Boston Police valiantly protect the trees and shrubs in a public park (seen at rear) from violent assaults by hard-core criminals, shown in foreground

Oh, the Botany . . .

HUB COPS PROTECT
THE SHRUBBERY 

By Alvin T. Fuller
with Scott V. Sandiford, Justice Correspondent 

BOSTON, Mass. – Bravely protecting the shrubbery in the Greenway from potential depredations at the hands of Occupy Boston protesters, hundreds of Boston policemen, armed only with shields, guns, pepper spray, night sticks, handcuffs, and double overtime, rousted 129 protesters from their encampment amidst the plantings in a late-night raid.  

These malefactors will never again threaten a defenseless flower, thanks to the Boston PD

The assault on the ragtag compound had been ordered by Mayor for Life Thomas "Mumbles" Menino, apparently alarmed by credible reports that several baby spruce branches had been broken off by the protesters and that two aster plants were in imminent danger of trampling.

In a later press conference, the mush mouthed Mayor defended his unprovoked attack on peaceful protesters by asserting that he had acted only to protect "your pachydermia, your rhinocerons, your gladiators, and all the other innocent plants and trees threatened by these hooligans."

The irony-free Hub supremo complained that the problem with Occupy Boston was "you can't understand what they want. How am I supposed to deal with people who aren't understandably?"

Responding to video evidence that the police had used excessive force against the unarmed protesters, Mayor "I am the Law" Menino said: "The Police acted appropriate. Who are you f***in' gonna believe – me or your lyin' eyes?"

The video evidence and reliable eyewitness accounts of gratuitous policy brutality were dismissed by Boston Police Superintendent Lancelot "Knocko" Kilroy. "A number of these hooligans menaced our officers with their cameras and phones. Others resisted efforts by our anti-riot teams to jab nightsticks into their kidneys and drag them by their handcuffed arms across concrete into the paddy wagons."

"At least 47 of the 584 officers assigned to the scene have already reported that they were seriously injured and may have to file for tax-free disability pensions as a result of the horrendous abuse they endured," said the 19-year veteran desk jockey.

"In fact, when I turned away from the operation to conduct a live shot with Channel 5, I strained the ligatures things in my neck and I may also have to take a tax-free disability pension. Also the stress – it's killing me," Knocko said.

With the flowers of the Greenway saved from a fate worse than death [Surely, trampling? – Ed.] at the hands of hardened criminals like her, the Boston Police are considering investigating actual felonies perpetrated a mile away on the Esplanade

The spectacle of hundreds of overweight middle-aged cops dragging peaceful protesters out of a public park was witnessed by scores of firefighters hanging around the adjoining firehouse. Since the operation, 50 of them have filed for fake disability pensions in sympathy with their brothers in blue.

The massive police waste of time [Surely, presence? – Ed.] both at the site of the endangered shrubbery and two blocks away at the Dewey Square tent camp has caused a shift in police resources from less pressing responsibilities, such as patrolling the Esplanade.

It was therefore only by sheerest coincidence that while the Old Bill was engaged in satisfying Mumbles's vanity, several more women were beaten or sexually assaulted in the Esplanade, where predators roam freely, secure in the knowledge that the Boston Police are fully engaged elsewhere.

Asked why police resources were deployed to harass nonviolent protesters rather than to protect citizens jogging in parks or to catch dangerous sexual predators, Mayor Menino said, "If you don't f****in' shut your f***in' trap i"ll have Knocko throw your f****in' ass in the slammer. Then you can ask all the questions you want, smartass."