Letter
from the Publisher:
Why
we're closing
the Sunday
Sludge
By Magnolia T. Hearst
Senior
Editor OLD
SLUDGEBURY, Mass. – In a dramatic announcement sure to resolve the
controversy over allegedly illegal actions and false stories published
over the years in an effort to smear political opponents of 11-term
Mayor James X. Burke, W.T. Hearst, the handsome, distinguished, and
well-respected President of the Massachusetts Spy Publishing Company
(and my husband!) announced today that next Sunday's issue of the Spy's Sunday
newspaper, the Sunday
Sludge, will be its last.
East
of here:
Rupert Murdoch
to get rid of profitable
subsidiary
In
a remarkable coincidence, facing a somewhat similar situation,
Australian press baron and prolific family man Rupert Murdoch has
announced a
dramatic step to resolve the controversy over the multiple crimes
committed by journalists working for Murdoch papers.
Under
pressure to make a bold gesture to defuse public and parliamentary
attacks on the aged tycoon, Murdoch announced that he was divesting
himself of one of his most valuable operating subsidiaries.
"I
have reluctantly decided that in the present environment that I must
rid myself of nonessential business units to concentrate on the core
businesses of News Corporation. Accordingly, I have decided
to
divest myself of one of my most treasured assets, the United Kingdom."
"I
do not take this step lightly, as I have owned the UK for many decades
and I have made a pantload out of it, but I have decided to focus on
News Corp.'s non-governmental operating companies," he said in a
statement released from his rest home [Surely, world headquarters?
– Ed.].
The
announcement came as a shock to the more than 40 million UK residents
who have been governed by Murdoch, his children, and his crazy
redheaded minions for decades. Although in recent years,
Murdoch's UK operation had come on hard times, for many years it was
among the most profitable parts of the News Corporation empire,
generating billions of dollars of tax breaks and nobbled oversight of
Murdoch's massive UK media holdings.
The details of
the
divestiture
remained unclear at press time, although it is expected that Murdoch's
head of UK operations, David Cameron, would continue to serve as head
of the UK for at least a transitional period.
"After
127 years of delivering all
the sludge that was fit to print every Sunday, it is with a heavy
wallet [Surely, heart?
– Ed.] that I announce the closing of the Sunday Sludge and
the sacking of everyone working there," said Hearst in his deep manly
voice. This
bold decision to ruin the lives of scores of innocent journalists was
not taken lightly, Hearst told me over a champagne brunch at our
palatial estate. "Nollie, someone has made serious errors and
the
innocent must pay the price," he intoned.
The
decision follows months of controversy arising out of allegations that Sunday Sludge
editors had taken cash payments, including free loaner vehicles from
Burke Hyundai, Sludge Valley's low price volume leader [Not now,
Nollie – Ed.], in exchange for printing
unfavorable and
usually false stories about Mayor Burke's political opponents. For
example, in a front-page story appearing the Sunday before the last
mayoral election, the Sunday
Sludge printed a front-page photo
allegedly showing the Mayor's opponent, long-time fringe political
weirdo [Old habits die
hard, eh, Nollie? – Ed.] Bart Vanzetti
cavorting with prostitutes at Foxwoods. The
scandal broke when it was revealed that the photo had been altered by
pasting the heads of Vanzetti and a random porn star on the bodies of
what turned out to be Old Sludgebury Fire Captain Jimmy Burke and an
unidentified young woman with a slammin' body [That would be you,
Nollie? – Ed.]. The
newspaper's denials were eventually undercut by an affidavit from
Monsignor Nicola Sacco attesting that Vanzetti had been attending his
mother's funeral on the date in question. Although
years of investigation by the Old Sludgebury Police Department
had
turned up no evidence of wrongdoing, the integrity of their
investigation was called into question when former Police Chief Francis
X. Burke retired and was named the Fishing and Hunting Editor of the Sunday Sludge at an
annual salary of $150,000.
When
the investigation was referred to the Massachusetts Attorney General,
it soon revealed that Sunday
Sludge reporters had managed to "hack" into
cellphone messages left for many prominent local politicians and even
obscure Spy
writers, including one desperate middle-aged woman who didn't even
realize she was putting it in backwards.  Under
questioning by investigators from the Mass. Attorney General's
office, Ms. Rosalie Nussbaum
admitted that at the time she was allegedly cavorting with Mayor
Burke's opponent she was in fact
giving Spy publisher W.T. Hearst a croquet lesson.
"I
now realize that my repeated denials of any telephone hacking were
based on incomplete information provided to me by my flunkies, whose
lies I had no reasons to question," Hearst said, his handsome features
arranged in an expression of genuine remorse. "I realize that
I
was mistaken in reposing trust and confidence in the editors of the Sunday Sludge, who
had apparently misunderstood my command to 'dig up the dirt or
die.'
I deeply regret this error of their judgment."
In
a statement released today, long-time Mayor and friend of the people
James X. Burke said that he was "shocked, shocked to discover that
there was political smearing going on in the pages of our respected
Sunday newspaper" and that he had genuinely believed that his his last
opponent was in fact a whoremongering pedophile.
"Of course, we
still don't know that he isn't," Mayor Burke added.
The
storm of controversy had led some to wonder whether we [You mean your
husband? – Ed.] will sell The Massachusetts
Spy Publishing
Company and its eponymous flagship publication, now in its 241st
year. "Let me assure you that any rumors about the sale of the Spy are just a
load of asbestos tailings," Hearst said.
"In fact, this
Sunday, Old
Sludgeburians will wake up to a bright all-new Sunday edition of The
Massachusetts Spy, and accordingly weekly home
subscription prices will rise another buck-fifty a week," Hearst
announced. "It's a small price to pay for reloading my wife's
shoe closet [Surely,
quality journalism? – Ed.] ."
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