Editors' Note: It has come to our attention that there is growing interest in certain quarters in "high-tech" things like the "Internet" and "blogging" and "Bookface." Don't let anyone say that the Spy isn't up to the minute on these and other jet age developments, as our new tech columnist, Ken Olson, will attest.

Answers every question!

NEW APP FEATURES
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT

By Ken Olson
Technology and Home Handyman Columnist

LA JOLLA, California – The new iPhone 4S has already found its signature application that is sure to transform the lives of millions of users by providing them with an uncannily human-like personal political assistant that understands thousands of common political question and responds with a hard-coded library of apt phrases responsive to the question posed.

The new political assistant received a wildly enthusiastic reception at a press conference introducing the high-tech miracle held yesterday here along the idyllic Pacific seacoast just north of San Diego. Speaking in a deep, resonant baritone voice, the app greeted the assembled press corps by welcoming them to "a new beginning for America and tax cuts for the rich." 

The amazing "Romni" can appear to converse on almost any topic.  

The product, available only on the iPhone 4S, is known simply as "Romni." "Romni," which incorporates the latest advances in artificial intelligence, reacts and speaks uncannily like a real, live human being.

The technorati were treated to a thrilling conversation with the cutting-edge marvel lasting at least twenty minutes. "Romni"'s celebrity interviewer, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R – Baconator), got things rolling by telling "Romni" that it was sunny and beautiful here in California.

Without any delay, thanks to the lighting-fast high-tech algorithms that power the virtual human, "Romni" said: "Sounds like a great day to cut taxes for the rich."

Gov. Christie, after polishing off three double-stuffed burritos and a corny dog, then asked "Romni" what was wrong with politics today. "Romni" replied: "We must unite, and not divide, and cut taxes for the rich."

The morbidly obese governor, distracted by a roast suckling pig turning on a spit, threw the conference open to questions from the floor. With its formidable artificial intelligence, "Romni" fielded them all.

Asked what the most serious problem facing America was, "Romni" replied, "We must cut taxes for the rich."

Another speaker, noting California's 11% unemployment rate, asked "Romni" what needed to be done to create jobs. "We must cut taxes for the rich," Romni replied.

To a question about what "Romni" would do to shore up the finances of the Social Security and Medicare entitlements, "Romni" said cheerily: "Cut taxes for the rich. Now who would like a burrito, a hot dog, a pretzel, or a stack of pancakes?"

"Romni" was equally adept at dealing with questions about the environment including global warming, telling the audience that "We must preserve and protect tax cuts for the rich."

When the conversation turned to social issues, "Romni" showed the versatility of its internal logic. Asked about abortion rights, "Romni" said: "I have always been pro-life from the bottom of my heart and that's why I support tax cuts for the rich."

Gov. Rick "All Hat" Perry was among a small minority not impressed with the amazing digital political assistant. 

To a somewhat hostile question about the need for gun safety laws to prevent a repeat of the Tuscon massacre that no one seems to remember, "Romni" said: "I have always been pro-gun from the bottom of my heart and that's why we need tax cuts for the rich." Then, utilizing the revolutionary "conversation" circuits that set "Romni" apart from more primitive virtual assistants, "Romni" added: "For Pete's sake, I'm running for office here."

As the questions continued, it became clear that "Romni" could talk all day without losing composure or sounding tired. In fact, it appeared that "Romni's" data bank had been programmed with an apparently inexhaustible supply of witty comments. At one point, pretending to be annoyed in response to a question about health care reform, "Romni" said: "One more crack out of you and I'll tie you to the roof of my car and drive to Michigan."

The consensus among those that heard "Romni" in action was that it was nothing short of a technological great leap forward. "Most of the time I thought I was hearing a real human being," said WGBH reporter [Surely, Trustee? – Ed.] David Koch. "It's a good thing it's not really real; otherwise it might cut into my action," said gnarled basic cable commentator and Ladies' Man Jack Welch.

After a long afternoon in the hot sun, however, it appeared that "Romni"'s batteries had started to run down. Asked what "Romni" thought about Obama's announcement that the U.S. would comply with the Iraqi Status of Forces Agreement signed by George Bush and withdraw from Iraq by the end of the year, "Romni" said in an ever more rapid torrent of words: "We must stay in Iraq. We must stay out of Libya. We must stay in and out of Afghanistan. We must invade Syria. We must invade Iran. We must invade North Korea. Call Billy Kristol and ask him what those wetbacks are doing on my lawn."

Eventually, Christie, by then face deep in the molten chocolate fountain, toweled himself off and said that the press conference was over.

But the buzz engendered by the amazing "Romni" app only grew after its introduction. "It's really hot," gushed psychologist Marcus Bachmann.  

Only a few fringe politicians expressed skepticism. Texas Gov. Rick Perry snarled: "S***, any dumb f*** can memorize a few cheap slogans.  That doesn't make you a politician.  I'll show you what makes you a politician."

Apparently on cue, an aide produced a iPhone 4S and walked to the other end of the campaign bus.  Gov. Perry whipped out his signature .380 pearl-handled Giant Penis Substitute and squeezed off six shots, destroying the iPhone, the rear windshield, and two speechwriters.

"Now, that's politics," he said.