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    Volume CCXXXIII, Number 32        April, 2003              Page 3

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Cutting through the fog of war like a sharp knife through Brie, the world-famous pundit and sage David Bloviator, currently in bed [Surely, embedded? – Ed.] with the 363rd Supply Company in Qatar, graciously consented to provide his peerless insight on the war on Iraq notwithstanding the very real danger and risk of chafing from the too-small armored vest he must wear.

DB:   As I was saying, the assets in the force package are a marvel of modern technology and weaponry. The command and control structure of Saddam and his henchmen has been, according to U.S. intelligence, substantially decapitated, if not degraded.

TMS:    What effect did the bombardment of Saddam's palaces have?

DB:   The shock and awe were indescribable. Certainly Saddam must have been shocked and awed. How could he expect this destruction?

TMS:   But didn't we bomb Baghdad in the last war?

DB:   Yes, but this time the improved technology and precision of weapons packages induce at least 60% more shock and 80% more awe, according to Air Force briefers.

TMS:   Tell us a little bit about the morale of U.S. forces.

DB:   Morale is outstanding. The young men and women know they have a job to do and they are ready, willing and able to do it. They are the best equipped troops in history. General Franks has told me in confidence that their leadership is outstanding.

TMS:   Tell us about the troops you are embedded into.

DB:   Embedded with, man. The 363rd is a crack supply and logistics outfit. They are responsible for supplying the needs of 250,000 soldiers, sailors and airmen, everything from bullets to batteries. They have worked marvels. Do you believe that 8,000 miles from civilization they have set up a fully stocked PX with liters of Chivas priced at only $5.00? My God, man, what an achievement! You'd pay up to $20 back home. And a ten pound back of ice is only a buck. How can Saddam even hope to stand up to this juggernaut, I ask you.

TMS:   We were hoping to ask you. Is there any concern that the Army and Marines have yet to engage the core Republican Guard divisions?

DB:   None whatsoever. Once the enemy understands they cannot hope to defeat the coalition, they will lay down their arms and flee like jackrabbits.

TMS:   What happens if they retreat into Baghdad and engage in urban warfare?

DB:   U.S. military commanders are prepared for that eventuality and have a robust response.

TMS:   Which is?

DB:   Don't you know that embedded correspondents are privy to all sorts of highly classified information that we are not at liberty to disclose? Do you think I'm just going to tell you about the the malfunctioning Patriot missile battery just 10 kilometers west of here? Don't print that.

TMS:   Tell us a little bit about the psychological warfare operations, if you can.

DB:   These operations, known to the cognoscenti as "psyops" are, according to CENTCOM, worth at least a division. For example, we can mislead and confuse Iraqi forces by circulating rumors such as Saddam is dead, their troops are surrendering, and bombing can obliterate Iraqi command-and-control centers. Those rumors in turn degrade the enemy's ability to resist.

TMS:   Don't they also degrade the American people's ability to understand what is going on?

DB:   Our boys are out there dodging Iraqi bullets and you're quibbling over a few words? What kind of journalist are you? [Sounds of sirens in the background]  That's the air raid signal. Time to head down to the bar. [Surely, bunker? – Ed.]

TMS:   Good luck, David.