The Greatest One-Man Political Team in American Journalism^® explains the midterms to you, the simple reader:

"Democrats suffered worst
wipe-out since Noah's Ark"

Editors' Note: After last week's elections, the Democrats have lost control of one house of Congress. A normal mid-term correction exacerbated by the terrible unemployment caused by Bush's Great Recession, or something much worse? You could make up your own mind but long-time Spy readers know that our twelve-term Washington pundit, David Bloviator, bears the heavy burden of making it up for you. To find out what we should be thinking, we interviewed the Great Man at his mid-term election HQ, the National Press Club bar.

TMS: Mr. Bloviator, after careful analysis of the results of the mid-term elections and based on your over 60 years of experience as a nonpareil political seer, how do you assess what happened to the Democrats?

Only a few Democrats escaped the flood/deluge/tsunami/etc./etc. 

DB:  Assess what happened to this glass, son. Does it look empty to you?  Another double Chivas on your tab.   

TMS:  Here you go. Now do you have any metaphors or other tropes used to describe the election results?

DB:  Yes I do.  I can give you meteorological or sports, or both.  

TMS:  Let's start with the weather.  

DB:  It was a flood of biblical proportion.  It was a political earthquake registering 8.7 on the Richter scale.  Or a powerful tsunami that devastated all Democrats in its path.  That's my favorite because you get the flood and the earthquake together, you see. 

TMS:  But some threatened Democrats escaped, like Barbara Boxer in California and Deval Patrick in Massachusetts.    

DB:  They apparently were not in the path of the tsunami.  They were off to one side.  Or maybe they moved to higher ground.  Either is possible.
 
TMS:  Let's turn to sports for a moment. 

DB:  The Democrats were sent to the canvas. The Republicans opened up a 55 gallon barrel of whoop-ass and left the Democrats dazed and bleeding.  The Democrats were caught in the GOP's sleeper hold. The Democrats were hit over the head with a folding chair. The Democrats were tag-teamed and kicked in the – 

TMS:  It's interesting you use metaphors from cheesy fixed wrestling matches, inasmuch as their proprietor lost her race in Connecticut.  

DB:  And your point is?  

Whether you prefer weather, sports, or wrestling tropes, the Spy's David Bloviator is your man.
 

TMS:  I think we've got the tropes.  

DB:  I've also got military metaphors. The Democrats were routed.  They were crushed on the field of political battle.  They were overwhelmed.  They were outgeneraled and outfought. They –

TMS:  Enough with the metaphors, for the love of God.  Let me ask you: What role did Barack Obama play in the Democrats' losses? 

DB:  A central role.

TBS:  What does he bear?

DB:  He bears a large portion of the responsibility.  

TMS:  Why? 

DB:  He didn't get it.

TMS:  What's it?

DB:  It.  What the American people were looking for.

TMS:  Which is what?

DB:  Dammit, man.  Why do I have to keep repeating myself?  It.

TMS:  What should he have done?

DB: He should have whipped it out.

TMS:  Say what?

DB:  People wanted to know that the President had it.  They wanted to see it, feel it, –

TMS:  I think we should move along. How would you assess the Democrats' future?

DB:  It is bleak. They are in the political wilderness.  They have a long road ahead.

TMS:  It's interesting that two year ago you said of the Republicans that their future was bleak and they could quote expect to spend a generation or more in the political wilderness unquote.

DB:  Two years is an eternity in politics.  Don't you know that? Another double Chivas, rocks, you young cur.

TMS:  What must the Democrats do?

DB:  They must move to the center.  They must reach out.   They must compromise.

TMS:  What must the Republicans do?

DB:  They don't have to do a damn thing.  They won the election.

TMS:  So the party that controls the White House and the Senate has to compromise and the party that controls the House can stand firm in its desire to repeal Social Security and Medicare and borrow money from our children to pay for tax cuts for the rich?

DB:  Yes, the two parties much search out.

TMS:  Search out what?

DB:  Common ground.

TMS:  How can they do that when one party has already said it will make no compromises over the next two years?

DB:  The Democrats must not listen to the extremists.

TMS:  You mean the extremists who think that access to health care shouldn't depend on how rich you are or whether you've lost your job?

DB:  The electorate has repudiated big government solutions.

TMS:  Like Social Security, Medicare, and the VA national single-provider health system? The polls I saw showed an even split on the President's health care reform package and a majority against extending Bush's tax cuts for the rich.

DB:  The people have spoken.

TMS:  So what do you make of the turnout data that showed that had Democrats turned out in the same proportion they had in 2008 the results would have been different?

DB:  Well, those people didn't speak, obviously.

TMS:  What effect did the torrent of anonymously-funded negative advertising have on the political process?

DB:  This was democracy in action. As I said in my address last week to the Billionaires' Freedom Forum, "Freedom of speech belongs to anyone who can afford to pay for it."

TMS:  Stirring words.

DB:  And worth every penny of the $10,000 they paid to hear it.

TMS:  Thank you, Mr. Bloviator.