Not driving
into the 20th century . . .
SAUDIS TO LET THE
GALS
VOTE, SORTA 
Saudis shudder to think what
would happen if they could drive
By Geoffrey Dawson
Foreign Editor
RIYADH,
Saudi Arabia – Moving
boldly to go where civilized nations went in the first years of the
previous century, the Saud crime
[Surely, ruling? – Ed.]
family announced that Saudi women, who have been denied virtually every
basic civil and human right for decades, would be permitted to vote in
municipal elections should they ever be held.
THIS
JUST
IN:
Putin's choice:
It's
Putin!
MOSCOW,
Russian Federation – In a non-surprise move, Russian Prime Minister for
Life Vladimir Putin announced his choice for President of the Russian
Federation: Vladimir Putin. "After a nationwide search," he
told a handpicked audience of sycophantic stooges [Surely, members of the Russian
parliament? – Ed.], "I have decided to back
the most qualified candidate for the highest office in the land: me." "Although I
bring a number of strengths to the job, I was most impressed by my
Stalin-like [Surely,
steely? – Ed.] determination, my keen
grasp of the issues confronting our people, and my manly physique." After the
planned 20 minutes of spontaneous applause died down, Putin described
his choice as the "only logical choice for President" and told the
Parliament to "look no further." In an interview with Putin News
Network anchor Shtupella Allova, Putin said that he was not
planning a coast-to-coast campaign, claiming that he was too busy with
vital business and anyway, "the person has spoken." Allova then
pledged the support of her entire network in spreading the candidate's
message from Kaliningrad to Vladivostok. She said any
opposition candidate would be given air time to explain the photos of
him soliciting child prostitutes in Kazan. Contemptuously dismissing the need
for Western observers to monitor the fairness of the upcoming
Presidential election, Putin promised that the election would be
conducted according to the democratic principle of "one man, one vote."
"I am the man," he said, "and I have the vote." Later, in an
attempt to forestall criticism of the electoral process, Putin said
that a panel of international experts would monitor the fairness of the
election.
The list of observers included well-known authorities in
the practice of democracy such as Antonin Scalia, Ahmad Chalabi, Tom
DeLay, Robert Mugabe, and Hosni Mubarak. "And we're still
hoping to get Qaddafi," Putin said. –
Walter Duranty
Moscow Bureau Chief
Although
the announcement was
followed by the resumption of flogging women with the effrontery to get
behind the wheel of a car, the the favorable
impression conveyed by this reform has led informed bootleggers [Surely, observers?
– Ed.] of the Royal Family to report
that other reforms could be on the way sometime this millennium. The ban on
women driving is considered to be crucial to protecting the modesty and
dignity of women, explained Wahhabi Religious Police Captain Qil
al-Jewz. He said: "What would happen if nubile young women
were allowed to drive in public, exposing their firm, supple thighs and
lush glistening breasts, straining against their lacy undergarments
like two irresistible pomegranates, to the lustful gazes of dirty old
men
on the street? What would be left of the Saudi way of
life?" Al-Jewz said if women could drive,
the next step down the camel's toe
[Surely, hump? – Ed.] might be "drive-in
movies" in which
the flower of Saudi maidenhood might engage in depravity like "heavy
petting" while watching "foreign filth like Elvis the Pelvis." "Then what?
Kosher delicatessens? Pork rib shacks?" he asked,
presumably rhetorically. A more promising avenue of reform
lies in the area of criminal justice. For
example, Saudi Arabia is considering banning the practice of executing
heretics, adulterers, and other capital offenders by beheading with a
sword. Instead, royal watchers say, the condemned will be
given
the opportunity to be stoned to death by an outraged mob of religious
fanatics instead. "It's the principle of freedom of choice,"
one
prince said from his private cabana at the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Las
Vegas. Saudi
officials are
also considering ending the religious police's practice of barging into
private offices and homes and then whipping the s*** out of any man or
woman caught drinking or dressed in anything more revealing than a
tent.
"Instead, the floggers will have to knock first," the royal
mouthpiece said. In other
areas, too, Saudi Arabia may be soon backing off from its rigid
adherence to the most extreme form of Islamic hypocrisy [Surely, religious practice?
– Ed.].
Women may soon be allowed to assist women trying on bras,
replacing the drooling men now fondling the relevant appendages
of unfortunate lingerie
consumers. However, the 6,000-strong Office of the Saudi
Royal
Bikini Inspector will remain all male. In
an even more shocking development, Saudis will no longer be able to
abuse or enslave foreign maids and child prostitutes, without agreeing
to pay their return airfare after their masters have grown tired of
them. The
increasing liberalization of Saudi society though is expected to come
at a price. According to the Saudi Finance Ministry, that
price is a supplemental $2 billion bribe [Surely, contribution?
– Ed.] paid over by our staunch Arab ally to the
extremist Wahhabi clerics to use as they see fit, including continuing
to bankroll
al-Qaeda. | 
