Civilized world:"Enough is enough" 

NATIONS TO IMPOSE
WIDE "NO-LIE ZONE" 

By Geoffrey Dawson
Diplomatic Correspondent 

GENEVA,  Switzerland – Citing "unprecedented threats to international security and the well-being of the entire Earth," over 100 nations meeting here at UN summer headquarters have called for the establishment and enforcement of a "no-lie" zone.

World leaders have agreed on boundaries of the no-lie zone.   

While the precise outlines of the zone are still under negotiation, sources close to the talks tell the Spy it would likely stretch over large portions of the United States, including New York, Washington, D. C., Texas, Wisconsin, and Florida, from whence according to the negotiators over 80% of life- threatening lies emanate.  Originally Alaska was to be included in the zone, but further research revealed that Alaska's principal source of lies rarely if ever sets foot in the state.

World leaders insist that the the purposes of the no-lie zone is not to overthrow the reactionary plutocracy responsible for the whoppers. "Rather, our sole interest is protecting our civilians from the life-threatening effects of the repeated barrages of lies emanating from the U.S. no-lie zone," said Danish Prime Minister Maatjes Herring. [Really? – Copy Desk]

"Just to take one example," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, "the bald-faced lie that there is no such thing as global warming will harm millions around the world, due to climate changes and increases in ocean levels arising from melting polar icecaps. We have to protect helpless civilian populations from the ravages that are caused by these lies."

Mexican President Felipe Calderon cited the lie that allowing any lunatic free access to high powered weapons with massive ammo clips has nothing to do with high rates of firearm violence. "In my country alone, hundreds if not thousands have died form this lie, which permits Mexicans criminals to cross the U.S. border and buy unlimited quantities of assault weapons no questions asked," he said.

Privately, world leaders fear that lies claiming that U.S. President Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen or that health care reform would cause the government to euthanize special needs children could lead to the election of a Republican U.S. President in 2012. "The last time that happened," noted French President Nicolas Sarkozy, "thousands of innocent civilians in Iraq lost their lives for no reason at all. We owe it to the people of the world to protect them from such future catastrophes."

Still remaining to be decided is how the no-lie zone will be enforced. World leaders have ruled out military action as counterproductive. Instead, they are considering carefully targeted sanctions that would "tighten the noose" around the most notorious liars in the zone.

Cutting off exports of loofahs to New York, especially provocatively-shaped ones like this, are a key tool in enforcing the no-lie zone. 

"For example," Calderon said, "we plan to embargo all exports of narcotic drugs headed to Florida and of loofahs to New York.  That way, two of the greatest lying threats will feel the full impact of the no-lie zone."

Calderon said if such limited sanctions failed to enforce the no-lie zone, he would consider banning all travel by Mexican nationals seeking employment in Arizona and Texas as pool cleaners or landscapers. "Summer is coming to the desert southwest, and a few months of clogged pool filters and dusty dead lawns should bring liars in both those states to their knees," he said.

Reaction in the no-lie zone varied. Cable TV personality Sarah "Grandma" Palin said that she would not be prevented from lying by a "bunch of foreigners I never heard of," and that she could replace her Mexican yard workers with undocumented aliens from "South Mexico."

On the other hand, drug-addled insult comedian Rush Limbaugh appeared to become unhinged at the news of the global effort. In a rambling video address shot in his secret radio bunker, the obviously agitated voluptuary held a triple cheeseburger in one hand and a large pill bottle in the other, claiming that despite the international embargo he was "still winning and duh – tripping."

Former Nixon flack and Schlox News supremo Roger Ailes sounded confident when he told his fellow liars at the New York Post that he didn't care what those "f*****n' f*****ts" did, but some Schlox executives fear that the no-lie zone could be enforced by blocking Rupert Murdoch's pending effort to take over all British media. However, sources close to Murdoch say that his henchmen have been in touch with British Prime Minister David Cameron and reminded Cameron who Vegemites his bread, mate. 

Perhaps the most surprised target of the no-lie zone was demented Jew hater Glenn Beck who told his fellow whack jobs that he had been lying about a global conspiracy to silence him for years "and now it turns out to be true."