What could be more inspiring than the oft-told tale of the rise to wealth and fame of a young dolt of modest background who is willing to faithfully serve the interests of the rich and powerful? Clarence Thomas, Sam Alito, Newt Gingrich . . . the list goes on and on.

And with tuition bills to pay and two daughters to pimp out (as he did on election night), it's no surprise that Massachusetts' surprise Senator chooses to join that, um, distinguished company.

We're sure this book is full of inspiring moral tales of how hard work and chiseled pecs can pay off, whether on Chatsworth movie sets or in an off-year election during the worst depression in anyone's living memory.

No doubt the book will seek to burnish Brown's reputation as a nice guy.  We can think of many terms to describe this long-time pol, but we would not choose someone who wants to deny 46 million Americans health insurance and borrow a trillion dollars from our children to pay for tax cuts for the rich he has so assiduously served to be the centerfold in our copy of Nice Guy magazine.

Reigning 2010 Spy Douchebag of the Year Glenn Beck closes out his term with a reminder of why he so richly merited the title we bestowed upon him. Having mined to exhaustion the wallets of the 5 million or so credulous crackpots he raves to every night, he's now trying to reinvent himself once again as a mainstream touchy-feely self-help guru.

So many insufferable personalities contained in just one chubby guy.

We don't know what wonders will change our lives or yours, but we have a pretty good idea of the seven wonders that have transformed a busto manic-depressive standup comic into a wealthy cultural phenomenon and cult leader: (1) lithium, (2) electro-shock treatment, (3) Rupert Murdoch, (4) rich reactionaries, (5) racism, (6) gold coin peddlers, and (7) the paranoid style of American politics.

Wanna bet an overpriced gold doubloon that those aren't the seven wheezes peddled by Beck and Ablow for $12.88?

In this sensitive, evocative coming-of-age tale, Nicole Polizzi demonstrates that her literary gifts are not limited to the composition of anonymous notes.

The novel, based loosely on Jane Austen's classic Pride and Prejudice, tells the story of a plucky young girl from Poughkeepsieshire who seeks fame and fortune as she cartwheels through a dazzling series of gala balls, salons (tanning and otherwise), and drunken bitch-fights.

Ms. Polizzi's heroin [Surely, heroine? – Ed.], Carrie "Skanki" Spirocheti, must choose among several potential suitors, all of whom claim to be the "gorilla juicehead" of her dreams before she collapses in a pool of her own vomit.

To her chagrin, she finds that behind the steroids not all of her swains are what they appear to be. Some of them are hiding terrible secrets, such as years of sobriety or a high-school diploma. But only one, or perhaps six, can be Mr. Goombah, and he's not willing to part with a lucrative Zostrex-endorsement deal without knowing what's really in Skanki's blood tests [Surely, heart? – Ed.].