Profiles in Empathy

Sen. Brown reflects on what he
learned from his childhood ordeal 

By Alvin T. Fuller
State House Bureau Chief with Bella Whiner
in Old Sludgebury

It was a thoughtful and subdued Scott Brown who faced the TV cameras last week reflecting on what he earned [Surely, learned? – Ed.] from the revelations he inserted into his recently-published autobiography, [No free plugs from us – Ad. Mgr.][But you can read the Spy's review here – Book Review Ed.] about his tormented childhood.

Opening up a previously-closed chapter in his life story, Sen. Brown candidly described his sufferings at the hands of an abusive stepfather and a perverted camp counselor.  The generally sympathetic public reaction and general popularity of the regular-guy pinup turned Republican pol led Sen. Brown to open up even more in an exclusive interview with the Spy.

Sen. Brown admitted that the experience of being abused as a child at the hands of  authority figures was crucial in forming his political philosophy. "I had to learn at an early age that poor, weak children didn't stand a chance against powerful, domineering adults. In fact, that's what the abusers said to me. They said: 'No one will believe you because you don't have any money or power.' I never forgot that."

"That's when I realized the most important thing in the world: unless you align yourself with rich and powerful, you don't have s***," Sen. Brown said.  "That's why I've devoted my entire career toward helping those with money and power and f*****g over the poor, the weak, and the helpless."

"And look how well it's worked.  Do you think I'd be a Senator with a $7 million war chest and royalties up the ying-yang if I had spent even one moment trying to aid those who have been exploited by others or who suffer through no fault of their own? No f*****n' way!"

The truck thing was getting old anyway

After pausing briefly to wipe away a tear with a $1 million check from Koch Industries, Sen. Brown pulled himself together and explained: "That's why I've consistently opposed efforts to ease the plight of the wretched of the earth. I tell you I really enjoyed voting against the bill to guarantee their right to health care. I've got gold-plated health insurance for life. No one can touch me. They can touch my daughters, though – just kidding!"

Sen. Brown said he expected to continue to apply the lessons he learned from his miserable childhood throughout his poiltical career.  "I'm looking forward to supporting the House Republicans' cruel budget cuts when they get to the Senate. I have a sense of what it would be like to be a teenage girl impregnated as a result of rape or incest and that's why I want to deny such vulnerable youths the right to an abortion, or even access to treatments to cure the sexually-transmitted diseases she may have contracted as aresult of her abuse. If one of my daughters gets knocked up, I can pay for it. Those who can't should just suffer in silence, like I had to."

The Senator said one reason he feels so at home in Washington is that the city is full of Republicans who share his views: "Look at Clarence Thomas. Look at John Boehner. Look at Sam Alito. They all suffered as children due to their poverty and unstable family lives. Now they can't wait to f*** the poor, just like me."

Local reaction in Old Sludgebury to the Senator's shocking revelations was generally supportive, reports Bella Whiner in Old Sludgebury.  Mrs. Kathleen T. Burke said that "he seems like such a nice young man. And I do like his friend Vanna White who helps him turn the letters."

Her cousin, Mrs. Louise Day Burke, said she didn't follow politics closely but that it was a shame that the two colored men had taken away Senator Brown's truck. [This didn't happen – Ed.].  

Other area residents seemed somewhat better-informed about politics. "I like the way Scott Brown thinks. You want money, you take it.  You want power, just f*** anyone who stands in your way," said an elderly gentleman who gave his name only as "Whitey."