Shill Sez: Yaz, Lonborg to Take Sox All the Way
  

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Volume CXCVIII    May 25, 1968     Worcester, Mass.     Price 25 Cents

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Down and Dirty . . .

'Hippies' promote peace, Love, and priestly rape

Free love and child rape by priests were in the air at yesterday's love-in.

World News Rounded Up:
Brief dispatches from our news partners 

Nixon to keep Vietnam
peace plan secret

WHITTIER, Cal. – Likely Republican Presidential nominee Richard M. Nixon will not reveal his secret plan to end the Vietnam War with honor, says his mouthpiece Roger Ailes.

"According to our foreign policy expert, Prof. Henry Kissinger, revealing the plan could doom it to failure. In other words, you can't report, and we'll decide," Ailes said.  (LA Herald Examiner) 

Hoover blames civil rights strife on Red agitators

NEW YORK, N.Y.  – FBI Director for Life J. Edgar Hoover interrupted a "fact-finding" tour of Fashion Week in New York to blast what he called "Red agitators" for inciting Negro violence following the assassination of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Wearing a fetching green silk cocktail-length dress, Hoover said he would cooperate with Gen. Hershey in his efforts to get Negro troublemakers off the streets and into the jungles of Vietnam, "where they belong." (Newark Evening News)

Westmoreland says Viet Cong close to collapse

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Crisply-attired Gen. William Westmoreland, in Washington to brief his two superiors – President Johnson and Sen. John Stennis – on the progress of the war effort, told an audience of subordinates that "the light at the end of the tunnel in Vietnam is so bright, I have to wear shades, or, more particularly, the manly gold rimmed aviator glasses worn by my role model, Douglas MacArthur.

Gen. Westmoreland said the 834 Americans killed or missing in action in the month of April was proof that his strategy was working. "We can replace our military losses, but the VC can't," he said.

In a related story, despite the critical shortage of trained pilots, Gen. Westmoreland was told by Lt. George W. Bush, spokesman for the Texas Air National Guard, that the Texas ANG was not available for service overseas.

"Except maybe Colombia, heh-heh," the twitchy Texan said. (Washington Star)

By Tom Ellis
City Staff

OLD SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – Hundreds of hairy, unwashed, smelly "hippies" held a so-called "love-in" yesterday on the muddy banks of the Sludge River at the foot of Main Street under the William O'Connell Bridge.

Amidst clouds of marijuana smoke, speaker after speaker exhorted the virtues of peace, free love, and priestly abuse of underage altar boys.

"When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars, that's the time for priestly to drop their cassocks and sodomize the flower of our Catholic youth," sang a guitar-playing Fr. Paul Shanley, youth reach-in [Surely, outreach? – Ed.] pastor at Our Father Reamer of Christians Church here.

"We absolutely reject bourgeois notions of age of consent. That's just another effort by the Man to keeps us from freely expressing our God-given sensuality," Shanley said.

After an earsplitting interval of guitar screeches by an out-of-town "rock star" by the name of Jamie Henrickson, Worcester native son Abbie Hoffman took the stage, drank a quart of what he said was gasoline and echoed Shanley's sentiments.

"I urge all of you to turn on, tune in, and molest Catholic boys and girls." Hoffman assured the crowd that if victim had reached puberty it wasn't pedophilia: "In other words, if there's grass on the field, play ball!"  

The stoned "hippies" seemed to find nothing out of the ordinary in the crazy positions espoused by the various speakers. A young woman wearing a tied-dyed minidress and not much else, who gave her name as "Gail, but you can call me Safflower," said she thought it was so "groovy" that priests were engaging in all sorts of sex acts with boys and girls from 6 to 16.

Her companion, a bongo-playing bearded man who gave his name only as "Scott" said that there a lot of 14-year-old "chicks he'd like to bone," so he could "totally get behind" why priests would want to sexually abuse underage girls.

Back on Main Street, the normal, healthy citizenry of Old Sludgebury was appropriately appalled by the rampant immorality of the lifestyle these "hippies" espoused.

"That is the most shocking thing I ever heard," said Mrs. Kathleen T. Burke as she walked out of Woolworth's on Main Street clutching a new goldfish.

"Thank God our wonderful monsignors and bishops would never let that sort of disgusting conduct to go on in the Diocese of Old Sludgebury," she said.

Reached for comment as he was preparing to turn crackers into God, Monsignor Bernard Law, Harvard Class of 1950 and Rector-Erect [Surely, Elect? – Ed.] of Mt. Callypiga High School, said that there was no way that the Most Holy and Apostolic Church would ever be swayed by the "deluded free-love ravings" of "heretics and Jews."

"The One True Church can't be swayed by something as ephemeral as a few misguided youth in need of a haircut and a shower. The day that our priesthood can have its head engorged [Surely, turned? – Ed.] by such arrant nonsense is the day you can call me Satan," Monsignor Law said.

Adv't: Dodge Charger Hemi 426 offers you 425 horsepower, 0-60 in 5.3 seconds, and 6 miles a gallon, but at 32 cents a gallon, who cares? Burke Motors, Old Sludgebury Bypass.