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BARBARA WALTERS
So she banged Napoleon – how long is she
supposed to milk that for? Never one to underestimate the public's
taste, she's parlayed a hypocritical ability to feign a sincere, almost
high-minded interest, in the hi-jinx of every celebrity scumbag since
Fatty Arbuckle into a multi-century TV career.
One of
our interns told us that she
also has an unwatchable TV show with four younger bores, but frankly
that sounds so unfascinating to us that we zzzzzzzzzz –
[Wake up
– Ed.]
| PIPPA MIDDLETON
There's this balding wanker with bad teeth who says he's going
to be King of England. He got married to some rich girl.
That girl – wait for it – had a
sister. And the sister has a tuchus. That's
pretty much Pippa Middleton's life story, viewed in real time by
several hundred million people with apparently very empty inner lives. We'll
admit it's a perfectly nice tush, although maybe not quite as
bootylicious as it could be. But sooner or later she's gong
to turn around and then you'll realize just how dull a shikse can
be. | DREW FAUST
Quick: name the President of Harvard University.
Take your time. Give up? So has everyone
else. She's doing exactly the job she's paid about a
million bucks a year to do: keep her damn mouth shut unlike
her leprous predecessor, and let the Harvard Corporation repopulate
itself. With the Corporation's newly expanded board,
Drew Faust presides over the academic equivalent of Playboy After Dark:
a "classy" assortment of rich men, women with plumped-up credentials,
and good-looking Negroes hosted by a cipher who seems surprised to
learn that
Bob Rubin is crooning over by the piano.
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WHITEY BULGER
When he was giving the FBI the slip, that
was interesting, a
little. Now that he's a life tenant at the Locked Inn,
not so much.
On the lam he took his millions and
spent it on living like a retired Jewish high school principal.
Scarface
it wasn't. If he spilled his guts
about all the pols and cops he paid off, that might be interesting.
But Whitey, like almost anyone he ever did business with, is
a stiff. Unlike them, he's still breathing, so what's his
excuse?
| CONAN O'BRIEN
 He trousered
$35 million
for being less funny than Jay Leno
and then spent the next six months whining about it. Now
he's got his own show on Channel 687 with ratings that explain why even
a network as clueless as NBC recognized they had to s**tcan him. Our
prediction: he gets canceled again for a huge payoff, does a series of
"hilarious" cameos on various sitcoms, and grabs some visiting
lectureship
at his Alma Mater so the Glob
can print endless items about his supposed upcoming movie
projects. |
LINDSAY
LOHAN
If every time the train leaves the station
it derails and
crashes into the valley below, it's no longer a train wreck,
it's just the way
things are supposed to be.
Drugs to rehab to jail to
high-class hooking on the Riviera, and then back to the rails again. And
just when she's down to her last kilos, she drops trou for Playboy, this
year's least fascinating magazine. The big excitement
is that she's going to flash her vag, again. This difference
this time is you'll get to see the gift shop, the raw bar, and the
VIP lounge. |
