It looks like his show's
been canceled
Celebrity
Trainwreck
Derails
on Tour By
Alvin T. Fuller
New England Correspondent CLAREMONT, N.H. – After
months of increasingly erratic, if not bizarre behavior,
a major TV star has gone off the rails on his nationwide tour. Billed as the "Violent
Combover of Death Truth is Not an Option" tour, the spectacle
combined elements of performance art with old-fashioned baggy-pants
vaudeville. But
after garnering pretty good reviews in unsophisticated markets
like New York and Washington, reality TV star and overleveraged condo
shill Donald Trump has crashed and burned in a serious of increasingly
incoherent appearances on a disastrous tour of New Hampshire. Trump, desperate to goose
the ratings of his pisspoor reality show, [No free plugs from us
– Ed.], had taken his show on the road, on
the outlandish premise that he was "running for President." Although the idea of a
ignorant boor actually attaining supreme political office was initially
dismissed as a transparent reality stunt, Trump's rambling grandiose
monologues had garnered many hours of cable TV coverage and reasonably
strong box office. Whether
the crowds were attracted by the comic promise of a Trump "Presidential
campaign" or simply the chance to stare at the political equivalent of
an eight-car pile-up, the orange-faced clown had attracted
considerable public attention, if not sympathy. However, in the aftermath of
his increasingly crazed outbursts questioning the President's place of
birth (Hawaii) and educational record (President of the Harvard Law Review),
the public may be tiring of Trump's ever more unhinged rants. Matters
came to a head at a rally yesterday in Claremont, New Hampshire, a
perpetually depressed mill town along the Connecticut River. Although
Trump was at first greeted warmly, his torrent of
anti-Obama insults
soon gave rise to a chorus of boos. When
Trump then boasted about his brilliant financial successes such as his
bankrupt casinos, his bankrupt airline, his defunct university, and his
unwatchable TV show, the crowd began to turn ugly, pelting the jowly
tangerine-tinged entertainer with pet food kibbles, which one heckler
said
could be used to feed "that thing on your head." The
aged sideshow attraction responded with a cluster of f-bombs and
insults directed
at the audience, whom he said were too poor and germ-ridden to set foot
on any property that he had sold his name to. Observers
were left shaking their heads, wondering how a show business
professional like Trump could have decompensated so rapidly.
Some
speculated that drugs were to blame, such as the copper-based body
paint Trump invariably wears or the
industrial-strength hair gel he applies by the pound to his glued-down
combover. Others
speculate that Trump is
simply unaware that he is perceived by the public as an increasingly
pathetic joke. Back on his bronzed campaign bus, he was asked
by
the lone reporter aboard, a stringer for a radio station in Fitchburg,
Mass.,
what he thought he was doing on his national tour. Trump flashed his trademark
grimace and said only: "Duh, winning."
|  | 
Obama
Administration officials point out that when you do it, you don't need
a banner saying it
Team Obama
Warns the
GOP By
David Bloviator
Political Editor
WASHINGTON,
D.C. – Flushed with pride over the greatest military
success
achieved by U.S. forces since the end of the Second World War, Obama
Administration officials intend to use the decapitation of al-Qaeda as
a weapon to recast American politics and put the Republicans on the
defensive throughout the upcoming election season. "The
choice
the American electorate will face in 2012 is clear: Will you
stand with the Commander-in-Chief in his defense of America and
American values, or will you defect to a party that has stood for
nothing besides weakness and defeat for decades?" said Obama campaign
supremo David Plouffe. While Administration
officials were
quick to point out they were not questioning the patriotism of Obama's
Republican critics, they plan to ask them why they are so relentless in
attacking the greatest wartime Commander-in-Chief since Franklin
Roosevelt. "The war on terror isn't over, despite the
brilliant,
courageous, inspired, and focused leadership of our President. That's
why it behooves all Americans to be careful what they
say
about the President in a time of war," said White House Press
secretary Jay Carney. Administration officials insist
there is
nothing unfair in contrasting the success of President Obama in taking
down the world's most feared terrorist and the architect of the worst
attack on American soil ever with the ineffectual stumbling of past
Republicans. "This President didn't prance around in
a flight
suit while dragging us into a war that actually hindered the effort
against al-Qaeda, and he didn't send unarmed U.S. forces into a
terrorist hotbed without sufficient protection or a clear mission,"
said Plouffe, drawing a contrast between President Obama's masterstroke
in
Pakistan and the Iraqi and Lebanon debacles hatched by Presidents Bush
and Reagan, respectively. Carney also told the Spy
privately that he expects to speak out when the White House believes
that certain media outlets, especially those owned by aliens, are in
the White House's view damaging the continued fight against al-Qaeda by
smearing the President and confusing the public. "We believe
in a
free and robust public debate, but wartime is not the time for partisan
extremism masquerading as 'fair and balanced' news," Carney said. "I
certainly hope that no man or woman in uniform loses their lives
because our enemies doubted the resolve of the United States as a
result of watching disloyal propaganda designed to undercut the
authority of the President on so-called 'News Channels,'" he added. White
House officials plan to spend some of Obama's political capital on
initiatives that have languished since last November's elections.
In particular, they will move ahead with plans to close the
Guantanamo Bay prison complex, arguing that second-guessing the
Commander -in-Chief on a national security matter could place the lives
of innocent Americans at risk. They also
intend to introduce legislation to created a public health insurance
option they plan to call the
Anti-Terrorist Option, on the theory that healthier Americans will be
better able to protect the homeland. "If those Navy SEALs
had
not had government-provided single-payer health care," one
highly-placed official said, "how could we be sure that they would be
able to complete their mission and take out bin Laden?" |
