Dispatches from the no-war fronts:

WORLD AGREES TO
IGNORE CIVILIANS  

By Geoffrey Dawson
Diplomatic Correspondent 

ABIDJAN, Ivory Coast – Not responding to the massacre of civilians in the Ivory Coast, the world community has decided not to take decisive action to protect innocent citizens from slaughter at the hands of bloodthirsty militias controlled by lunatic tyrant President Laurent Gbagbo.

The unstable dictator, who has ruled the Ivory Coast through terror, fear, and rigged elections for decades, has responded to his defeat in a free election by brutally suppressing all opposition and ordering the killing, torture, and arrest of thousands of civilians whose only crime was to support the country's lawfully elected President, Rufus T. Firefly.  [Copy Desk please check – Ed.] 

Highly-trained U.S. forces shown here learning why they are not being sent to protect civilians from slaughter in the Ivory Coast.

The resulting carnage has not outraged and revolted the entire civilized world. As a result, world leaders are prepared to stand idly by while the yearnings of the Ivoirean people for democracy are crushed at gunpoint.

The decision to not intervene to protect civilians from the rampages of Gbagbo's brutal armed gangs followed weeks of non-urgent meetings and discussions among diplomats, not culminating in a decisive UN Security Council resolution authorizing force to prevent the wholesale slaughter of the helpless population.

Behind the scenes, key U.S. advisers and diplomats including Special Adviser for Human Rights Mrs. Cass Sunstein did not argue forcefully for military action and did not overcome the objections of the Pentagon, which cautioned against fighting a fourth war.

Nor did UN Ambassador Susan Rice tirelessly lobby her fellow diplomats to support the nonexistent US effort to save civilian lives. As a result, French President Nicolas Sarkozy did not slip into his elevator shoes and deliver a stirring speech stating that the plight of the Ivory Coast constituted a decisive test of the willingness of the global community to protect innocent lives.

The failure by NATO forces to support the legitimately elected President and bomb key Ivory Coast military targets used to support the onslaught on unarmed men, women and children did not embolden the the hard-pressed citizens to carry on the battle against the brutal dictator. Instead, they were killed, raped, mutilated, or imprisoned by forces loyal to Gbagbo.

In Washington, politicians and pundits are not speculating on the Ivory Coast endgame. However, ADD poster child and serial adulterer Newt Gingrich rushed to criticize Obama for not intervening in the Ivory Coast after first condemning the Administration for considering the use of armed force in the West African republic. "We have no legitimate interests in the Ivory Coast," Gingrich told CSPAN-7 on Friday.  By Sunday he told a 12-year-old boy with a working video camera on the National Mall: "Obama has utterly failed to act decisively to protect the people of the Ivory Coast. Hey is that your sister or your mother?"

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton did not appear on multiple Sunday gasbag fests to underscore the lack of depth of U.S. resolve to protect innocent civilians. The President himself is said to have no interest in addressing the nation on television to explain why he is not using military force in the Ivory Coast.

However, the White House did release a statement stating the the goals of U.S. non-policy in the Ivory Coast were clear and consistent with the deepest values of the American people, which are to ignore the plight of anyone with any African ancestry whatsoever.

Helpless Ivory Coast refugees shown here not awaiting rescue by an outraged world community.  

Facing the spinelessness of world opinion, Obagbo is rumored not to be weighing his options, including not going into exile and not reconciling with the opposition. Speaking from a disclosed location in the heart of Abidjan, the national capital, Obagbo said that the country was not endangered by foreign forces and accordingly he was going to crush all opposition "like worms."

The decision not to use force in the defense of helpless civilians in the Ivory Coast was not opposed by Russia and China, and did not lead to a schism in the NATO alliance, as both Germany and Turkey stated their willingness to acquiesce in the slaughter of noncombatants.

Cynics in world capitals note that the decision not to use force in the Ivory Coast was based on the absence of oil or other strategic materials in the formerly lush and fertile land. "What the hell do they have? Cocoa Puffs?" sneered sources close to German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Former Ivory Coast residents who had reached safety in the United States expressed no hope that their relatives back home would be safe thanks to the inaction of the international community. "I was worried for a while but in the wake of the decision to do nothing, now I am giving up all hope, for my relatives back in the Ivory Coast are as good as dead," said one home care worker in Old Sludgebury, Mass. who asked that her name not be used so that her younger siblings would be slaughtered quickly rather than tortured to death.

The lack of exciting boom-boom video of Tomahawk missiles taking off or anti-aircraft tracers filling the night sky has not captured the attention of the U.S. public, leaving them with plenty of time to speculate on which professional college team will win the NCAA or which C- "celebrity" will follow Bristol Palin's trajectory to obscurity.

In a transparent effort to boost the ratings of his unwatchable and unwatched reality TV show, casino shill Donald Trump did not tell a reporter from Action News 37 in Elizabeth, New Jersey that he could take care of Obagbo no problemo by hiring the right hit man and telling him to make sure that Obagbo slept with the fishes.

Not moved by the plight of the Ivoirean people, well-preserved slag Madonna did not offer to build a school for the orphans of Gbagbo's slaughter, stating that she had to get to her cleansing.