 Editors'
Note:
Our nation is in crisis, one out of six Americans is unemployed or
underemployed, and economic growth has flatlined. In
Washington, that can mean only one thing: Republicans
advocating cutting Social Security to pay for tax cuts for the
rich. It's like Groundhog Day except that even a groundhog is
able to change his mind depending on what he sees when he
sticks his head out of the hole. Our crackerjack political
team is on the case, ceaselessly regurgitating emails they receive from
political flacks while
sitting at the National Press Club bar [Surely, pounding the boiling
pavements of Washington to bring you the real story? – Ed.] They're
dropping those NPR totebags and . . .
DEMS LASH OUT
AT
REPUBLICANS
By David Bloviator
Washington Bureau Chief
WASHINGTON,
D.C. – With Washington stalemated by Republican refusal
to consider any meaningful effort to ease the plight of the millions of
unemployed and underemployed Americans, influential Washington
Democrats have decided that the only path to re-election [Surely, solving the problems
that bedevil this great nation? – Ed.] is
to match incendiary Republican rhetoric about secession and socialism
with some fire of their own.
THIS
JUST
IN:
GOP
assails job-killing regulations
WASHINGTON,
D.C. – Seeking to claim the mantle of job creation as their own, GOP
political leaders have mounted a major push to repeal laws that they
consider "job-killing." In that category is every law
designed to protect the environment, combat fraud in consumer, medical,
and financial transactions, keep our food and drug supply safe, and
secure the rights of the immiserated and powerless
American worker. However, not content with turning
back the regulatory clock to the McKinley Administration, some GOP'ers
are taking aim at other laws they say have cost millions of jobs. Lovable
codger GOP Rep. Ron Paul, from his Fortress of Solitude in Coeur
d'Alene, Idaho, demanded the immediate repeal of volumes of federal
statutes that he said have cost hundreds of thousands of Americans
their jobs, or at least the volume containing Title 18. He pointed
to surveys showing that
over 500,000 Americans, including the youngest and least well educated,
are now
seeking employment in the fast-growing fields of drug pushing and
prostitution. "Yet government regulations
prevent these young people for taking these jobs, which offer
attractive opportunities for advancement and are perfect for working
mothers," Paul said. He said that the drug and
so-called "white slavery" laws were just the tip of the overregulatory
iceberg. Paul said that thousands of Americans are prevented
from working as loansharks or in crooked brokerage firms known as
"bucket shops" by what he called "patronizing regulations imposed by
a self-satisfied liberal elite." Finally, he said that the same
"progressive know it alls" had kept millions of Americans from entering
the labor force merely because they are under the age of 14.
"Taking away the rights of children to work in the fields, the mills
and the coal mines is just the first step on the road to tyranny," Paul
said, calling for the immediate repeal of child labor laws. On Capitol
Hill, House Speaker John Boehner, afraid of being painted as an
extremist by the minority House Democrats, said that he intended to
take Rep. Paul's job-creation package to the floor "in bite size
chunks." Boehner
said that he thought the child labor repeal bill could be passed
quickly by House Republicans, but that it was possible that the repeal
of the ban on interstate prostitution might need to be worked out
carefully with Republican Party Chair Sarah "Grandma" Palin. On the
Senate side, Sen. David Vitter (R – Just Massages) called
the repeal of white slavery laws "long overdue" and claimed to be "very
excited" over the prospects for repeal.
The
first salvo was fired by House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer, who was
delegated to respond to House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.
Cantor had
accused the President of seeking to impose socialist tyranny
on America by including infrastructure spending in his jobs package. Hoyer
lost no time responding in kind. His voice dripping with
vitriol, he said, "I'm not sure that Rep. Cantor is entirely accurate
in his characterization of President Obama as a Stalinist Muslim
theocrat, but I look forward to discussing it with him should he ever
return my phone calls." If
that was not bad enough,
Democrats really went postal in response to Gov. Rick "All Hat" Perry's
assertion that Social Security was a worthless swindle. While
House spokesman Jay Harney roared back: "The President thinks
that Social Security is on balance a good thing but would be willing to
endorse savage and unnecessary cuts to it to make himself look like a
fair-minded compromiser." Talk about turning up the invective
knob to 11!
The
newly fierce tone in Democratic attacks was equally evident in the
Senate, where Senate Republicans, blatantly abusing their
Constitutional
power to advise and consent to individual Presidential nominees, have
stated that they will in fact approve no nominee to head the new
Consumer Finance Protection Bureau unless and until the Obama
Administration eviscerates the law to their satisfaction. That
sent Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to the floor of the Senate to
open up a 55 gallon barrel of whoop-ass. He called the
Republican blackmail "not a constructive way to resolve the issues
surrounding the operation of the CFPB" and demanded that they "consider
scheduling a vote on the President's nominee."
The
same spirit has newly energized to Obama re-election campaign in
Chicago. In a statement drenched with venom, Obama
campaign supremo David Plouffe called Gov. Perry's suggestion that Fed
Chairman Ben Bernanke be lynched should he set foot in Texas "not
conducive to reasoned dialogue about the role of monetary policy in
stimulating the economy." But
Plouffe would not stop
there. He also attacked Gov. Perry's ignorant rejection of
the
indisputable fact of human-caused global warming, terming it "probably
not the soundest approach to solving the problem." He
then turned his verbal cannon on Utah man Wilfred M. Romney, describing
Romney's rehash of discredited Republican ideas to repeal the New Deal
and cut taxes on rich white men as "unlikely to achieve its stated
goals
of
reducing short-term joblessness." The press corps gasped at
the harshness of Plouffe's attacks.
 Gov.
Rick Perry responded to harsh Democratic attacks by inviting President
Obama to a "good old-fashioned Texas pit barbecue" as the main
course.
In
a surprise
appearance in the White House press briefing room, the big kahuna
himself responded to Republican threats to close down the government
unless Obama caved to their demands to repeal five decades of health,
safety, and environmental regulation. He called the House GOP
proposal "ill-considered." The
Republicans are
responding with their usual level of intensity, with Cantor stating:
"We will shut the Government down forever unless that Kenyan Socialist
falls to his knees and grants us our every wish," a statement that
Schlox News Commentator Sarah Palin said was "fair and
balanced."
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