Volume CCXXXIII, Number 33        May, 2003              Page 2

And send your wives to work

MITT TO CHILDREN:
TEACH THYSELF

By Alvin Fuller
State House Bureau Chief

    It's belt-tightening time on Beacon Hill, and Bay Staters will be feeling the pinch next year, unless, of course, like the current Governor Wilfred M. Romney, they've stashed away a few hundred million to ease their plight.

    State government in Massachusetts faces a $3 billion budget deficit. By amazing coincidence, state government in Massachusetts handed out over $3 billion in tax cuts in the previous 10 years.

    Those whose memory extends further back than the winner of "Joe Millionaire" may recall that Bill "Make it a Double" Weld and Paul "Hit the Trifecta" Cellucci assured us that Massachusetts could well afford their tax cuts (principally benefitting Bill's fellow Somerset Club sots). After reducing the state and local tax burden to 44th out of 50 states and then blowing town (or in the case of "Icebox Paul," the jurisdiction), Bill and Paul never had to admit that their tax cuts couldn't survive the collapse of the bubble economy.

    Wilfred's gotten some good press over his effort to save a few bucks by canning well-known Fifth Amendment scholar Billy Bulger. But even if he cleaned out Billy and the rest of the One Beacon Street Gang, the Commonwealth would still be about $2,994,500,000 short. The choices: undo some of Bill and Paul's tax cuts or savage public education and human services.

    Bill and Paul left the morning-after clean up to Governor Wilfred M. Romney, who has brought his business acumen to the job of restoring the Commonwealth's fiscal health. And like any good businessman, he's solved his problem by shifting the burden to others (mostly the cities and towns), screwing the poor and defenseless and protecting his fancy friends. That's what's made American capitalism such a ringing success. Hell, it worked for Ken Lay and Dick Scruwy [Surely, Scrushy? – Ed.]

    After noisily proclaming he wouldn't cut local aid to education, Utah's gift to Massachusetts did just that. Where on earth will Lawrence get another $7,200,000? There's nothing left to burn for the insurance. Boston will come up almost $78 million short. No sweat if you live in affluent WASPy exurbs like Boxford and Topsfield–they're in line for more money.

    Romney won't even let the cities and towns make up the shortfall by raising local property taxes or even heavens forfend imposing other local taxes on income or parking. Of course, when you stop to think about it, it's really not his problem. He can afford tuition for his not-very-promising brood of mouth-breathers at any private school he wants.

    One thing's for sure: whenever you hear a Republican politician talking about "sacrifice" or "belt tighetening," you know he's talking about other people'e belts. What would sacrifice look like for a tycoon like Romney? Probably something like higher taxes.

    For background and more details on this miserable story, click here.

And it came to pass that Wil-fred slayed the she-ox Shan-on and became King of the City upon the Hill.

And there was famine in the land, and the mighty who had grown fat worshipping the golden idol Eye-Pe-Oh had seen their gold returneth to dust and there was much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments and gunning of BMW's.

And King Wil-fred heard the lamentations of the rich and he said: I will suc-cor them, for they had voteth for me in November.

And so King Wil-fred called together the drawers of water and hewers of wood and teachers of children and ministers to the poor and wretched, and the poor and wretched, and he spaketh to them from under his Golden Dome.

And King Wil-fred told the poor and wretched and those who minister them and tender to their needs that there was not enough gold in the land and that they would have to sacrifice.

And he bade his high priest Po-zen to build a great fire in the Golden Dome and to invite the poor and wretched to sacrifice themselves upon the altar of the Golden Dome.

And the poor and the wretched and the drawers of water and the hewers of wood heard the words of the King Wil-fred and saw the sacrificial flames fanned by the high priest Po-zen and their hearts and minds were as one.

And they cried out in their grief and their pain to King Wil-fred and they said to the King: "What an asshole you are!"

Next week's gleanings: King Wilfred hands out some loaves and fishes to the poor and wretched, but forgets the mayonnaise.



ACTUALLY, IT IS THE TRADITIONAL ARABIC TERM FOR "MOTHER"

    Sheik Mohammed Sabah Al Salem Al Sabah, another minister in the Kuwaiti delegation, interrupted Douri with comments that were inaudible to viewers at home and to reporters watching via closed-circuit. Officials in the summit chamber later said he called the Iraqi's remarkes lies.

    Douri responded: "Shut up you monkey. Curse be upon your mustache, you traitor."

    "Mustache" is a traditional Arabic term for honor.

– The Boston Glob , March 6, 2003 at A22.