AUSTIN,
Texas – After making such a splash into the hay bales of Iowa with his
threats to string up Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and other like-minded
traitors, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, anxious to distinguish himself from
his illiterate [Surely,
illustrious? – Ed.] predecessor in the
Texas Governor's Mansion, has published a series of position papers
offering the swaggering redneck's views on the pressing issues of the
day.
Swaggering Texas
Gov. Rick Perry has released a detailed position paper to
refute the common
misconception that he doesn't know f***-all about what he's talking
about.
The position statements, released
this morning on two 3 by 5 index cards, detail the well-coiffed Lone
Star statesman's platform on which he will base his campaign,
from domestic policy to foreign affairs to economic and fiscal topics
with such economy of exposition that this reporter was able to
verify that the back of the
second card was blank.
The details of
Perry's
Platform are:
Domestic
policy:
Taxes:
Fuck the poor.
Environment:
Invite the EPA to a Texas necktie party.
Civil rights: Put
that broom to good use, boy.
Global warming:
Fraud concocted by tens of thousands of crooked scientists
working under the auspices of the National Academy of Sciences and
other UN fronts.
Regulation
of the financial system: Tell Elizabeth Warren
to get her buns back into the kitchen.
Yahweh:
"Who in hell is Michele Bachmann?"
In an
exclusive interview,
The Eternal One, ha-Shem, the Lord of Hosts, the King of the Universe
joined the Spy's
own Geoffrey
Dawson for dinner earlier this week at Boston's exclusive Locke-Ober
restaurant to give the Blessed
Holy One's perspective on conversations He was alleged to have had with
Republican Presidential
Candidate Michele Bachmann, who has at various times attributed every
decision in her past life,
including her marriage to committed heterosexual Marcus Bachmann, to
directions from
the Source of All Truth or emanations therefrom.
Munching
on lobster savannah and fresh Wellfleet oysters (and whispering slyly:
"Maybe I was wrong about these; they're tasty"), the God of
Israel
expressed shock, bordering on horror, on learning that Rep. Bachmann
had claimed to have engaged in a lengthy series of divine conversations
that guided her
life.
"I've
never spoken
to that woman in my life," said the Shield of Abraham. "And I
remember each and every mortal I address. I record them all
in the Book of Life. That's
just how I roll."
"Although
I am slow to anger and full of lovingkindness, her conduct is most
displeasing unto me," said the Creator. "Why should I
interfere
with the decisions of mortals about whether to go to law school or
marry some dork?"
"Does
she really think I have nothing better to do then sit on my Throne of
Glory and send her messages about whether to enter the Iowa caucuses?
I've struck down women with leprosy for less," said the
honored
and awesome Name.
"And
why does she think I would want to see someone elected who apparently
has never read a single word I've written? Tell me where in
the
Torah it says cut the taxes of the rich and the health care of the
widow and the orphan in your midst," said Our Rock and Our Redeemer.
And then He
wept.
Job
creation: Single
mothers can push brooms just as good as nig [Word scratched out on card.]
Monetary policy: Lynch
Ben Bernanke.
Voting
rights: You better vote right if you know what's
healthy for you, son. And where's that photo ID?
Abortion rights:
Sneak across to Mexico just like the girls we knocked up on prom night.
Immigration reform:
Ship them ungrateful wetbacks right across the Rio Grande as soon as
they finish picking the cotton.
Education: Hell,
if they can run a cash register that's good enough for Texas.
Access to health care:
I got me all the health care I need.
Separation of church and state:
A myth, like evolution.
Gay marriage. This
time, the shotgun goes off when they say 'I do.'
As
is the case with domestic policy, the fine points of foreign affairs
hold no mystery for the shrewd steward of the minimum wage Texas
economic miracle:
Libya:
I agree with the
Donald: just take their fuckin' erl.
Israel:
I support unlimited West Bank settlements because the sooner
the Israels and the Arabs fight to the death, the sooner the Rapture
will come.
Afghanistan:
Just take their fuckin' erl. [What erl? – Ed.]
Iran:
Bomb the ragheads.
China:
Just
take their fuckin' erl [You
said that already – Ed.]
Iraq:
Dunk a few more of them Shinies in the tank just
like Dick Cheney did.
America's
place in the world: Don't mess with Texas.
European
Union: Is that some fag thing?
Russia:
Tell Vladimir Stalin to tear down that wall.
Tension on the Korean peninsula:
Remind that Kim Jong-Il guy what happened at the Alamo.
[You lost?
– Ed.]
Fighting global AIDS epidemic:
Another fag thing.
Starvation and poverty in the
Third World: Pussies.
These
nuanced policy positions have drawn praise from all quarters of the
Republican Party. Schlox News described them forty times
yesterday as "pro-America and pro-jobs," while drug addled insult comic
Rush Limbaugh said "I like what I hear. In fact, he sounds
just like me."
