Volume CCXXXIII, Number 32   April, 2003    Worcester, Massachusetts   Since 1770

Volume CXLIV, Number 208   August 1, 1914    Worcester, Massachusetts   Since 1770  Price Two Cents

KAISER WILHELM ASSURES HIS PEOPLE
     WAR WILL BE SHORT AND GLORIOUS

Mr. Shillington Shamelessly's base ball column may be frequently found in our pages

Sox Bid Fair to Create Dynasty;
    Break Up the Olde Towne Team?

By Shillington Shamelessly, Sr.
Base Ball Correspondent

As the base ball season rounds third and heads towards home, the consensus of sagacious base ball observers, including yours truly, has concluded that the Red Sox stand on the verge of a dynasty.

First, a tip of the bowler to enlightened Red Sox owner Harry Frazee. Frazee has opened his apparently bottomless purse wide, not only to build the palatial Fenway Base Ball Park, but also to purchase franchise players, including two-way threat Babe Ruth.

Frazee's generosity knows no bounds. The gleaming new facility on the Fens includes luxurious accomodation for the hard-working press. The move from Huntington Avenue has brought with it gleaming white sanitary facilities reserved for the fourth estate, a great improvement over the old wooden privies. And with Harry serving up growlers of fresh, foamy Haffenreffer to slake the thirst of the hard-working gentlemen of the press, those gleaming facilities get quite a workout!! Harry, let me be the first to say it: it's mighty  white of you.

But I digress. The key to the Sox dynasty is unquestionably the aforementioned Babe Ruth. Not only is he throwing smoke, but at the dish he has given the pill base-clearing ride after ride. Young Babe is also a fine Christian gentlemen and moderate and temperate in his tastes and manner.

The Red Sox owner, Mr. Frazee, has already assured this correspondent that there is no way he would ever trade his franchise player. "Col. Ruppert can cry into his beer," Frazee told me in confidence. "He wants the Babe and he's not going to get him."

Yep, the future looks mighty bright on the Fenway. With the Babe safe from the pushy, grasping, money-loving New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox stand poised on the verge of a history-making base ball dynasty. You can take Mr. Shamelessly's word of honor on that. And if the Red Sox ever lose the Babe, you can just call me Sambo!

Wonderland offers 10 exciting dog races every nite beginning at 7 p.m. General admission 5 cents. Christian trade only.

Raymond's. Where U Bot the Hat. Dres sail. Kulurd yous basemint dur.

Great Enthusiasm in Capitals for Quick and Honorable Conflict

Gay Young Soldiers Tells Their Sweethearts: "Don't Worry, We'll be Home by Christmas!"

Brass Bands Glisten in Summer Sun; All Europe Cheers Their Invincible Armies

By William R. Hearst
War Correspondent

 As the great empires of Europe gird their respective loins for war, the great German Kaiser reassured his nervous subjects that the coming war would be short and glorious.

"I have been assured by all my advisers that the overwhelming force and might of the German armies will lead to a quick and decisive victory," the Kaiser said, between chukkas at his polo grounds in Bad Beratung, outside of Berlin.

The Kaiser's influential foreign policy adviser, Count von Wolfowitz explained in more detail: "Our enemies will be demoralized by the overwhelming strength of our arms. We will bring German Kultur to the effete French and brutush Russian Empire."

Asked to comment on the the contribution of the Austria-Hungarian Empire, which has also mobilized against France and Russia, Chief of Imperial Military Affairs Baron von Donn-Rummsfeld said, "We're going to Paris with or without the Austrians."

The display of military power and official optimism has led German politicians to climb on the war bandwagon. An influential opposition Social Democrat, Johann Korrwitz, said, "Let me be perfectly klar. I have said that military action must be the last resort to defend Germany's vital interests both in the Balkans and Africa. Of course if war goes on for any length of time I may have to modify my views, but I expect the troops to be home by Christmas."

The few Jews who hold positions of political prominence in the Reichstag were eager to swear their fealty to the Reich. "We stand with our Vaterland," exclaimed Radical Party leader Josef Liebermann. "Jew and non-Jew alike must unite behind the Reich's war to protect Germany from the nefarious Franco-Russian plan of encirclement and destruction. If we do not act now, the Asiatic hordes will sweep to the doors of Berlin and the cost in German lives will be far greater than in a quick, surgical war."

Sociologists at the Imperial Center for Public Measurement have concluded that the war is wildly popular with the German man on the street. "A stunning 62% of German citizens believe the Czar started this war and another 73% believe that the French are a nation of decadent snail-eaters with no will to fight," reported Doktor Karl Röwe, the Center's Director. Röwe added that Germans, by a margin of better than two to one, expect their army to arrive in Paris within a month and an armistice to be signed before the end of the year.

A few highly-placed Germans admit that the larger question may be what Germany does with the French and Russian territory it occupies after the quick victory. Asked what would happen next, Kaiser Wilhelm, perhaps misunderstanding the thrust of the question said: "Next I will have a bath and a colonic and dress for dinner."

Irish and Italian girls wanted to serve as scullery maids and provide personal services to gentlemen. Room and board. Must be comely and free of disease. Apply in person at Somerset Club, Beacon Street.