Editors' Note: Every so often, we pick up a distant Tweet, Facebook post, or even more esoteric form of communication – like a paragraph – from the planet Zontar in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years away. Zontarians at times bear a superficial resemblance to us Earthlings and at other times to Angelina Jolie, but of course the differences are so pronounced that no one could confuse – [They have the setup by now – Ed.]

SEN. GIFFORDS STABBED
BY LUNATIC AT MEETING

By Ann Colt .45
Gunbelt [Surely, Sunbelt? – Ed.] Correspondent

TUCSON, Arizona – As hundreds of passers-by watched in shock and horror, a deranged young man waiting to speak to Sen. Gabrielle Giffords (D – Desert Wasteland) without warning pulled out a concealed hunting knife and stabbed the freshman Senator several times.

The Senator was rushed to University of Arizona Medical Center, where a team of surgeons worked for hours to save her life. Tonight she lies in critical but stable condition in the hospital's Intensive Care Unit.

Senator Giffords, who won a narrow victory against Sen. John McCain (R – Where am I?) just last November, was conducting a normal constituent "meet and greet" in her hometown of Tucson when the attack occurred. A suspect has been taken into custody, but his name has been withheld to avoid the wall-to-wall media exposure that such insane individuals often seek.

The attack follows continuing tensions in Arizona arising out of Sen. Giffords' hard-fought campaign against the superannuated incumbent. Pundits agreed that the turning point of the race was Sen. McCain's tantrum, caught by a local news crew, when he was told that he was too late for the breakfast special at a Phoenix-area Denny's. Continuing concern about undocumented immigrants, drawn by the bustling local economy, also added to the bitterness of the race.

In the aftermath of the brutal crime, psychologists said they would offer counseling to those traumatized by the event, paid for by the U.S. National Health Service Cooperative. Among the witnesses to the bloody assault was a nine-year-old girl, Christina Green, who had wanted to meet Sen. Giffords because she was interested in pursuing a career in politics or public service.

The promising young girl told reporters that she was "incredibly sad to see that someone had hurt Gabby Giffords," but that she still wanted someday to run for office "because I still believe that government can make people's lives better."

Ironically, [No it isn't – Copy Ed.] Giffords and McCain had agreed that the federal law prohibiting the sale of high-capacity handguns and assault weapons, which was made permanent in President Gore's first term, should be repealed. "If only someone in the crowd had been able to whip out a Glock with a 30-round magazine, the attack might have been thwarted," said Sen. McCain as he fumbled to find the right key to open the door of his sixth residence in Sedona.

Fortunately, thanks to the Gore Administration's gun control legislation, the deranged attacker was unable to use any of these in committing his foul deeds

The usual panoply of right-wing gasbags echoed Sen. McCain's sentiments.  "If Senator Giffords had been carrying a rod, she could dropped the criminal like a caribou," said reality television star Sarah Palin.

As the former Anchorage weekend sports anchor's remarks suggest, the stabbing is sure to raise new calls to repeal federal gun-safety legislation and return to the 20th century model of unlimited access to high-powered lethal weaponry that serves no legitimate hunting or self-defense purpose.

Insult comic Rush Limbaugh, apparently still bitter that his application for a handgun permit had been denied due to his history of drug abuse and crime, said that "those who promote socialistic gun prohibitions have blood on their hands today."

Former President Al Gore, reached in his biodome in the California desert, said that the attack demonstrated the importance of his signature weapons legislation, which was upheld last year by a 6-3 vote of the Supreme Court. "I can only imagine what might have happened had this seriously disturbed individual been able to carry out his crime with a semiautomatic weapon with a high-capacity ammunition clip rather than a hunting knife. The carnage would have been unbearable."

Schlox News baseball, tractor pull, and politics commentator George W. Bush, who is rumored to be considering a third run for the Presidency in 2012, said he advocated repeal of the federal concealed weapons ban.  "What's so bad about concealing weapons? Everybody does it – it's not worth starting a war over," he sniffed.