LEAKED US CABLES
SHOCK THE WORLD

By Henry Cabot Lodge
Diplomatic Editor with Ann Colt .45 at
the Mall of Iowa in Des Moines

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The shock waves caused by the publication of over 250,000 classified State Department cables continue to be felt here in Our Nation's Capital and around the world.  

The cables, which include the often-candid assessments of U.S. diplomats on the foreign dignitaries they are supposed to be reporting on, have changed the way the world is looking at the United States.

In leaked secret U.S. diplomatic cables, a political officer reported that virtually everyone in Britain refers to their new Prime Minister as a "tosser" and helpfully goes on to explain that the term is a reference to what the FSO delicately adumbrated as "the sin of Onan."

The international community has apparently taken in stride candid State Department assessments of world leaders like Vladimir Putin ("typical KGB asshole"), tottering North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il ("two chicken wings short of a pu-pu platter"), German Chancellorin Angela Merkel ("another Hun stiff"), and mercurial Afghan President Hamid Karzai ("he's got more junk in his bloodstream than Rush Limbaugh"). 

What has tongues wagging from Berlin to Beijing, though, was the one truly unexpected revelation contained in the mass of leaked cables: "I thought all Americans were illiterate idiots. That's all you see on television," said Wei Ohn-Yu, a senior member of the Central Committee of the People's Republic of China.

"But these diplomats can write 1,000 words of lucid prose and not only that they appear to have paid attention to whomever they were dealing with," Ohn-Yu said. "I had no idea that Americans ever listened to anyone."

On the Quai d'Orsay, senior officials of the French Foreign Ministry took a break from their full-time effort to buy up all copies of the early cinematic work of their First Lady and Johnny "the Wadd" Holmes to light up a Gauloise and express their surprise over the content of the American cables.

"Really, what you see is the work of highly-trained and dedicated professionals who are not only representing their country with enormous skill and subtlety, but are also conveying the facts on the ground to their government. Perhaps not all Americans are as stupid and ignorant as your new Senators and Congressmen," said Minister Jean Givin.

The shock and surprise in Washington was if anything even more profound. Sen. Jim DeMint, interrupting his own press conference at which he advocated a military firing squad for anyone publishing, reading, or thinking about classified information, said: "Great balls of fire! We spent all those years f***ing over the State Department and humiliating the Foreign Service, and still they have all these smart people working their. I'll have to fix that."

The leaked cables revealed the U.S. State Department assessment of key U.S. ally Hamid Karzai as "so corrupt, he'd sell his mother for a kilo of raw opium."  [Of course, you read that first in the Spy!]

Climate change fabulist Sen. Jim Imhofe expressed another serious concern arising out of the leaked cables. "If we allow our Foreign Service Officers to write candid, factual cables, someday some smart-ass Kenyan terrorist will propose that Senators like us stop makin' s*** up, and that would be the end of the United States as we know it."

But most Republicans withheld comment, awaiting the official word from their spiritual leader. Tweaking [surely, Tweeting? – Ed.] backstage at a book signing held today at the Mall of Iowa, reports Ann Colt. 45 in Des Moines, Sarah "Grandma" Palin put down three or four of her children and grandchildren to tell adoring scores of fans: "This just shows the danger to this country that we love but liberals like Katie Couric hate when you have a bunch of big word using elitists just partying it up in fancy Embassies with four or five bathrooms each and floors and such and it's just so dangerous which is why we have to stand up for what's best in our country like all you good people waiting three hours in the cold and paying $22.95 to read my new book thing and tell Barack Hussein Kenya or whatever his name is that he needs to cut taxes on rich people and stand by our good North Korean allies and not let this Federal Reserve money conspiracy destroy – [That's really enough Sarah – Ed. ]