in 2 hours at 200 miles an hour, or you could if your Army would properly secure the road.

GD: Let's try another topic. What's your reaction to the collapse of the Kabul Bank due to the embezzlement of hundred of millions of bank assets by your relatives and political cronies?

HK: The President of the Bank is my brother Fredo and he has assured me that the bank is as sound as the dollar. Make that the $300 million we will need to pay off depositors.

 
President Karzai's executive assistant, Ms. Tiffani Pollizi, 19, of Ronkonkoma, NY, shown here in the Presidential Jacuzzi, says that her boss is very generous

GD:  Doesn't it disturb you to learn that Fredo and his henchmen looted millions from the bank to buy themselves multimillion dollar condos in Dubai?

HK:  Yes it is disturbing. Why didn't they buy apartments in Paris instead? Paris is so much nicer than Dubai. But Fredo, well, Fredo . . . 

GD: Isn't it true that you and your strongmen extort hundreds of millions of U.S. taxpayer dollars for so-called "security payments" so that truck convoys can deliver supplies to U.S. forces?

HK:  Afghanistan is a very insecure place. If those security guards were not paid I hesitate to think what might happen to the Army's beautiful convoys. It would be such a pity if someone forgot to check if a 10-ten bomb was planted under the road.

GD:  What about the stories that you have skimmed off millions of dollars in U.S. food assistance while your people starve?

HK:  That is a blatant lie.  I have not received a penny of U.S. food aid.

GD:  Then how do you explain the $25 million of food intended to feed your hungry citizens found in a warehouse owned by the "Karzai Olive Oil Importing Company?"

HK: That is a legitimate business. Afghans are very fond of cooking with olive oil.  It is naturally low in cholesterol, as you are undoubtedly aware.

GD:  Why did you fire your Attorney General just as he was about to bring corruption charges against your relatives?

HK:  Those charges were trumped up by my political adversaries.  As for Attorney General Pauli, you won't see him no more.

GD: Why should the United States continue to spend billions and lose the lives of its soldiers to prop up a regime as riddled with peculation as yours?

HK:  You would not want us to join the Taliban would you? They are no better than an undisciplined gang of fanatical thugs.

GD:  Are how is that different from your government of thieves?

HK:  As you can see from the Johnny Walker Blue I have poured for you, we are certainly not fanatics.

GD:  Do you have any final words to say to our readers to explain why you have deflected and defeated every U.S. effort to clean up the rampant crime and corruption of your regime?

HK: Yes. Let me explain. This is the business we have chosen to be in. Now my assistant Ms. Pollizi will escort you to my limousine. My driver will be glad to take you back to your hotel. Please sit in the front seat.