Lessons for Beginners:

O'CONNOR BEMOANS
OUR CIVIC IGNORANCE

By Scott V. Sandiford
Justice Correspondent

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. – Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has announced a nationwide campaign to cure what she sees as a "shocking" lack of public knowledge about how the U.S. Government actually works.

O'Connor, best remembered as the casting vote in the 2000 Supreme Court decision that installed the loser of the Presidential election in the White House, has in retirement taken up a new cause: helping educate the great unwashed American masses about how their political system actually works.

Trousering, or perhaps skirting, $100,000 for a few after-dinner remarks at a Koch Brothers shakedown held at the billion-dollar Phoenician resort in her native Phoenix, O'Connor scandalized the assembled plutocrats with graphic examples of the ignorance of the electorate.

Presidential race decider Sandra Day O'Connor bemoaned the lack of public knowledge of the workings of our democracy at a recent dinner organized by the Average Patriotic Joes for America, a Koch brothers political slush fund

"Three out of four Americans believe that the President is elected by majority vote. Can you believe it?" she asked, pre- sumably rhetorically. "Fewer than 5% correctly understand the law of the land as handed down by the Supreme Court. For example, the public is not aware that the results of any Presidential election are subject to review and revision by the Supreme Court in its wisdom."

She reminded the audience of the well-established benefits of that Constitutional principle, including trillions of dollars in tax cuts for those gulping down Mont- rachet at her feet, as well as hundreds of thousands of deaths and casualties caused by unnecessary wars started by the Supreme Court's chosen one.

"Further, few understand that American elections are decided not on the basis of votes, but on the basis of money, often untraceable and unaccountable, used to bamboozle the public with baseless smears and outright whoppers. Fortunately, I know that all of you in this ballroom tonight are well aware of how our system actually works," she said.  

"But that is not all. Over 55% of Americans believe that legislation is passed by majority vote of duly elected Senators and Representatives. I mean, really," she said, pausing for a wave of knowing chuckles to ripple through the assemblage, each of whom had paid, or ordered the corporations they ran to pay, $10,000 per plate."

A clear majority also believes that under the Constitution all revenue bills begin in the House. As you know, this is plainly false. All revenue bills must be approved in advance by Grover Norquist on behalf of our gracious hosts, the Koch brothers. Lucky for us!"

She cautioned that the picture was not entirely bleak: "Twenty years ago, most Americans thought that asphyxiating helpless prisoners by forcing water down their breathing passages constituted torture and approved the war crimes conviction of Japanese officers who carried out such activities. But thanks to a massive public outreach campaign by the Administration I elected, a large majority of Americans now understands that such 'waterboarding' is just fine as long as it is practiced by the United States on Muslims."

She called for a massive campaign to educate Americans as to their responsibilities under the American system of government to be financed by her audience, who seemed more than happy to spread the word. "I hope that with your help, all Americans can understand that the purpose of their government is to increase the wealth and power of each of you here tonight," she said.

O'Connor said she would embark on a nationwide tour to cure the plague of public ignorance of the workings of our democracy, financed by a grant from a "tax-exempt" foundation that generated huge tax breaks for the Kochs. She said that to appeal to a younger audience, she would be joined by others.

"I will be speaking about the need to educate our young people about government. I will be joined on my tour by Bristol Palin, who will speak about the importance of chastity, and by Charlie Sheen, who will teach the young people about the dangers of drug abuse."

She also said that as part of the tour's educational mission, each speaker would be introduced by someone who will stress the vital importance of learning as much as possible about the world: Snooki Pollizzi.

Editors' Note: Don't believe us?  For more on O'Connor's wailing about our stunning lack of civic knowledge, click here.