In [Surely, On? – Ed.] the one hand . . .

GOP Del. nominee
strokes her party

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

WILMINGTON, Delaware – The upset victory of Tea Party Palin clone and ex-skank Christine O'Donnell in the Delaware Senate primary has put the Republican base, both in the little phallus-shaped state and across the country, in a quandary.  

 
Will Republicans give it up for spunky nominee Christine O'Donnell?

On the one hand, Republicans love her feisty spirit and her fervid opposition to liberal Socialist doctrines like AIDS prevention and evolution. On the other hand, her fervent stand against a core Republican value has cooled GOP ardor faster than you can say "Real Housewives of DC."  

Not one day after her unexpected triumph over mainstream Republican Rep. Mike Castle (R – Clueless), Republicans were up in arms over a video featuring O'Donnell in her Geena Davis outfit inveighing against the favorite pastime of Republicans and their enablers from Karl Rove to Bill O'Reilly.

In the video, O'Donnell is seen urging today's teens not only to abstain from sexual intercourse but also from masturbation, on the theory that it both constitutes an expression of lust and also renders O'Donnell and her gender essentially superfluous. "If he can can please himself, then why am I in the picture?" she is seen asking in a mid-90's MTV clip, one assumes disingenuously.

Her, um, blistering attack on the favorite pastime of Republican bloggers and talking heads has already caused consternation. It was her extreme views on rocket polishing that led Karl Rove, whose plump pallor and unsuccessful pursuit of Bush Administration hottie Margaret Spellings mark him as a chronic oar-stroker, to declare that the spunky O'Donnell was unelectable.

Other Republican wankers were equally frustrated. Andrew Breitbart, whose many years of excessive onanism has rendered him unable to comprehend a full sentence of spoken English prose, has told his tens of on-line followers that he was "wiping his hands" of the comely candidate.

Aged sexual harasser Bill O'Reilly, whose past indulgence in drunken self-abuse led to attempted telephone sex with an unwilling subordinate, was likewise hot and bothered.  He said that he agreed with her on virtually all issues, but said that he could not agree with her "hands off" approach to personal gratification.  

Drug-addled insult comedian Rush Limbaugh, whose ability to pleasure himself is compromised by his inability to locate his roll of dimes within the vast expense of his flesh without the assistance of Daryn Kagan, invited O'Donnell to appear at his mansion. [Surely, on his show? – Ed.] so that she could help save him from his addiction to cold cream.  

But in many ways the most chapped by O'Donnell were the members of Washington's punditocracy whose propensity for self-indulgent pud pulling has contributed mightily to the flaccid position in which American journalism finds itself today.

David Broder, whose half-century addiction to the sin of Onan has resulted in a body of work of unmatched vapidity, cautioned that extremists like O'Donnell, with her belief in prayer as superior to health insurance and her efforts to convict Bill Clinton of the suicide of aide Vince Foster, and Obama, with his far-out view that government should not borrow $700 billion to finance a tax cut for the wealthiest 2% of its citizenry, are polluting political discourse in the United States.

But most current media tossers were content to keep their hands in their pockets and await the latest Tweet from that 21st century Publius, Schlox News Commentator Sarah Palin.  Soon enough their contented sighs could be heard in cubicles and basements from Takoma Park to Annandale because their, um, wish was gratified. 

In her latest pithy Tweet, O'Donnell doppelganger Sarah "Grandma" Palin was rock-hard in her support of the winsome deadbeat nominee, despite their disagreement over the pros and cons of rubbing one out. Indeed, just the thought of the two Republicans hotties standing arm in arm on a podium was enough to send most Republican males to the Kleenex box.   [That's enough – Ed.] 

Palin told the 8,000,000 tossers who follow her every Tweet: "F***, if Levi had been content with hand jobs, my 19-year-old daughter wouldn't be a mother today."